Rainy Journal 2025

[sanmagic7]

oh rainy, we've got old cat worries here, too, so i can relate.  it's not fun.  very stressful. 

glad your trip to canada was ok. 

wanted to say 'good for you!' about standing up for yourself at that conference.  well done!!!

to my mind, surviving can be a full-time job sometimes.  i'm glad you're doing that.  and i agree that too often we move ahead on something only to be pushed back by other things.  it sure feels 'unfair'.  personally, i hate it when that happens.

you've taken on so much lately, i'm sure the 'sad' is related to all of it.  it's been a lot.  love and hugs my dear. 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate the support.  The orthodontist appointment was like a nightmare but I survived.  Hopefully I will never have to do something like that again.

San, I appreciate the care. I can't ignore some symptoms in my cat anymore and will take her to the vet tomorrow. 

She seems to be experiencing an increase in allergies and is licking her fur off and seems agitated.  Taking her to the vet these days often doesn't alleviate worry and just opens things I don't want to do but if they can do anything to help her seem more comfortable I am open to hearing it.  She is heavy on my mind right now.
..................

I am going to make another post somewhere else about a work experience I had today.

Here I want to say that I bought an Oura ring as I was curious about how my sleep is.  The ring has worked out better for me than I thought it would.

It's interesting to have the data the ring gathers and compare it to my perception of how I feel.  It's been a helpful check and chance to recalibrate. 

An object ultimately can't tell me how I am feeling but I think I have been stuck in viewing my experience one way and this is helping me consider more perspective.

[rainydiary]

I am struggling today.

I didn't sleep enough last night as I woke up especially early.  I think the approach of work and an early vet appointment for my cat probably played a role.

My cat's vet visit was hard.  My cat has been licking her fur off.  I got an earful from the vet tech and the vet about how my cat seems stressed and her food is probably a factor.  They had a lot of comments about my litter box set up and things I've been feeding my cat.

I've been doing the things I've been doing at the recommendation of other vets.  I've gotten such contradictory information and have done my best to wade through it all. 

I almost started crying during the appointment and then they started being really nice to me which made me feel worse.  I know they were trying to help, but it's hard to feel like they were being overly critical of my care. 

My husband also doesn't feel well and that is another trigger for me.  Given that his family was just here, he may be exhausted from their visit or may have caught illness from someone.  A part of me is always afraid after visits with them that he realizes he would rather be with them than me.

I hope I can find some ease today.  It's already been too much.

[rainydiary]

Things have evened out a bit since yesterday although I am feeling a bit elevated.

After the vet was so rough with me yesterday, my cat's blood work didn't indicate much of an impact.  This makes me feel like I am doing ok by my cat.

I ended up talking to my husband about my worries and we are more connected. 

I have had some difficult interactions with work situations today.  The school year hasn't started and I am already being asked to cover assignments they don't have covered. 

There was also some unclear next steps since my direct supervisor quit and what plans she and I had discussed.  I feel like the person asking for clarification was asking me to do more work than I agreed to.  I stated what I agreed to and that I can't do extra.

I honestly can't stand this person and hope I don't have to interface with her more this year.  She treats me like I am a child.

I feel more unsafe at work than I have in a while.  I'm not sure I can trust the folks supervising me and I dread how much extra work I'll be expected to do this year because I know that staffing is a concern.

[rainydiary]

Today I connected to some old feelings and had a good cry.

I was remembering my first job out of college.  I was always overwhelmed and had no idea what I was doing.

There was a day where I was helping train some new employees and I was extremely mean in my approach.  I later went on to work more closely with the person in particular that I was mean to.

I have always felt sorry for what I did and have more perspective now on why I did what I did.  What I did wasn't ok and a sign that I needed support (which no one gave).

This took place around 14-15 years ago.  It surprised me when I realized it's been that long.  It feels like all of this just happened because in some form or another my working life has run together into a series of difficult and painful interactions.

I wrote a letter to the person and apologized.  I wrote a letter to my younger self to offer compassion.

[sanmagic7]

honestly, rainy, docs can be sooo frustrating.  i think it's horrible that you were called on the carpet like that for doing what you've been told to do by other docs.  we've got a stressed cat as well, who's doing yowling at nite, waking my D up every few hours.  probably cuz of our move, so hopefully, with time, this will take care of itself.  i hope you can find some relief for yours.  we also got gabapentin, needs a prescription, which is supposed to calm the animal down.  it has seemed to help.  i hope your kitty can de-stress. 

sorry about the work pressure already piling up.  that sucks.  you don't need that.  and having H exhausted after his folks have been around can't be too much fun either.  just to let you know i'm on your side.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for saying that doctors are frustrating.  They are.  I know my cat and I wish I hadn't gotten wound up by that appointment.  Things are still uncertain overall and I appreciate having your support.
.........
I am feeling very emotional today. 

This is my last week of summer break.

