Rainy Journal 2025

[rainydiary]

I am glad to be back and to take time to explore my thoughts and experiences here.

I look back on the past year and see how far I've come.  As some things heal, other things still feel incredibly hurtful.

My in-laws will be coming in a few weeks time.  It feels like they are always coming.  I would be fine if I never had to see them again.  I know that isn't reasonable given a lot of factors...but it is how I feel.

I tried sharing my perspective with my husband during a shared counseling session.  I think he understood my perspective more than the counselor did.  But, he continues to not register what his family does as abuse so it's hard for things to change too much.  All I can do is try to take care of myself.

I'm also just generally struggling with my "relationship" to my family.  I am in this place where I feel like my parents don't like me.  They don't really try to reach out anymore and if I send them a brief update of something neutral, I don't get much of a response. 

I think my struggle is with the pressure for how things are "supposed to be" and how they really are for me.  I feel a lot of anxiety and shame.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Welcome back, I missed you.  It's good to hear you've noticed some changes over the year - you mentioned being able to see how far you've come.  That sounds positive.  But like you said, as some things heal, other things still feel incredibly hurtful.  I'm sending you a hug of care and support, if that's ok 

I also struggle with feeling that society sometimes portrays how things should be, rather than the truth of how things actually are - I also feel anxiety and shame about those things - what I'm trying to say is that I empathise with what you said.   

Anyway, I'm glad you're here again.
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, I appreciate you checking in and I appreciate the care and support.

I am feeling unexpectedly drained this evening.

My therapy session today was good but also has left me with a lot of feelings.  I am trying to sit with how I experience the foundation of my relationship to my husband and also how often I feel a lack of control in my marriage and elsewhere.

I also heard from a colleague who is searching for a new job.  She didn't ask me which email address to use for reference and included my work one. I don't check my work email in the summer which means I won't be able to fill out a survey for her.

I'm annoyed that she didn't ask for which email to use and hasn't contacted me at all since I saw her on the last day of school.  I have no intention of opening my work email to check and also feel very bad for that decision.

My body is also fried because it has been so hot the past several days.  We have an air conditioner in our bedroom and I am struggling with it because it is too loud.  The sound makes sleeping difficult.  I wear ear plugs but sometimes sound still seeps in.

*sigh* I am trying to get to sleep and hope that I can.  Hopefully writing here will help ease my mind a bit.

[rainydiary]

I ended up sleeping last night although my sleep was a bit restless.

I feel less conflicted today about not checking my work email for my colleague. 

I feel like I am figuring out important things right now. 

[rainydiary]

Part of me knows I am having a good day.  I've done things that I enjoy and am feeling to me what feels like relaxed.

And my brain starts in on me with the voice of my parents.  It's telling me my choice of activities isn't valid, that I am a loser, that I don't have a life, that what I like to do isn't good enough.

I'm going to try to say kind and compassionate things to myself. 

[Chart]

 

[natureluvr]

I'm also just generally struggling with my "relationship" to my family.  I am in this place where I feel like my parents don't like me.  They don't really try to reach out anymore and if I send them a brief update of something neutral, I don't get much of a response. 

I feel sad about this.    if OK. 

I think my struggle is with the pressure for how things are "supposed to be" and how they really are for me.  I feel a lot of anxiety and shame.

I resonate with this.  I'm feeling empathy for you and your situation right now. 

And my brain starts in on me with the voice of my parents.  It's telling me my choice of activities isn't valid, that I am a loser, that I don't have a life, that what I like to do isn't good enough.

I'm going to try to say kind and compassionate things to myself. 

It sounds like the inner critic, which was installed by our parents as children.  Pete Walker has some good things to say about how to deal with this.  If you go to his website at https://www.pete-walker.com on the upper left there is a link "shrinking the inner critic".  Just a suggestion, take it or leave it.   

[rainydiary]

Chart & Natureluvr, I appreciate your support and comfort.

This week my therapist brought up the idea of control in my life and it has been on my mind a lot.

I don't entirely know what to make of it but am recognizing a lot of ways people in my past and present have attempted to or have succeeded in exerting control over me.

I didn't feel able to always stand up or resist that control so I have attempted to cope by trying to internally control many things as well as trying to control my environment as much as possible.

All of this has been so exhausting and I feel really upset. Naming this control and my feeling of lack of control has been helpful although I believe there is still a lot of difficulty ahead.

[rainydiary]

I am struggling this evening with an EF given distressing news my husband shared about his family.

I had an EF yesterday too while watching a movie.

This week the words control and abandonment have been on my mind and a lot of old memories are coming up.

I want to offer so much comfort to my younger self.  And my current self.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you some support - it sounds like there's a lot going on - I'm sorry you've heard some distressing news regarding your husband's family - I very much hope that you are able to comfort your younger self and your current self.
Hope

[Chart]

Sending hugs RD. De-stress vibrations and comfort too.
 

[rainydiary]

Hope & Chart, I appreciate the support and encouragement.

I am rather tired today.  I am not sleeping particularly well this week.  I hope that shifts a bit the next week.

I am still drained by the EFs.  This morning my husband initiated a conversation about toxic families.  I was really surprised.  I don't think he has a realistic view of the toxicity of his family based on what he said, but maybe we are getting closer to communicating more about the difficulties I face with them and his dynamic with them.

I will have some days to myself as my husband will be traveling for work.  I hope to rest and indulge and take care.  Work will be resuming before long and my in laws are coming for a visit which will unfortunately spoil my summer break.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I will have some days to myself as my husband will be traveling for work.  I hope to rest and indulge and take care.  Work will be resuming before long and my in laws are coming for a visit which will unfortunately spoil my summer break.

A few days to yourself sounds really nice, I also hope you can use the time to rest and recuperate! Sorry you're experiencing these EFs. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Aphotic.

I am resting today and feeling a lot.

In therapy I've been talking about my tendency to people please and about my relationship to control.

I'm not really sure how to interpret conversations that I had yesterday with my therapist but am feeling really embarrassed and emotionally sore.

I think the gist of the conversation is that I do a lot of things for others and less for myself.  I'm honestly not even sure how to do things for myself.  I think that I am at times but I'm not sure how what I'm doing is different than others.

I am tired of talking about inner thoughts with others.  It leaves me feeling so vulnerable and sad and ashamed.

[Little2Nothing]

Rainy, I can 100% relate to that! There are days I leave therapy and I just want to crawl under a rock. I feel extreme shame and sadness. Sometimes I think I will never go gack - but I always do!!!!