Rainy Journal 2025

[Chart]

Maybe this could help. My therapist got me going on "cardiac coherence". Five minutes of breathing, timed specifically five seconds inhalation, five seconds exhalation. Have you heard this already? Just a suggestion. It's been pretty effective for me.
https://youtu.be/-7m4pm12yxQ?si=LyWD_5I1bvB3OKVv

[rainydiary]

San, thank you.  I have been trying to talk to him and it hasn't gone well so far.  I'll share more below.
...
Chart, I appreciate the suggestion.  I think the type of anxious I mean is anxious attachment and I'm not sure how to support our attachment right now.
.........

My emotions are high right now.  My husband and I made a plan to make an appointment with the couples counselor we had been seeing.  We haven't been in a while.

The plan came after him announcing to me that he is planning a trip with his parents.  Not an easy trip either.  A trip to Canada.  Because he needs something to look forward to.

This irked me for a lot of reasons.  We canceled several plans over the next few months so that he could have time to rest and heal.  So I'm confused why he is now up for making this trip. Also, if he wanted to take a trip, he could have asked me.

I made these points to him and also tried to explain that these are examples of why it is hard for me to feel emotional connection in our relationship. 

It is probably a good thing for us to reconnect with the couples counselor but I also always worry about my perspective and experience being heard.

It's ironic because just yesterday I told my supervisor I would like to transition to working part time next school year.  I don't anticipate my relationship ending and that isn't what I actually want but moments like this make me scared and feel the need to protect myself.

I will try to explain why this hurts so much.  It hurts because from the beginning of our relationship, he has had this wall up.  I have often felt like we are on opposite sides of the wall especially with his relationship to his family.  Sometimes it feels like he steps around the wall and I think we are getting somewhere we can be a team.  And then he goes back to the other side.

I'm sure this proposed trip is because his parents are worried about him and want to show their care.  But it is also about him not going to his brother's wedding and not going to visit for the holidays.  I see it as control. 

And I continue to take these things so personally and feel like there is something deeply wrong with me.

[Desert Flower]

That's a hard situation to be in Rainy, I would definitely have a hard time not taking it personal too. There's nothing at all wrong with you in my opinion, I hope you can feel that.
If it were me, I would really want to know why he would want to take this trip too, is it to please his parents or do you think he wants it himself?
I cannot say what would be good for your relationship but it does sound like a good idea to me to go to the couples counselor.
I do hope you can work this out in a way that is good for you Rainy. Sending you lots of support.

[Chart]

Yeah sounds difficult, Rainy. Sorry to hear you are struggling. It does sound very much like an attachment issue as you mentioned. Are you familiar with attachment theory and styles? I hesitate to suggest Heidi Priebe's videos... she goes deeply into the subject and I find her analyses right on. My problem was that even once I had a good understanding of the dynamics, it didn't really change how I felt. But I think this could be different if both partners are working with a therapist. So I think the therapist is a good idea and I hope it can help with your situation.
 

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, the million dollar question for me is to what degree he wants to do things and to what degree he goes along with family stuff because of conditioning.  I appreciate your support.
......
Chart, thank you for the resource suggestions.  I have learned about attachment theory and am always glad to have additional information.
.........

I've been waking up pretty anxious the past few days which is frustrating me.

Into the mix now is the need for another vet visit for my cat.  She has licked one of her paws too much and it looks infected.  I will find time but the effort feels overwhelming right now.

I am still feeling really upset about the things going on in my relationship.  I don't exactly know what to say.  In some ways he and I are on different paths right now and I keep waiting for those paths to cross.  Sometimes they do but not in the ways I need.

Something that occurred to me about the timing of the trip with his parents is that is around the anniversary of his brother's death.  I'm not sure they are intentionally, consciously choosing this timing.  My experience of them is that because they don't know how to deal with their feelings, they need to be around each other and engage in old dynamics.

The other my husband noted to me that he feels invalidated by his mother.  I was surprised he said that but also not surprised that while he may see things happening he continues to engage with them in the same ways.  Maybe there are adjustments I am not seeing.

I am also reflecting on a communication pattern in his family.  I've often heard members of his family say, "No one told me."  They are all a bit selective in how they do or don't share important information and it feels controlling and mean.  So when my husband does it to me, I can have some compassion that is what he learned but it also really needs to change.  That is a big part of the wound I carry in our relationship is the number of times he has done this.

I am still struggling with the need to be "right" and validated in my perspective of things I see happening in his family and the way they impact him (and me by extension). 

[rainydiary]

I am staying home from work today so I can take my cat to the vet and hopefully rest a bit.

I am still feeling too much and am overwhelmed by my feelings.

I think a big thing at play is how let down and disappointed I feel by other people.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that you are able to get some rest today - and I wish the best for your cat as well.  Hopefully the vet will be able to help.

Hope

[sanmagic7]

rainy, these ongoing issues w/ your H and his family have got to be draining on you. and now the cat.  i hope everything's all right there.  i also hope that couples counseling will be helpful.  was it last time you two went?  did you not feel heard at that time?  is that why this issue has been bothering you now?  (you don't need to answer those questions - they just popped into my head). from what i've been seeing in you, it seems you are much better at speaking up for yourself both at work and with H.  i think you'll be able to do the same in counseling.

good job taking care of your 'self', too.  another indication of how you've been speaking up for yourself.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you.  I think the day was somewhat restful.  It was at least a break from being overstimulated.
...
San, I appreciate the questions.  When we were going I generally felt like the counselor heard me when I was able to speak up.