I honestly don't feel like I can do this school year.  This is the lowest I've felt starting a school year in a while.

Everyone I enjoyed working with last year, trusted to a degree, or at least knew what to expect from them has quit. 

Yesterday I got a random message that the massage therapist I've been going to for a while is no longer working at the place I've been going.  I just saw them last week and they didn't mention anything about quitting.

I feel like all these safety points or connections I had are now gone. 

I think some of what I feel is grief and some fear.

[sanmagic7]

i think it's always difficult to face changes like those, rainy.  grief it may very well be.  i can feel your stress.  i hope it goes more smoothly than you imagine/fear.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hello San, I had opportunity yesterday to check in on reality versus my worries.  In some ways it went better than expected - I met my new supervisor and she seemed relatively ok.  In other ways things are still weighing on me because there is a lot of chaos to get through. I'll say more below.  I appreciate your support.
.........
Yesterday I had a full day in person training for a work committee I'm on.

In some ways I managed better than in the past.  I did things to care for myself that I think took some of the edge off - I used a fidget I have and wore noise cancelling headphones at times.  I also communicated in a way that felt more true to me (which is "blunt" for others).

I got some dirty looks from people and I wish those weren't what stood out.  Most people didn't care and probably me doing that kind of stuff gives people space to be themselves too (or at least I hope).

The day was still too much.  I can't sit still as long as was needed and I was really over the time in that room by lunch. 

I am noticing this pressure I put on myself to "just do all the right things and every day won't be too hard." 

The reality is that given what I need to be fully myself is not currently accepted or honored in the places I work.  I cannot self-care my way out of the ways the environments cause me distress. 

I came across this quote recently and have been trying to keep it in mind.  The quote is attributed to Bob Marley: "The day you stop racing is the day you win the race."

I've been trying to notice how hard I try in things that aren't important or worth it or even possible for me.  It's going to take time to keep letting go.  There are some things I am still holding on to.

[sanmagic7]

i love that quote, rainy.  it's applicable for me as well.  thanks for posting it. 

i'm glad your supervisor thing went well.  as far as taking care of yourself, go for it.  i think seeing which people give dirty looks are signs as to which people to steer clear of (as much as possible - those looks seem to me indications of what kind of people they are).  you'll have allies elsewhere.  not everyone judges w/o knowing.

i know this whole thing is difficult for you and i think it's a testament to your determination that you are braving this world once again.  right by your side, rainy.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Hi San, I am honestly in a place of questioning why I continue to do this job.  Something has shifted in me which I'm not sure is a bad thing.  But it is leaving me very disoriented and scared.
............
I am having trouble relaxing this weekend.

I go back to work on Monday but never received any communication from my supervisors on expectations for Monday.

I can't let go wondering if communication was sent out that I was left off of or if nothing was sent.

Earlier today I sent a message to my colleagues to ask.

I had some really dissatisfying interactions yesterday that I feel really ashamed by because I was upset and that came across in these interactions.  When I feel unheard or unable to manage, I feel like I may come across as "hysterical" because it at least gets some reaction.

Instead of helping or trying to get more information folks just kind of walk away and end the interaction which makes me feel bad about myself and how I can come across at times.

The balance I am trying to find is how to communicate needs that are real/true to me without dissociating. 

It occurs to me that I am more impulsive than I have realized.  I am trying to figure out how to slow down a bit. 

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

lots of realizations there, rainy, as well as lots of different things to look at and make decisions about.  i hope you don't get overwhelmed.  slowly, ok?  your own pace.  i think it's ok not to figure everything out at once.

i also think the idea of questioning whether this is the job you truly want is a good thing.  i know you're really good with the kids, so i hope you're not questioning that.  meanwhile, i hope everything is going rather smoothly now that you're back in it.  love and hugs

[AphoticAtramentous]

The balance I am trying to find is how to communicate needs that are real/true to me without dissociating. 

It occurs to me that I am more impulsive than I have realized.  I am trying to figure out how to slow down a bit.

The recognition and self-awareness is so valuable and important, rainydiary, these things you identify I note to be familiar problems for me too. But as sanmagic said, these things don't need to be figured out all at once. Maybe that can be step one towards trying to slow down, slow down in slowing down? Hmm..

Regards,
Aphotic.

[rainydiary]

San, I definitely don't question the positive impact I have on students.  I am entering a phase where I need to care for myself first and am seeing all the ways my job makes that more difficult than necessary.

Aphotic, I appreciate that you resonate and relate to this process.  It helps not being the only one.
............

This week back to work has been rough. 

My sleep is a mess.  My lower back is sore. I've had tons of weird conflicts with people.

And also I notice I am speaking up more and connecting more with others that matter.

I am seeing ways that my impact is showing up. 

It also feels like things may be a bit different under the new leadership that my department has.  We will see what they deliver on but I see them spending a lot of time listening.