Rainy Journal 2025

[Desert Flower]

I'm very sorry for what your husband said, that sounds very harsh to me. I hope you can sleep a little and take care of yourself first and foremost.

[Chart]

I'm sorry Rainy. I'm constantly thinking about this dynamic... our wants, our needs... Trying to communicate and express these things... and being heard... It's so hard. I don't know if I'm finding a way... out... or otherwise. I relate to your situation.
 

[rainydiary]

Thank you everyone.

A short update:

I got a lot of sleep last night which helps.

This morning my husband is not acknowledging anything that took place yesterday.  I'm not surprised but it is hurting.

I am going to shift my focus for the next several weeks to really caring for myself and checking out a bit from my relationship with him.

He has an individual appointment with our counselor in about 2 weeks and will also be leaving for his trip with his parents around that time too.

I suppose we will have to wait for another joint appointment until December perhaps. 

I want faster resolution but this is a time where things are going to move at the pace they move.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Glad you were able to rest a little, rainy, despite the circumstances. Wishing you well as always.


Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, from a T point of view, as hurtful as what he said is, if it's the truth, at least there's something to dig into, find a reason for, look at in order to determine what he's running from exactly - your words, your thoughts, your feelings, you as a partner, etc. - and that can be a starting point for getting to the basis of it all and mending what's needing to be mended. i hope that T can get to some of the bottom of his words in his indiv. appt.  if none of this is helpful, please ignore.  my T side sometimes takes over.

ultimately, i'm glad you felt heard.  that's really important, in my mind.  so, yeah, i don't think there's a quick fix here, but there may be a way thru that's helpful for both of you.  we can only hope.

sending love and a hug filled w/ care and support and strength for what's coming.  bumpy ride, indeed.

[rainydiary]

Aphotic, thank you. 
......
San, thank you for your thoughts.  I don't think I'm actually hurt by him saying that (because honestly I want a break from him too right now).  What hurts is deeper which I'll say more about below.  Hopefully our counselor can help us at least talk about all this.
.........

I am trying to take a break.  I did a lot of work around the house this morning and there is still more to be done.  But I am trying to take it extra easy on myself.  I can try to do those things tomorrow or when it feels right.

I tried to communicate with my husband that I am shaken by what happened at our appointment and that I may be more inward for a while. 

He continues to try to engage with me and that is agitating me.  It makes me realize I want more space from him than I realized. 

I am also realizing how surface the bulk of our relationship has been.  That used to feel normal to me because my childhood was all surface too.

Right now I am feeling grief over that realization.  I have been left alone with myself and my feelings for the majority of my life. 

There have been people over the years that have helped me break through that a bit, but I am still learning to cultivate deeper relationships with others.

So even though I am going through this with my husband, it is part of a larger thing for me.

[sanmagic7]

that's a huge realization, rainy, on both levels.  i'm glad you're giving yourself time for yourself, a little break and some rest.  so much there for you to process.  hang tough, ok?  love and hugs

[Chart]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Chart and San.  Whether I have actually been giving myself a break is a different story.

I am trying to do that just now. 

I've been reflecting a lot on how much emotional and mental labor I do for my husband.

I've done almost as much healing work for him in my mind that I have done for myself.

The problem is that it's not working and it never will because he has to do it himself.

I am going to try really hard in the coming weeks to notice this tendency and shift the focus to my care and needs.

He will either catch up with me or he won't.  I have been on a different path from him for 5 years since his brother died.

I am scared of the uncertainty I am facing but the certainty of what I'll face if nothing changes isn't great.

[SenseOrgan]

This makes me want to cheer you on!

[sanmagic7]

 

another big realization, rainy.  wherever it leads, i'm with you, especially on the idea that if he doesn't do the work, you can't do it for him.  best with this.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and SenseOrgan.

I really ran out of steam the past few days.

The weekend was good but I got into some darkness in my thoughts.

Work has been ok this week but it always takes things out of me.

Today nothing in particular happened but I feel blah.

I am trying to rest in the inner quiet without thoughts constantly racing (although they unfortunately can at 2 a.m. and leaving me unable to get back to sleep).

[sanmagic7]

i hear you on those racing thoughts in the middle of the night, rainy.  they suck!  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate the understanding.  It is really tough.
.........
Today was hard.  I pushed myself past my limits for work and am paying a price for it now.

I was in two meetings at the end of the workday that were so exhausting for different reasons.

I spoke my mind and my truth in them.  This felt uncomfortable for different reasons - in one because I worry I made a coworker feel bad (which was not my intention) and in the other because a coworker who always steam rolls me did it again.

In the first meeting, a parent also complimented me and I found my heart touched but also struggling to allow myself to receive her compliment. 

I was in an EF on my way home and for a lot of this evening.  Sharing my thoughts, causing discomfort to others, and pushing myself past my limits are big sources.  I think also someone saying something nice to me hurt.

Eating dinner, showering, and watching Stranger Things is helping some.  I will go to bed as soon as this episode of Stranger Things is over.

[Chart]

I empathize RD. I can't even imagine working in an environment with people all day. I'm happy you were able to wind down a bit after your tough day.