Rainy Journal 2025

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you.  I plan to always take my birthday off moving forward.
...
San, thank you.  I'm glad I took the day off too.
.........

I am at work deeply wishing I could go home.  I am required to be a meeting later today and it is more work to not show up.  I am feeling ill at the thought of going.

I did not sleep well last night.  Just as I was falling asleep, my brain decided to remind me of a SA that happened on my birthday when I turned 21. This happened 20 years ago.

That time weighs on me and it gave me perspective of another layer of why this time of year is hard.  I didn't recognize how much it still stays with me.

I don't know how to process what happened because I can't remember much of what happened due to alcohol consumption.  I feel betrayed and disrespected and destroyed and taken advantage of. I felt less safe in my body and to some extent still do.

I'm not opposed to noticing that this is coming up.  It is just a lot to think about with everything else going on too.

[sanmagic7]

i'm sorry work is such a burden for you, rainy.  also that you're having flashbacks, especially on your birthday.  sucks.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I am wishing you a belated Happy Birthday.  I'm also glad you took some time off to celebrate it.  I hope that the day goes quicker for you - so you can be back home again and can hopefully rest. 

I am so sorry you had that SA on your 21st, sending you a hug of support, if that's ok 

Hope

[Desert Flower]

Hi Rainy, just wanted to say hi and send you support.

it gave me perspective of another layer of why this time of year is hard.

Yes, that's what happens, isn't it? I keep uncovering layers I had 'forgotten' about myself. They are in there somewhere.

I don't know how to process what happened because I can't remember much of what happened due to alcohol consumption.  I feel betrayed and disrespected and destroyed and taken advantage of. I felt less safe in my body and to some extent still do.

I'm very sorry that happened to you Rainy. And I can relate.

Sending you good wishes Rainy.

[Armee]

Hi Rainy. Happy belated birthday. I am sorry about the struggles at work and that you were SA'ed in the past and on your birthday. That's really sad and it makes me feel angry on your behalf. I don't know if it's useful for you, eventually, when you are ready. I've been able to process an assault I only (barely) remember through flashbacks. I have no memory of the actual assault and yet it was very traumatic and disruptive. We were still able to work with that in EMDR. I think in many ways the not remembering part is very very difficult and does make healing harder. But not impossible. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for the support.  Work continues to be difficult.
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Hope, thank you.  I hope I am finding ways to bring joy back to my birthday.
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Desert Flower, thank you for what you shared.  It's helpful to know when others relate.
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Armee, thank you for what you shared of your experience and the support.  I am angry for all of us that things like this happen to.
...............
A lot of unpleasant things have happened in the past several days as well as some clarity.

I was in two work meetings about students that really upset me.  It gave me more insight into the true colors of some of my colleagues and of how my district functions. 

I cried after the first meeting and took steps to care for myself at the second meeting.  Boundaries I set were rudely commented on by my colleagues.

I am seeing the people who I need to pull back and protect myself from.  I am either going to request being at a different school or find a new job after this school year.

One moment of clarity I've had is how inadequate I feel in many situations.  The word inadequate just really fits for what I've been feeling.

Another thing I am doing right now is listening to a podcast about grief.  I can only handle a little at a time because it is really opening things up.  It is helpful for me to know that grief is our response to loss, loss changes us, and we don't quite overcome grief but rather grow around it.

After thinking about the SA memories, I felt a pull to write a letter to my female ancestors. I know some parts of my line have history of sexual abuse and I also imagine that many women (and perhaps men) experienced sexual assault as well.  I felt a little lighter after writing to them.

[Desert Flower]

After thinking about the SA memories, I felt a pull to write a letter to my female ancestors. I know some parts of my line have history of sexual abuse and I also imagine that many women (and perhaps men) experienced sexual assault as well.  I felt a little lighter after writing to them.

That's beautiful Rainy.

And I'm really sorry you're feeling troubled. Sending you lots of support.

[SenseOrgan]

Yet another belated happy birthday rainydiary!
I'm very sorry the meetings are so rough and you're dealing with the SA memories at the same time. I hope writing the letter helped you to process grief. Gisele Pelicot is helping to restore the dignity of so many who had such horrific experiences. I hope she counterbalances what you're going through now too. 

[sanmagic7]

you know, rainy, on one hand i'm glad you're able to see who's ok to be around at work, and who's not.  on the other hand, it sucks that you have to find ways to protect yourself, including the possibility of finding another job.  i know you're not inadequate at what you do, but i get that circumstances can make you feel that way.  ugh!

it sounds like you are figuring out more and more what you have to do for you.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

Sending you support rainydiary 

[Chart]

Happy belated birthday Rainy, we're less than a week apart.
I am sorry for all your struggles. I relate to many elements, but you seem to have some difficult things coming up that's making things especially difficult. Sending hugs and support.
 

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, thank you, your support is helpful.
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SenseOrgan, the support is much needed.
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San, it is really unfortunate.  I have more to share about all that work stuff.
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Chart, I appreciate you checking in and offering support.
.........
Wow, the weeks slipped away.  And I am finally at Christmas which is a day I struggle with.

I did not intend to not check in here but think I was fully in survival mode by the last week before break.

I am on break now and am really noticing the huge contrast between how I feel at work and not at work.  I do think it will be helpful to process those differences a bit when I have capacity.

Before break I spoke to my supervisor about my experiences at my school.  She has no real power over anything that happens at individual schools but she did validate my experience and I feel like she understands me and what I am trying to do.  I realize that a lot of what is upsetting to me is systemic and not actually about specific people. 

Changing schools or jobs would not remove me from these systems.  My hope is to only work like this for about 2 more years.  Within those two years I hope to find how to best take care and plant seeds of change how I can.

This evening I was doing some work on my family tree and encountered some family secrets.  I had a physical reaction to what I found even though it was stuff I vaguely remember hearing growing up.  I am less upset about the actual stories and more the pain and suffering those things caused, especially the women in my family. 

I am enjoying slower days but comes with it a lot of processing. 

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

systemic malfunction is a gritch, rainy.  very sorry you have to deal with that. hopefully, you'll be able to make the next 2 yrs. as painless as possible.

empathizing w/ women in pain is a tough one.  especially when you're related to them.  keep taking care of you.  i'm very glad for you that you have a break right now.  love and hugs

[AphoticAtramentous]

This evening I was doing some work on my family tree and encountered some family secrets.  I had a physical reaction to what I found even though it was stuff I vaguely remember hearing growing up.  I am less upset about the actual stories and more the pain and suffering those things caused, especially the women in my family.

I've had my own fill of these family rediscoveries, and I definitely can understand the physical reaction you speak of. I hope you're doing well, and glad you have some slower days now. Processing can be hard but I hope the end result will be rewarding for you.

Regards,
Aphotic.