Rainy Journal 2025

[rainydiary]

I noticed that per Kizzie's announcement, some posts from San and Blueberry aren't here anymore.  I remember what you all wrote and appreciate your support. 
......
Right now I am close to needing to leave for work.

I am thinking about how at times I don't know how to think about myself but through the eyes of others.

I feel very alone at work and I am not enjoying it. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy, yeah, my post disappeared in another journal, too.  thanks for saying this, cuz it helped me not go nuts thinking i'd written something but not finding it.

i think i've seen myself only thru the eyes of others on many occasions.  not having a good sense of self will do that, won't it.

i wish your work situation was better, wish i could help.  know that i'm by your side if you need me.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the care, San. 
.........
Today is feeling hard.

I am crying.  In some ways that is good because it means I am connecting with what I feel.

What I am feeling today is grief.

I am missing the three colleagues that were actually respectful and supportive of me last year.

Two quit our school district because it isn't easy working there.  The other was moved to another school (ironically to the one I was moved from and didn't want to leave).

I am realizing that I could be myself with these three people and say things I needed to say.

That is gone now and I am struggling to find the support they gave me.

It is making me feel really hurt and alone.

I do think seeing that I am grieving is a helpful thing. 

[Desert Flower]

I get you would be grieving that Rainy.
It's really important we have some people that support us. We can feel really lonely without it.

I hope you feel our support here Rainy. Take care.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Desert Flower, I do.
.........

I had a weird day and want to get some thoughts out before I try to sleep.  I think I will just write what comes to mind so it won't be cohesive.

I spoke to a colleague at work that is feeling more trusted and definitely cried when talking to her. The unfortunate part is this took place in the teacher lounge so it was witnessed by many.

I think my infatuation with the school counselor is decreasing and he has become human again and has been disappointing after a good start although some of that judgment is me feeling ashamed of becoming infatuated.

I had to share my office space with someone today who has been given an unreasonable workload.  It isn't my responsibility to care for her and also her overwhelm will impact my work and shared space. On Mondays I will have to deal with two adults in addition to me in the space which is my nightmare.  And who knows if that schedule will remain.  I am trying to let it go as much as I can but that is hard.

I still feel very uncomfortable at this school and I'm not really sure what to do.

I wish I could stay home tomorrow but I committed to doing a presentation and need to show up.

The days where I don't see students are too hard.

[rainydiary]

I didn't sleep enough last night.

I have a presentation at work today I am excited and anxious about.

I am realizing that some of my discomfort these days is because I am taking up more space and speaking up more.

That feels so scary and terrifying...and it is also so necessary.

[Desert Flower]

I hope the presentation went all right.

And yes Rainy, I can totally relate to feeling very uncomfortable because of speaking up for yourself. It feels absolutely terrifying. But you are doing so great. As a matter of fact, I wanted to let you know you are part of my inspiration to go through with speaking up for myself at the office as well and I now managed to secure my own reserved desk at work although there is no policy for it and it was unexpected for people and although I know many many more ('normal' - there aren't any in my view) people would like a reserved space as well in this awful 'flexible' office. And I felt very very uncomfortable standing there and having to say "I have an invisible disorder" (it was all I could think of) but now that I've got it, it feels very nice. And I'm very proud of me and very proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Keep it up if you can. And take care.

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I appreciate you sharing your experience and thank you.

.........

As I was driving to work something occurred to me which is helping me feel a bit better.

A lot of my current challenge at work comes from being an autistic person and seeing how autistic students in particular are treated in schools.

I've been feeling so upset with my colleagues and how they are handling their experiences with their autistic students.

It occurred to me that most of my colleagues have probably not knowingly met an adult autistic person and that my representation of myself and autism is probably very disorienting and new to them.

I am not willing to excuse all of the things I see and hear especially since I offer information and learning opportunities for people.  But I also see the ways that we don't collectively learn how to talk about neurodivergence and disability in supportive ways. 

People are talking about things in ways they have learned.  I want them to learn new ways and am hurt that they aren't.  But it isn't actually personal to me and I don't have to own the choices of others.

[Armee]

Really remarkable insights, Rainy. 

[NarcKiddo]

But it isn't actually personal to me and I don't have to own the choices of others.

Thank you so much for this sentence, rainydiary. I struggle with thinking that I will somehow be lumbered with the choices of others. It is good to bear in mind what you said.

I'm sorry you have been feeling upset with your colleagues and I hope that situation resolves.

[sanmagic7]

dear rainy,

i'm so glad for your realizations, especially since they help you feel better.  i think your observations are spot on.  nice work! 

i'm sorry you're having shame about your infatuation.  it sounded pretty 'normal' to me, given he was a sympathetic presence, even if for only a while.  i hope you can offload it.

standing up for oneself can certainly be discomforting, especially when we're not used to it.  i hope you can keep it up, tho - i think this is one personal area where practice really helps make it more familiar and easier to continue doing.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you for the cheer!
...
NarcKiddo, thank you - it isn't easy for me to believe that all the time. 
...
San, I have been thinking about the experience of standing up for myself.  I'm not sure if that is what is eating at me.  I feel confused as to what is going on.  But I am gaining practice with my "newer" me which is feeling good.
............

I will be taking my cat to the vet tomorrow and decided to take the whole day off work.  Experience has taught me that these visits are so draining and it is helpful to give myself space. 

But I am feeling guilty. I don't like missing time with students and wish work was more flexible overall.  I also think some of my guilt is because of how I'm feeling with my colleagues and I am stuck in feeling like I need to prove myself.

I don't know.  I just feel really confused right now and don't understand what is going on with me. Things are so new and different I feel disoriented.

Today I enjoyed time by the ocean, built Legos, and watched Extraordinary Attorney Woo. I've had some recovery this weekend from the week.  The coming two weeks will be busy and hopefully I can take care.

[Chart]

 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the care Chart.

I need to leave for work soon and I would rather not.

Staying home yesterday was helpful.  I slept for 10 and a half hours which I haven't done in a long time.

My cat's vet visit was relatively fine.  I think she just has issues that there is no good solution for.  It's hard to say how near her time she is.  But for now we'll keep doing our best.

I have been having really intense dreams which is unnerving me.

This morning when I was out walking I also got yelled at by someone.  What they yelled was about them and not me, but I am still shaken.

I want things to feel ok at work but they don't. 

[Chart]

Rainy, Are you feeling unsafe or insecure at work? If this is the case it's perfectly logical that you're struggling with work. We all need safety. Is there any way to make your work environment more secure and safe for you?