Rainy Journal 2025

[sanmagic7]

hi rainy,

good to see you again.

i've been a people pleaser most of my life, and i know now it's because that's how i was trained from little on.  my world was all about doing what i was told w/o anything but obedience, putting on a smile for the world, and not bothering anyone w/ questions.  it's still difficult to stand up for myself, take care of me first.  those old lessons die hard.

as far as boundaries, well, most of us weren't allowed any, so we never learned what our own might look like let alone be able to put something like that into action.  it's a big topic, loaded, and might take some time to get thru it to the other side.  i'm glad you're looking at it, tho, cuz i think it's one of the most important things we can learn for ourselves.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Little 2 Nothing, I appreciate the support and understanding.

Hi San, I'm glad to hear from you.  I appreciate the validation that people pleasing is difficult.  I posted another post about it in a different thread because it is weighing on me.  It's not so much that I am unwilling to address what isn't working for me...I think it is that the way we discuss certain topics feels more shaming to me given the types of words we use.
............

I am in a hotel room away from home right now.  I did an organized bike ride in a town about 2 hours north of where I live.  The bike ride was enjoyable yet being away from home is weighing on me. 

I haven't slept well in the hotel room and I just want to be home.  I miss my cat and my comfort I feel at home.

The stress in my life is about to pick up more than I would like.  I have another trip I am going on next weekend, my in laws are coming, and work starts again.  This is all making me struggle with being present because I worry about being able to handle it.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, rainy, words are powerful, and i always think it's important to find just the ones which say exactly what we mean.  not always easy, tho.  and i can't always grab the ones i want at the time i want them, either.  so, it can be frustrating as well.

hope you can get home soonest, and i wish you didn't have to have a bunch of unwanted experiences piling up on each other, especially so soon.  if it helps, can you imagine me or one or more of us by your side to help you handle the worst of these? 

sending love and a hug filled with 'handle it' juice, as much as you need for whatever is coming.

[rainydiary]

Hello San, yes, words can be so difficult to get right.  It does help to imagine you and others here with me. 
.........
Something I am reflecting on is how hard I've been working to heal and "feel better" for the past 5 plus years.  I am tired of trying in the ways I've been trying.

I think I want to try to just be gentle and quiet with myself for a bit  and see what happens.

[Chart]

I like the feeling that evokes, 'quiet and gentle with myself'...
 

[rainydiary]

Chart, I appreciate you bringing attention to that phrase.

...............
I am going to a professional development session tomorrow.  And getting cold feet.

I know it will be too overwhelming.  I am reminding myself I can leave when I want.

I am going because the topic was interesting to me.

But the logistics of getting there are too much.  I am so disappointed in organizers for not considering virtual options. 

If I am able to give feedback I plan to share about how inaccessible this experience is.

[rainydiary]

I am wanting to celebrate a few things.

I went to the conference and overall took care. 

I advocated for myself at the conference by asking some folks to stop talking in the back of the room because it was hard to hear the speakers with their conversations.

I am worn out from today but am not as stuck in it once I got home. 

I am very worried about my cat as she doesn't seem to be eating enough and is licking her fur off again.  I am doing my best to care for her as she ages but it is wearing on me.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
That is great that you did those things - it sounds really good.  Can I join in the celebration with you 

I am however sorry that your cat is worrying you.  I hope that both you and your cat are able to get some much deserved rest - I know you were feeling worn out from yesterday.  I hope that today will be more relaxing and that you feel better.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate the support and celebration.  Today isn't feeling easier in some ways which I'll write about below.

I live in the US and just crossed into Canada for the first time in my life.  I am going for a short vacation to see an event.

I am really homesick right now.  We are still on the train and not even to our destination yet.  I'm tired of people standing too close to me and constantly going by. 

I miss my cat and am carrying so much worry for her.  I have a pet sitter that will come check on her while I am away.  But I feel like I leave a piece of myself behind.

There is also peace in being away from the ongoing demands at home.  I hope that I will find some ease on this trip.

[Little2Nothing]

Rainy, I hope you have a wonderful vacation!

I have two dogs and worry about them whenever we have to go away, even if it is for just a short time. So I feel for you. I hope your mind can be set at ease so you can enjoy your time away. 

[rainydiary]

Little2Nothing, I appreciate the understanding about pets.  It's especially hard for me now as my cat is getting older and has more health needs.  I worry a lot for her.
.........
My trip went ok.  I am proud of how I am managing.

I am worried about the next several days.

My in laws will be here.  I have learned my husband understands my need for space with them which is a positive.

However his relationship with them continues to bother me. 

Earlier this year he indicated to me that he learned about parentification in therapy.  He also shared a quiz with me recently on toxic families and noted that the quiz indicated his family is manageably toxic.  I honestly don't know how he got that response based on the questions.

I am struggling with how he knows his family is dysfunctional and still wants contact with them.  Still feels like he is "missing out" on events with them.  Still really wants to please and be loved by parents that will never be pleased.

The challenge for me is that across time he has maintained emotional closeness with them at the expense of us.  I do wonder if that is shifting given our time in couples counseling.  There is still doubt for me though which I can't tell if it is habitual worry or ongoing stuff to address.

I am trying to care for myself the next several days.  I don't have confidence that I will be able to actually do that though because I am so frustrated by them pushing this on us.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad to hear that your trip went ok, and it's great that you're proud of how you are managing. 

I really hope that you are able to cope with the coming days with your in laws visiting.  I am sorry that you have to deal with that - I can imagine that it will be very hard, but wishing you strength to get through it. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, I appreciate the support.  I know I will survive because I have before. 
............
After I wrote yesterday I went on a spiral of feeling really overwhelmed by the number of relationships I've "survived."  I don't actually know how to care myself when I am "surviving" beyond just surviving.

I was doing a little better today as my husband and I had a supportive conversation about his family.

And all of that was undone when without much notice I was told they would be coming over to our house before leaving for another part of the state.

I thought I would have more time before seeing them.  I have an orthodontist appointment soon and am already feeling really anxious.  This stuff doesn't help.

I am not surprised.  This is what they do.  But it never ceases to make me feel awful.

[rainydiary]

I am feeling quite sad right now and can't completely account for why.

I think it is related to the time of year, how my cat is doing, things I've been doing today and this week, and things I am worried about. 

I am feeling discouraged like I make progress and something happens that pushes me back.  I am stuck in old thoughts.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I wanted to wish you the best for when you have your orthodontist appointment, and hope that it goes ok.  I know you were feeling anxious about it. 

I relate to what you said about how progress can happen and then something pushes back. 

  to you, Rainydiary.
Hope