Rainy Journal 2025

[Desert Flower]

Rainy, I just wanted to say I read this too. And it's almost like I hear myself talking.
Communicating about my needs (with or without dissociating), management at work changing (feels unstable and insecure), caring for yourself first, (trouble) sleeping and lower back issues. Wow.
Being aware of all this and yourself is very good I think. I hope you can relax a little too.

[sanmagic7]

being there for yourself is a good phase to be going into, in my opinion, rainy.  i know how difficult it can be, and i still have problems with it from time to time.  sorry to hear you're having physical blowbacks - that's not good.  hopefully it's due to a period of adjustment and will soon pass.

i'm so glad you know the impact you have, and that you're connecting more with those who matter.  sounds positive to me.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower and San, I am not able to respond to you all right now.  I appreciate you checking in.
............
I am feeling so deflated.

Today at work a person I really trusted said unhelpful things about students.  It made me realize she is part of the problem and it made me so sad.

I am sad too because I don't want to write a person off for thoughtless, uninformed comments.  But I also am feeling the weight of how much information I've shared that would support in understanding these students more.  I'm realizing that very few people have been listening and it makes me feel foolish.

The way it makes me feel is that they are saying some kids belong and some don't.  If I'm being generous, perhaps they are wanting to maintain safety of staff and students.  There is most likely perspective I don't have. But I still feel so sad and low.

I haven't felt this defeated at work in a long time.  This is usually the feeling that pushes me toward a new job.

[Blueberry]

I hear you rainy

[Desert Flower]

I feel really bad for you Rainy. And you surely do not need to respond if you don't feel like it. Just know that I hear you too. 

I'm not sure this is the same thing, but I had an experience like this once, where I had a trainee that I needed to guide at work and I had shared a lot of information with her and she turned to be quite the sociopath and it made me feel very uneasy and inadequate.

But even if it turns out like this sometimes, I applaud you for sharing, it's a risk we take and we need to I think, otherwise our situation won't improve. And I should like to think we all belong.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate being heard here.
...
Desert Flower, last time I was just in a mental space where words wouldn't come.  Thank you for sharing your experience with me.  I am very open about my needs at work but it can be risky to be that way...or at least it was in the past.  I don't think I am actually in "danger" as I was in previous jobs but my brain doesn't know how to imagine a different outcome right now.
............
I made it through the first week.  I was pretty low feeling the past few days.  Today I woke up and decided that I don't want to let the poor behavior of my colleagues and imperfect ways they talk about kids silence me.  I had pretty much resolved to just not talk anymore which is not realistic.   


I do think I can refocus my energy and continue to evolve my approach.  I did build a really useful connection at work.  The educator that teaches art and music at our school is open to me being on her class to work with my caseload.  Many of my students would benefit a lot from practice with their skills in their natural situations.  I spent like 3 hours in the room with this teacher and not once did she make me feel bad about what I was doing (which is rare).

I also can't handle the small shared space I am assigned to anymore. I have been ignored by the principal when expressing my difficulty with the space and I can't handle her lack of understanding.  She says I belong at their school but her actions especially with things I directly ask for don't make me feel that way.

I plan to try to take kids there are little as possible.  One of my colleagues that I share with completely lacks boundaries no matter how I set them.  He interrupts my work and comes and goes randomly in ways that make me anxious and angry.  So if I can remove myself from it as often as possible to do my work then I will.

I am really drained and hope I can sleep better tonight.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Rainy, I'm glad you made it through the week, and that you decided you're not gonna let your poor collegues get you down so much.    And also that you made a good connection at work. 

And I think you are doing very well with being open and letting others know what your needs are. And then following up on that too. I'm proud of you.

I hope you sleep well.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Rainy,
I think it's great that you're able to identify the warning signs in others, like one lacking boundaries, and you being ignored by your principal. As you're doing so well, you're taking steps to either assert your boundaries or remove yourself from these troubles.

You feeling drained is completely understandable. I probably would be too.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

i echo the others, rainy.  as tiring as this has been for you, i think you're doing a really good job w/ colleagues and boundaries.  i know from experience that sometimes a simple 'knock it off' can stop those rude people in their tracks.  don't know if that's appropriate here, but it's what came to mind that i would like to say to that colleague on your behalf!

i hope you've gotten some rest over the weekend.  so glad the art teacher seems to be on your side.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support Desert Flower, Aphotic, and San.  My experience has gotten a bit more complex over the past few days which I'll try to explain below.  I'm having trouble with being kind to myself.
.........
On Friday at work I let down my guard a bit more than usual in some interactions with colleagues who claim to be supportive of autistic people.  I am left feeling a bit worse for doing so - it was like they literally didn't know what to say and what they did say wasn't helpful.  I could feel their frustration which is triggering for me.

I am deeply bothered by how the Kindergarten teachers, principal, and special education teacher are approaching concerns or questions about some students coming in.  Students are already being written off as "not belonging" and school hasn't started for them. 

I already have been asked to do an evaluation for a student that the vibe is "clearly doesn't belong here."  I'm worried that by us rushing to do something we won't consider the child as a whole person and that we will miss identifying supports that will help them.  But also I'm not sure that many students can even be truly supported in the ways they need with our current systems so I feel stuck in how much and if I even speak up.

