Rainy Journal 2025

[Desert Flower]

Hi Rainy, thinking of you too as you're going through these difficult feelings. I hope you find some ease too.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Rainy, it was also helpful for me to share it and pin down some recent symptoms.

I hope you're able to process some of the things you're writing about.

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, thank you. I hope this week is as gentle for both of as it can be.
...
Dolly, I value your knowledge sharing and am glad it helped you process some too.  Thank you for your support.
.........
My husband and I had a difficult evening and I didn't sleep well after that.

I understand his need to process his experience and am also finding I don't always have the capacity to do that with him.

It is frustrating because I keep setting boundaries around that which he pushes and then we argue.  I need to find a different way to hold my boundaries.

I was also set off last night because he was talking to his parents about his experiences.  What happens is that because he is sick, his parents decide they are too.  They all work each other up into this frenzy.  It annoys me so much.  They don't understand that while they are connected by genetics and may certainly have similar experiences, they are still separate people.

I think that is some of why he crosses my boundaries.  He thinks that because he is experiencing something I must be too and I must be all encompassed by his experience.

Last night I felt how his mom's constant availability and how she treats my husband sets me up for failure.  I cannot live up to her.  I don't want to live up to her but it creates so much tension in my marriage. 

I am worried about work today because I am tired and tense and we have an off routine day.  I hope it goes smoother than I am expecting.

[rainydiary]

My husband and I continue to have tense and difficult interactions.  We just had our worst one yet and I am trying to regulate before attempting to talk to him.

He received a diagnosis of mast cell activation syndrome. As I understand it his body is over sending out histamine so it is like he is constantly experiencing allergic reactions.

Neither of us is handling this experience particularly well.  And now things are extremely tense. 

I am so exhausted from the upheaval that has been our life the past few weeks.  I have been trying to communicate with him but it isn't working.

I think he is really scared and also isn't sharing information in a way that is reaching me.  I am also trying to be heard and it isn't working since he is in survival mode.

I don't know what to do.  I need to cry again. 

[rainydiary]

I calmed down a bit and tried talking to my husband.

It turns out he does have long COVID and the mast cell activation is something else he's uncovered.

What is hurting is that he left out critical information.  He did not tell me that he had a moment in the past week where he wasn't sure he was going to wake up.  And that when he did wake up that was when he made an appointment at the doctor to be sooner than planned.

I imagine he told his mother and not me because that is the pattern.  He said he forgot to tell me...I understand brain fog and I also don't get not telling your wife something critical.

This leaving out of key details is also a pattern.

Tonight I am sleeping in a different room to give myself space as well as because changes he has made to our bedroom while he heals are uncomfortable to me.  I have some processing to do.

[Armee]

It sounds like a super stressful situation, Rainy. I'm sorry you are having to navigate this right now. Times of stress tend to bring out uncomfortable old patterns too it seems. I hope once everyone adjusts to the news that some helpful conversations can be worked through.

[dollyvee]

Hey rainy,

I'm sorry that's really difficult. I don't know if it's any help, but I have been reading up on people with dissmissive avoidant attachment and it's helping me to find some new empathy/space for people who have grown up a certain way. Having conversations about things is difficult for them. I also realize it's difficult for you as well and hence the avoidant/anxious (?) dance that may perhaps be happening. I started realizing that I did all I could, it doesn't have anything to do with me, and it's ok for me to set some boundaries (ie I can understand space, but I can't deal with silence). I also think it's incredibly difficult if it's only one side that's willing to do the work.

I also empathasize with the mast cell activation. I had some inklings of it the other month, but it's really flown under the radar. When I started realizing that I was having histamine dumps at night and taking DAO for it, it brought out the symptoms in full force, which is not fun. I also feel like I've kept the inflammation to a minimum with diet for a number of years. So, I imagine it would be much, much worse without that. I have read of people making a recovery, and am hoping this is just some kind of initial purge. Wishing the same for your husband as well and I hope you have someone competent helping you through all of this.

Sending you support,
dolly

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you and I hope things will settle down soon.
...
Dolly, I appreciate the reminder of avoidant attachment.  Sometimes in the past that has helped me understand my husband better.  I do think I am experiencing more anxiety right now which is coloring how I am seeing things.  I don't think my husband is necessarily getting the medical support he needs.  He is good at researching and telling his providers about it so hopefully he'll get what he needs.
.........
My feelings are feeling a bit smaller today. 

I think a lot of the tension I was feeling was coming from my husband not being fully honest with me.

I am still upset with him. 

I truly understand the difficulties of letting yourself feel feelings, learning how to do many things as adults that ideally would have been learned in childhood, and going through the process of understanding your nervous system.

But I still angry at him because it feels to me like he isn't seeing the root cause or role his family dynamic plays in this. Even if his body didn't register his experiences as trauma, he still didn't develop avoidant attachment by himself.

I don't know why I can't let that go.  I think because to me it feels like if he never sees that things will always be challenging.  That may not be true but that's how it feels to me.

I am not looking forward to work today as I have some extra meetings I would rather not do.  Hopefully they go as smooth as they can.

[Desert Flower]

I'm sorry Rainy you're having such a difficult time with your husband, dealing with his patterns as well as your own (that you are so well aware of). It would be hard on anybody and I think you're doing great. Wishing you all the best through this.

[sanmagic7]

 

it just sounds like your H is so entwined w/ his parents, he won't risk looking too closely at what that interaction might mean.  it's a tough spot for you to be in, rainy.  i think you're doing as well with it as possible.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower and San, thank you.  It's helpful to have your perspective and support.  It's also helpful to be reminded that I am doing well because my brain trends towards telling me I'm not.
.........
I am still upset in many ways and also seeing how much anxiety is at work here.

I'm not sure I've ever not felt anxious in my relationship to my husband and for good reasons.

As I've been writing myself letters, this morning I found myself back in my childhood with my parents pushing weird standards related to "liking boys" on me at a very young age while also shaming me for things I did in relationship to boys.

I'm not sure where this exploration is headed but there are some very old deep hurts in relationships with others that are needing attention.

I am also thinking about the women I come from.  I don't know much about my relatives backgrounds but do know that SA was present in the home of my maternal grandmother.  I carry in me all the pain and fear and hurt of women before me. 

Even though my parents were/are harmful, I do come from a family of cycle breakers.  It's unfortunate that our cycle breaking has to come in the way it is but it is there.

[Armee]

You're doing a lot Rainy.