Rainy Journal 2025

[Desert Flower]

.  I think a part of them subconsciously treat the kids the way they do because they are scared of a part of themselves they aren't able to face.

Yes, Rainy, I think so too. That goes for many many people I think.

And it's so great to hear about your experience with the new school counselor! Very meaningful indeed. 

And I recognize it's hard to be treated with respect too, or in my case to take a compliment. We're not used to it I think. But we do deserve it, like everybody else!

[rainydiary]

Thank you Desert Flower. 
............

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked last night.  My hormonal cycles impact me at times and that was the case last night.

I feel emotionally unwell today.  I would like to stay home.  But I need to stretch out my sick days across the school year.

Lately I've had this nagging sense I live my life wrong and that I will never truly be ok.  It's like because my parents couldn't be what I needed I am doomed to always feel separate from others.

I am more myself than ever before and hoping that others will see that, that at some point I will form more genuine connections.

There is also that I genuinely am more solitary and that doesn't feel "ok" within society.  I'm "supposed" to want to be around others.  At times I do but mostly I want to be on my own and struggle with feeling ok with that.

I mostly just feel disappointed in myself and in other people right now.  I think my hormonal cycle is contributing a lot to my mindset right now and I don't like when that happens.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Rainy, I hope you made it through the day.

I think and hope that as we get more comfortable with being ourselves, we won't mind so much what others think. And that includes wanting to be alone because it feels better. And then not beating ourselves up for choosing what feels better for us.

(And here I go again, yes I can relate, this hormonal cycle is also troubling me today. When I recognize it though, it's not as bad, not resisting it so much and knowing it will go away again.)

Take care 

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I appreciate your support.
.........
Today had a good spot.

I took a chance to tell my new supervisor about my big vision and she is aligned with it too.

I think she will help give me chances to work on things that are truly important to me.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Wow, this is great.  I am glad to hear your new supervisor is being supportive in that way.  I really hope you are able to work on things that are truly important to you. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thank you, Hope.  I am curious and excited to see where this may lead.
............

I want to write about something that is embarrassing but also feels important that I am noticing in a different way.

I am noticing that I am infatuated with the new school counselor at my job.  He was so nice in the conversation we had on Wednesday and then followed up with me yesterday on something he wanted to clarify and my brain is making meaning (I think) based on deep, deep, deep unmet needs and wishes I have.

I have encountered the word limerence and even though I feel a bit confused by it also think it describes what is happening. 

This type of infatuation has happened to me at many times across my life.  I feel embarrassed and ashamed by it especially since it makes me question what I am still missing even though I am married.

I am also trying to be compassionate to myself.  My parents hurt me and there is still a part or parts of me seeking what they didn't give.  I also entered into marriage without all the things I know now. 

So much has happened in the past year and my husband and I are in a different place than we were before.  I still have a lot of questions and uncertainty with our relationship but I also think more time is needed for the "dust" to settle.

In the past I wouldn't have been aware of what is happening in the way I am now.  It is really uncomfortable though.  Being a person is such a weird experience.

[Chart]

In the past I wouldn't have been aware of what is happening in the way I am now.  It is really uncomfortable though.  Being a person is such a weird experience.

[Desert Flower]

Being a person is such a weird experience.

Yes it is.

I think it's very brave (if awkward) of you to write this here and it shows great insight in who you are and what your needs are and how that came about. And I can totally understand because it's so important that we be heard and seen after all these years of neglect and abuse. We really need that and we deserve it too. Nothing wrong with that.

[sanmagic7]

  it definitely is!

i also think it brave of you to write about it here, DF.  i now know that a lot of my sexual encounters were directly related to a lack of touch in my childhood, even if i didn't know it at the time.  it's weird at the same time making a lot of sense that our childhood experiences can make a huge impact on how we see other people as adults, and the meanings placed on them in our minds.

i looked up 'limerence' - only you will be able to tell if that's what's going on, but from a trauma perspective, it's interesting, i think.  take care of you with this, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Chart, I appreciate the care.

Desert Flower, thank you for what you said.

San, the more I think about that word limerence, the less I think it describes what is going on.  I think it was coined before trauma was understood as it is now.  I do think my relationship to men (plus so much more) is more an indication of trauma and attachment needs.

.........

I am feeling a bit drained.  I bought season tickets to a theater I enjoy going to for plays.  Today was the first play of the season.

Unfortunately I didn't care for the play much and got really overwhelmed by the people sitting next to me. I've sat near them before.

They were laughing really loud and making comments the whole time.  They were clearly enjoying themselves and it was also a lot.

I am still feeling pretty confused and asking a lot of questions.

Right now I am struggling with how I "shouldn't" feel the way I do about my co-worker.

I'm trying to add self-compassion in - I didn't choose this feeling and this feeling is information I can explore.  I do think I "should" be mindful of how I interact with this person but the feeling itself is a feeling.

I am trying to embrace what I am feeling rather than resisting and ignoring it like I usually do. 

Relationships with other still remain the hardest thing in my life.  I am so worn out.

[Desert Flower]

I'm sorry you feel worn out Rainy. Wishing you well.

[Chart]

San, the more I think about that word limerence, the less I think it describes what is going on.  I think it was coined before trauma was understood as it is now.  I do think my relationship to men (plus so much more) is more an indication of trauma and attachment needs.

Rainydiary,
Thank you for bringing this up!!! It really clicked for me. My feelings of attraction are very definitely most often that abandonment wound wanting to be filled. I've always (unconsciously) known this. The concept of limerence should indeed be looked at from a new (trauma) perspective.

I'm trying to add self-compassion in - I didn't choose this feeling and this feeling is information I can explore.  I do think I "should" be mindful of how I interact with this person but the feeling itself is a feeling.

I am trying to embrace what I am feeling rather than resisting and ignoring it like I usually do. 

Relationships with other still remain the hardest thing in my life. I am so worn out.

I so relate to this. I did this for years. But let me say I think that you're on the right track. As we listen more and more to our emotions this allows their "processing" and we can pass on to other things. This frees up immense amounts of energy that we'd previously been throwing into our wrangled emotions. But it is a work, and it does take a long time... But it's worth it I believe.

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I appreciate the care.

Chart, I appreciate the idea of freeing up energy.  I think that is what has been going on for me.
.........

I am feeling really depleted after work.

It wasn't a particularly taxing day personally...well, let me rephrase that.

It was taxing because of the garbage I witnessed today.  Teachers making comments about kids in front of kids that just shouldn't happen.  Teachers making rules like "be kind" and breaking their own rules with their behavior.  Teachers having posters on their walls about diversity but not wanting diverse learners in their rooms. 

I want to scream at all of them. I have ideas and perspective.  But they won't hear me.  I am so upset.

[lostwanderer]

Teachers making comments about kids in front of kids that just shouldn't happen.  Teachers making rules like "be kind" and breaking their own rules with their behavior.  Teachers having posters on their walls about diversity but not wanting diverse learners in their rooms. 

I want to scream at all of them.

I would want to scream too rainy.  That would feel infuriating to me.

[Chart]

One of the insidious "benefits" of Cptsd and developmental trauma is the capacity to clearly see hypocrisy.

Learning how to manage the stress this awareness brings is yet another task on the long list of things we have to do like finding balance and healthy/effective emotional reactions.
    

I relate Rainy...