I also have a perspective that can be hard for others to understand. 

What I find tricky is that my husband will be a bit performative at counseling.  He will say things like that things have been fine when that isn't true.  His avoidant attachment really comes out where he feels like he has to present a certain way. 

It will be interesting to see how he frames what's been going on at our next appointment.  He was the one that suggested that we go back.  We haven't been since July and I don't know what the counselor will want to do to recheck in.

I think I do have a narrative that I'm not a good communicator when I think it really is about misunderstandings between me and non-autistic people (there is research about this and this is called the Double Empathy Problem). 
.........

I am glad I didn't go to work yesterday although it had moments of tension.

The tension was most specific to my cat.  The vets were doing surgeries yesterday and that impacted their availability.  They asked me to drop my cat off in the morning and they told me to expect being able to pick her up in the early afternoon. 

That is not what happened and I got stressed that her pick up time ended up being an hour and a half after they told me to expect.  I had adjusted my whole day around this and even when I went to pick her up she wasn't ready.  I had a tense conversation with the receptionist and I'm sure I was perceived as rude.  But it is really difficult when people say "what works for you" when they really mean something else.

My cat seems ok - she does have an infection on her paw so we are doing more antibiotics and she has to wear a cone.  We've done this stuff before but it is difficult because she does not tolerate being given medication very well.  I will do my best but this adds additional work that I could do without.

I am feeling low about going to work today.  I am really struggling to manage my feelings about the miscommunications I experience every day (because of said Double Empathy Problem). 

I am also really upset about how I handle communication with a particular student I really like and want to help so much.  I recognized the other day that sometimes, especially when I am stressed, I have a tendency to be a bit too much when trying to help.  It reminds me of a dynamic in my family where a member will tease and push the other person as a defensive mechanism.  I know better but I still get that way sometimes. 

I hope I can be kind to myself.  I'm not doing that in my thoughts consistently.

[rainydiary]

This month has been really hard and I am feeling discouraged.

It feels like I am not getting anywhere no matter what I do.

I keep having a-has but then something else will happen to throw me off balance.

Something unexpected tonight is that I am reading a book where the main character is graduating from college.

A memory from my college graduation came up.  My dad was in the audience waving wildly when I walked in the space.  It is one of the only times I can remember seeing pure joy and presence from him especially in the context of me.

That one moment is an island in too much hurt. 

[Desert Flower]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad Rainy. But I do think it's a good think you keep venting how you feel, here and in your current situation as well. We often tend to close up completely in times like these, which may be even less helpful, because you'd miss out on the support. So I just wanna say I'm standing with you through this Rainy.

And what you write about your dad cheering when you graduate, resonates immensely. I have a very similar experience with my mother finally showing me she was proud when I graduated from college. Up to that point she had never ever done that and that had felt so terribly lonely. But it was too little, too late for me by then.

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, thank you for the support and the experience you shared. 
............

I did a lot of things I enjoy this weekend so in some ways it was a good weekend.

I still don't feel great emotionally.  I feel unsteady inside and really just want to argue and fight and yell.  The fight response isn't usually one I go to.

I've had really weird and intense dreams the past few days.  They have left me feeling off.

I keep trying to "figure out" why I am feeling the way I think.  I can point to a lot of things that explain it but nothing really explains it.

After I wrote about my dad the other day he texted me.  The conversation follows a very predictable routine and it isn't really about me being able to say anything or be supported.  We each played our part but those interactions leave me feeling empty.

[Chart]

Rainy, there're so many things I want to comment on... but I have to get back to work

I'm sorry your struggling. Your observations touch me pretty deeply. What you've shared gives me thoughts and reflections, both good and sad, but I appreciate so much your sharing. Sending support ... maybe somewhere inside your dad, he wants... but lots of us humans just don't know "how"...
 

[rainydiary]

Chart, I appreciate your message and support.  I suppose it's hard for my dad to think of something to say after being so abusive for years.  I still think it would happen too if I didn't have more boundaries.
............

This morning I woke up a bit before my alarm and I made a connection.

I think one reason this time of year is hard is because of a series really difficult experiences I've had in my relationship with my husband.

The experiences are complex and layered and lasted months.  And there are many of them.  Things they have in common: some type of illness or my husband having emotional difficulties, me being blindsided by my husband not being completely honest with me after I thought we were working together on something, his parents somehow becoming involved but me realizing he had been going to them the whole time, me fawning to appease him.

I'm left with a wound that keeps being unhealed because this pattern repeated over and over. 

This time some of those elements aren't exactly the same...and yet my brain does not believe for a second that I am safe and ok.  And for good reason.

It's hard for me to trust that things will go differently.  Maybe they will this time because we will have an outside person to help us and maybe I will be able to share a version of what I've written here.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i do hope you can share your version w/ the counselor. i remember being in a similar situation in couples counseling where my ex provided a picture, but i ended up dissociating (didn't know it at the time) and being afraid to speak up cuz i didn't want to look like a 'pushy' spouse or something like that.  i kept quiet and allowed him to steer the narrative, and it worked out not so well for me.  i just don't want that to happen to you.

good luck w/ all of this.  i'm just sorry you're feeling so unsettled right now.  i hope things begin to straighten up for you.  love and hugs