Rainy Journal 2025

[rainydiary]

lostwanderer, thank you for joining me in the scream.

Chart, I appreciate the reminder that I am also managing and trying to balance a lot.
.........

Today I tried to be an advocate for students but worry I just upset a ton of people.

I have been trying to notice my tendency to want to control things.  It is hard to not want to control how unpleasant and hurtful we can be to one another.

Something weighing on me today is that I made a mistake with a student today.  This student uses an augmentative communication app on an iPad as their spoken communication is limited. 

Today a new classmate introduced themselves and this student told them he doesn't know his name.  So I told the new student his name.

I wish I hadn't spoken for him.  The look he gave me was complex.  I am so challenged working with this student because it is complex helping him and I have my own biases and lack of awareness that I bring.

I apologized to him at the end of the day for speaking for him and he patted me on the shoulder to say it's ok. 

I am noticing my infatuation with my co-worker at least isn't increasing.  I do wish we could speak more just because I think he genuinely is the only person at that school that can more closely relate to my experience.  And also I'm not interested in pushing interactions unnaturally.

I am trying to take it easy the rest of the day.

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

and this is the difference between someone truly in recovery and someone who isn't - you sought out that child and apologized.  well done, rainy!   you're a beautiful being, and that kid knows it. 

i hope you get more time w/ your co-worker, too, just because it would feel good to be in the presence of someone on your side.  you've struggled so much w/ this stuff, he sounds like a breath of fresh air.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Chart, I appreciate the care.

San, thank you.  I think my missteps with that student in particular are also a reflection of me and pressure I feel as a communicator.  He and I will be ok. 

I appreciate your reflection about my colleague - it is nice to have a different kind of person because yes so many are really awful and I am working too hard for those that don't want me.  I am noticing more people coming to me that are genuinely interested and I am working to give my energy there.
......

I wanted to write a reflection about some positives that are coming to mind.

It's been helpful to have the workspace at work to myself.  That will change next week and I am wondering how I will manage.  I've mostly made a decision to not engage with my office mates as much and just focus on what I need.  I was too accommodating to them last year. 

I am enjoying working in the room with the art teacher.  It isn't perfect, but it is giving me a chance to know more students which helps students I work with too because it helps me teach kids how to be responsive communication partners.  It's helpful too to see the barriers my students face in real time. 

Earlier this week a parent of a student I worked with last year emailed me and asked me to call her.  I hate phone calls and didn't want to, but it seemed important given that she was reaching out (which she didn't do last year). 

When I called her she shared her frustration with changes that were made to the preschool program and the negative impact it will have on her child.  I 100% agree with her and had the same thoughts. I told her I agreed and would do my best to raise her concerns and share my own.  Which I did.

The responses we received back were not supportive. My supervisor basically said "we know, we are working on it" and had the gumption to suggest I tell the parent how to support her child's communication at home (which is not the point and insulting to say to me because I am already doing that).  The student's teacher said "The classroom we have now lets me individualize to each student" which is not at all what happens.

I was amused by the parent's response to me which was "that response was to be expected. We will keep fighting."  It made me like her so much.  So I have another ally in a different form.

Tomorrow I have a small medical procedure that I am a bit worried about.  I am worried about pain and the awkwardness of the procedure as it relates to my reproductive system.  I will take a half day off work.  I decided against a full day because I know I would just sit at home and worry. 

[Desert Flower]

Good luck with the procedure Rainy, I understand one would worry about that, it's good you recognized it and are taking care as much as is helpful. I hope it goes well.

[sanmagic7]

hope the procedure goes well, rainy.  i think the half day was a good call.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

I wish you the best with your procedure, and hope it goes well.  Sending you hugs   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

rainy, I hope the procedure goes well

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, San, Hope, and Blueberry - thank you for the wishes.  It is over and I am feeling cramped but hopefully that will ease.  I suppose we'll see how I feel tomorrow.
......

I am feeling weird after my doctor appointment and distressed by something that happened at work today.

A university in our state reached out to the school where I work to see if they would participate in a program that is supposed to train teachers on managing "challenging behaviors" in autistic children.

That phrasing gave me bad vibes and I did some research on the program.  It is basically training teachers in a methodology that is often used with autistic kids and that has been proven to cause trauma because it is essentially encouraging kids to stop being autistic (which you can't do).

This methodology doesn't address or acknowledge how our brains work or trauma - it is all focused on behaviorism.  I resist the notion that we as people can be reduced to positive and negative reinforcement for all aspects of our being.

My colleagues are excited about the training and mean well.  But I know that this would make things worse the autistic kids in our school and for me. 

My husband shared his perspective on how he would frame this with my colleagues.  But I don't agree with him or at least think I should say things the way I want to say them even if I am ignored.

Because at the end of the day I will say something. 

[rainydiary]

Wanting to get some thoughts out this morning before work.

I slept fine until 1 am and could not get back to sleep.

I am upset about my cat and work.

When I was getting dressed this morning, I had this warm sensation across my shoulders.  It felt like something or someone was comforting me. 

