Rainy Journal 2025

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for thinking of the couples dynamic through that lens.  I don't think that is what is happening exactly.  I'll try to say more of what I think might be happening below.  I appreciate the care.
.........

I am feeling really drained today.  The weather and work and everything.  I don't necessarily feel bad just tired.  Lots of big emotions at work from adults and kids alike.  It's too much some days.

I am still really upset about my husband's decision to go on a trip with his parents especially since he says he is still getting fatigued by daily things. 

I do want to acknowledge that a part of me doesn't believe him.  That part that doesn't believe him is because in the past he's had big emotions and illness that have gotten better when he got his way (which was also what his parents were pushing him to do).  I don't think that is happening now but it's hard to to let this feeling go.

I did bring up my concern about his trip.  He didn't validate my worry which is making me mad for a different reason.  We did make a plan to start our check in conversations we had been doing. 

I still want to yell at him about his trip because if he is still ill I think he should rest.  I feel like both he and his parents are being foolish and selfish.  If they want to visit, they could just come here.  I still don't really understand what this is about.

I worry that by the time we will get to our couples appointment, he will say "things are fine."  He won't own some of the things he has said to me.  He'll say that I have been really supportive when I haven't really.  He feels compelled to paint a positive picture for our counselor which I don't understand.  It seems like he wants to focus her attention on certain things but not on others.

I do feel myself slipping into my annual survival mode for the holiday season.  I am going to try to approach that differently this year but for now I am going to try to sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be a lot.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry you're having difficulties with this stuff at the moment, rainy. These relationships are so complicated sometimes, it's no wonder you're feeling drained. I don't have any advice sorry but wishing you all the best with it.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Aphotic.
.........
Today is starting off rough. 

I didn't sleep the best last night.

And then my husband and I had a difficult conversation this morning.

I am so frustrated with him and with myself.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope things are better for you today.

[sanmagic7]

best to you, rainy, going on w/ all of this stuff, holidays and husband, both.  i do hope you get some satisfaction from your counseling sessions, and that you are able to show your side of the coin being different from your H's.  i would think the counselor would value hearing both those perspectives in order to then begin to dig into the reasons and eventually the issues behind them.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you NarcKiddo - it goes up and down but I am hanging in there.
...
Thank you San.  I think I am too hard on the counselor and my experience is filtered through a lot of conflicting filters.  The appointment is this week and we'll see how it goes.
.........
I just did a meditation and the leader talked about self-trust.

I have always lot of trust with regard to others but haven't spent time thinking about trust in myself.

I will reflect on this a bit because it feels important.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I have always lot of trust with regard to others but haven't spent time thinking about trust in myself.

I will reflect on this a bit because it feels important.

A powerful and worthy reflection I think. It is strange how humans tend to miss these things. We spend so much of our time working on being compassionate, trusting, and accommodating towards others - but then somehow completely forget to be compassionate, trusting, and accommodating of ourselves!  It is something I needed a reminder for too, thanks.

I hope you're able to find something useful in your reflections.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I recognize that there's a lot going on for you right now and it's a difficult position to be in. The person who you most want to see you and get you doesn't, or is unable to meet that need. And what makes it more difficult is that it doesn't mean you don't love each other. What I've been learning lately dealing with emotionally unavailable people, is that I can have my space and independence from them, and I'm not going to fall apart. It's been making me stronger to have this space for myself and do things on my own, and I don't feel at fault, or unwanted etc. My whole life I was taught to depend on other people for validation and to not listen to myself. So, I'm trying to (or I guess being forced by circumstances and not wanting to repeat the same patterns) approach things differently. I recognize how much a part of me wants things a certain way because that's what I learned growing up and that's what was safe, but it also wasn't always healthy or best for me. I think maybe this is in line with what you have said about self trust.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Larry]

 

[rainydiary]

Aphotic, thank you.  I've been using ChatGPT to help organize my processing.  I am trying to develop some routines around self soothing right now.
......
Dolly, thank you for this message.  It was helpful to read and I will think on it more too.  I think I am on the track of being there for myself.  And also I am stuck on wanting my husband see me and get me and feeling like he doesn't.  I appreciate your support.
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Hi Larry!
.........

I am drained and feeling a lot from the outcome of the US election and from just my daily life.

Something I am feeling a bit more success with is letting myself be seen at work.  I am finding supportive people and am finding that things I've been working at hard are finally being heard by others.

I'm trying to be open to others and also working to take care. 

Today I started a compassion note journal and am going to try keeping compassionate written notes to myself in that place.

I have been using ChatGPT a lot to help me process and find ways to explain things to myself and others.

I am going to try to rest tonight.

[Chart]

 

[SenseOrgan]

It's nice to see someone dealing with (presumably) CPTSD being so constructive in the midst of this political storm. Using ChatGPT as a tool in the realm of trauma is downright genius!

I don't know to what extent it's appropriate to insert my own thoughts here, so please tell me if I'm taking it too far. The thought occurred who actually owns the real estate of my mind. Who determines where I direct my time, energy and attention? Politicians have no business there. Except if I consent. They are attempting burglary 24/7.

I hope you got some proper rest.

[Desert Flower]

Today I started a compassion note journal and am going to try keeping compassionate written notes to myself in that place.

That is a great idea! (I "should" try that too.)

[rainydiary]

Chart, thank you.
...
SenseOrgan, I appreciate your perspective.  It is helpful.
...
Desert Flower, I hope it is something that would be supportive.
.........
I don't have much capacity right now but wanted to share about my couples counseling appointment.

I shouldn't have worried about being heard.  I was heard all right.

My husband ended up being pretty rude and repeating some of the things he's said to me recently in the session.  The hardest thing he said is that he wants to go on the trip with his parents to get away from me.

The counselor suggested that she talk to us individually.  I stayed and he left. 

I was able to share my experience and be heard.

I think we have a hard road ahead. 

I haven't seen him since he left the appointment.  I don't think I'll be able to talk to him without sleeping first.

[Armee]

I'm sorry Rainy. That's hurtful. I'm so glad the therapist talked to you separately and listened.

I think you are showing so much wisdom in knowing you'll need to sleep first before speaking to him.