What's eating at me is feeling unable to say things in a way that is heard by others.  I am learning more about ableism and how that very much is at play in these situations.  I can communicate and communicate and communicate but if others aren't willing to check in with themselves and do something besides "what we always do" then we will remain stuck.

I also acknowledge that a lot of the stress and comments from the educators comes from a place of stress, worry, fear.  They are also held to unreasonable expectations and also lack knowledge and support for complex student needs.  Lots of systems and mindset change needs to take place.

But the outright prejudice of disabled people that is just accepted as "normal" is wearing on me.  My relationship and understanding of this changed over time and is intolerable to me. 

[Desert Flower]

Hi Rainy, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. And from what you say, I can totally understand too.

But also I'm not sure that many students can even be truly supported in the ways they need with our current systems

I think so too Rainy, sadly our school systems seem to be organised around some non-existing average person. And all the kids just seem to have to fit into this mold. Like pushing all these star-shaped, round, whatever-shaped humans through this one size square hole.
(My son's teacher from last year had really made some good adjustments for him in the classroom and he had really begun to feel and perform better. And I just today had a conversation with his teacher for this year who basically said that she wasn't going to make any adjustments unless he ask. Knowing that asking would be difficult for him. So there you go. We'll have to take extra care with him.)
Sorry if this post is too much about me. I just wanted to say I get it.

And I think it's true what you say about being heard. There's this little joke that we have that says: You can't get a waitress to see you until she wants to see you (to take your order that is). People won't hear you until they're ready to change. It's hard.

I do hope you feel better soon. And don't give up. A hug if that's okay, of not, please disregard. 

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I appreciate you sharing your experience and don't mind.  It helps me feel less alone.  I am sorry to hear about your son - I don't agree with his new teacher's approach and hope that things will go ok for him.
.........
For a while I've had this vague sense of something I don't exactly know how to describe.

I feel like something is missing.  I feel a huge hole where safety and support and family growing up wasn't. 

I'm feeling desire to express creatively.  I'll work toward that.

[rainydiary]

Slowly I am figuring out ways to mostly help me sleep better.  Not having a job that drains me so much would help a lot but while I am doing what I am doing, it helps figuring out what sort of helps.

Today was hard.  I spent time in a Kindergarten classroom and was really disgusted by what I experienced.  This was the first day of class and I was there to observe the student I overheard folks complaining about last week.

The mindset of this teacher just astonished me.  I observed kids ready to learn and be engaged and all I saw was her wearing their personalities down.  It made me so sad.

The child that I was there to learn more about was lovely.  I personally think that if that teacher actually tried to engage any of the children in her room it would be amazing.  I think this particular child could be supported in her class.  But I imagine I will lose and they will put her in a separate class.

The art teacher was even a bit too sharp and uncool to some of my students today and it hurt me to see. The difference for me with this teacher is that I think she and I are developing rapport so I think I will be able to talk to her about these things.  Maybe not this month but I think she and I can work toward something. 

I kept thinking about what Desert Flower said.  The image of the server not being ready to see you until they are ready to see you was really helpful.  I am disappointed in my colleagues and hope that more of them will be ready to see me. Being ignored by them and watching them struggle when I have offered help is really annoying and hurtful. 

[sanmagic7]

it's so discouraging to hear all this, rainy.  really sorry you have to deal with it.  i don't understand people who are in a position to help kids who need extra help having attitudes and ignorance.  ugh! i've long held the theory that most people in the helping professions go by the 'bell jar' vision - 80% of people do, indeed, fall w/in the range of the bell jar, but there is a 10% of people who fall into the little flip on one side, and 10% who fall into the little flip on the other side.  it's these 20% who often get overlooked and are treated as 'normal'.

you are one of the few professionals who are willing to look outside the 'norm' and are able to 'see' the 20% and treat them accordingly.  it's so frustrating to work w/ others who don't.  i know this from experience, both as a colleague and as a client/patient.  know that i hear you and am standing with you.  this ain't easy by any means!

good luck w/ the sleep stuff.  i've been rethinking how to sleep for myself recently.  i hope you find something that works for you.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, thank you for the encouragement and perspective. 

It is discouraging.  I want to ask that educator how she would feel if her first day of work was constant being told all the ways she was on her own and how no one would help her with skills she has not yet learned. 

As I was thinking about that educator, I think she may have unidentified neurodivergence.  I think a lot of the educators at that school do.  I think a part of them subconsciously treat the kids the way they do because they are scared of a part of themselves they aren't able to face.

The sleep piece I realized is I get anxious about not hearing my alarm.  So for years anxiety has driven me awake.  I decided to try a wrist alarm.  Wearing a watch is too uncomfortable so I got a band that is just an alarm.  It's worked so far.
.........

Today was unique. 

I had reached out the new school counselor last week to say I am open to collaboration. I told him that I have unique perspective about autism and trauma.  He acknowledged my email.  I wasn't expecting much.

Today he stopped by my workspace and asked to hear more about my perspective.  He listened to me and gave me space.  I was glad to say out loud some of the things I needed to say, mostly that I needed to say "I feel alone."  He emphasized that I am not alone and when he said it I believed him. 

I don't know what will come of that conversation but it was meaningful to me.  I am finding it hard to accept being treated with respect.