This morning I need to acknowledge how despite saying I planned to use my energy differently with my colleagues, I am not.  I am still fighting and trying to get them to see things they clearly don't want to see.

I used a website called Magic To Do which uses AI to help me write an email to my colleague I don't want to participate in the research.  I said my reasons and what I plan to do instead.

I want other people to hear what I'm saying but I'm tired.  I need to regroup and refocus my energy.  There are people willing to be respectful that I will focus on.

[Chart]

RD, I applaud your courage and position. You believe something and I'm thinking you certainly know the subject. And you're doing something about it, and going against the current at work.

Just a little anticipation: IF some or certain colleges "don't get it", dont fall into stress or get overly frustrated. Focus on what you can and did do. After, there're always certain people who will disagree and not see the problems in the process. Remember, this is not your responsibility.

I might be off-base anticipating all this. Don't hesitate to let me know.

[lostwanderer]

This morning I need to acknowledge how despite saying I planned to use my energy differently with my colleagues, I am not.  I am still fighting and trying to get them to see things they clearly don't want to see.

This is so relatable to me.  Granted it's not about my colleagues but I understand this feeling.  I know when I find myself in a place where I'm doing something I don't want to do, that feels super frustrating.  I know for me it can be so easy to get down on myself but as someone on the outside, I would bet there's a good reason why you find yourself using your energy in that way still.  Either way, that sounds difficult and I'm sorry rainy.

[Chart]

For me these kinds of situations just take me back to my family dynamic. I've been conscious of that for a long time. Breaking those patterns in myself has been hard but I've definitely made progress over the years. For me it's all about "holding my ground" AND letting go (which is different from "giving up".)

This is a huge subject, but I just want to point out two "tactics" important in maintaining a moral position. One is "over-defending". As the years have passed I've realized that I need to save my energy and stop arguing much much sooner. I do this by switching the subject to the fact that we don't agree. And I dont get pulled back into the original subject. Just simply, we don't agree... And now I'm going to go have a tea, you want one. (End open and neutral.)

The second tactic is Silence. Using silence at important points and letting it work for me. Not responding to provocation is an obvious moment to use this. Pausing and letting time and silence hang there.

When I use these tactics it helps me to be conscious of the fact that it's going to be VERY HEALTHY for me to walk away from this situation and NOT carry it around with me all day. I want and need to let it go.

But I'm very likely digressing here so I'm gonna stop.

I hope your situation is not continuing to cause stress RD. Sending support
 

[rainydiary]

Chart, I definitely am working through the stress of people not getting it.  I am realizing some dynamics from my upbringing that are at play here and will retire more below.

...
lostwanderer, thank you for your reflection.  I do think I turn the pain on myself and it is helpful to remind myself that even if it isn't helping me, there is a reason I do what I do. 
.........

I slept soundly last night and am having big thoughts this morning that I will try to get down.  I am still processing but it can help to try to say what is coming up.

I am especially bothered by the response of two particular colleagues.  One is the principal of the school and the other is the special education teacher. 

They both speak about wanting students (and me) to feel a sense of belonging and speak supportively to me about the experience of autistic people and disabled people. 

Their actions and words often directed at kids but sometimes me speak a different message.  I've seen them both say mean things about colleagues and even their response and treatment of me has been mean at times. 

My issue isn't that because my actions and words don't always match what my aims and intentions are...but the lack of reflection and willingness to try something different or even just to hear me hurt so much.  I see them digging their heels in and becoming defensive. 

Last night I saw someone post something in an autism group I am in on social media.  They suggested that for autistic people trying to inform others of things can be a trauma response.  While that is just someone's idea or perspective, it really resonated with me.  I've been informing and informing and informing trying to be heard and that phase needs to stop or take a different shape.

This morning I went for a walk and listened to songs that help me process my feelings.  I am feeling lighter inside and think I am healing and growing something here.

I realized that the special education teacher visually reminds me of my mother at times.  She sort of looks like my mom and steamrolls my experience like my mom.  I think part of me has been stuck in trying to win her approval.

Then it occurred to me this teacher and principal have sort of become my work parents and that dynamic has also put pressure on me to try to be pleasing.

I am recognizing ways I've been trying hard to exert control.  I have so many reasons for doing that and it is growth that I am seeing it.  I think that is part of why the past few days have hurt so much - I see what I'm doing, see it's not working, and trying a different way feels scary because I don't know how the new way will go (whereas continuing to force myself on the notice of others results in stuff I have dealt with before).

I hope that when I go to work on Monday it will be more whole and more myself.

[Armee]

Rainy, your outrage and grief over these situations is 100% well founded and caring and correct. I hope one day you are able to be in a position to make the big changes needed around you but for now just a reminder that I know you know...you individually can and DO make a huge difference to those kids. A kind comment from you later "hey I saw that and that wasn't OK for her to say to you and by the way these are all the awesome things I see about you" that kind of thing can often erase any damage done by the original comment. You have all that power and the heart to use it. And you do, all the time. But it's exhausting and must be triggering to witness that behavior so much. My heart goes out to you.