Rainy Journal 2025

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are struggling with all this at the moment. It sounds really tough and maybe your husband's trip is indeed a good thing. You are right when you say that you cannot do the work for him and I guess everyone progresses at a different speed even if they are both putting in the same effort, which does not appear to be the case here. I hope things get better soon.

[Armee]

Hi Rainy,

I don't know if this will be helpful for you but my T sent these two podcast episodes to me on IFS and Autism. I am not autistic (tho lots of overlapping traits with CPTSD) but he thought I'd like it anyway. Before I knew about trauma I told my T I thought I was autistic.

But I did really like the way the speaker talked and made sense of things. So I don't know if it will be of interest to you but even separate from the topic of IFS I thought it was really interesting.

https://podtail.com/en/podcast/ifs-talks/

They are the two most recent episodes.

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Chart.  I am really struggling with all the people and even though I try to take care it doesn't feel like it is working right now.
...
I appreciate the support NarcKiddo.  I am feeling extra anxiety as his trip approaches.
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Armee, I appreciate the podcast recommendation.  I downloaded the episodes to listen to at some point.
............
I am really struggling.

I am trying and trying and trying but cannot consistently regulate.  Even when I try to not try it is still trying. 

I have moments where I'm ok but right now there is more perceived threat than love.

I will keep trying moment by moment but I wish I could figure out what I need.

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the care Armee.

I didn't expect to write again today but something shifted a bit.

Today was gentler than I expected.  I also started listening to a podcast whose guest was Dr. Mariel Buque.  She was speaking about intergenerational trauma.  The topic turned on a light for me. I think this is something it would help me to explore.

I am going to start reading Dr. Buque's book Break The Cycle.  I had to keep pausing the podcast episode because everything she said felt profound.

I also had some sweet moments at work.  One student invited me to go on a field trip his class is taking next week.  Last year he became so anxious about a field trip that he threw up before and wasn't allowed to go.  I don't know if that would happen again.  I told his teacher that I would be glad to go if it would be supportive.  So I think I will be going next week to a lake with this class. 

I also spoke with a kindergarten student who said to me "Before I lived in my apartment, I lived in my car."  I hope that I held space for her saying that well enough. 

[Armee]

You provide such beautiful support to your kids. They are so lucky to have you and I only wish that the issues with the adult colleagues could dissolve and give you more space to do what you are so good at.

[SenseOrgan]

Intergenerational trauma. Yes. That can be a very helpful perspective. I once listened to a podcast with the author of "It didn't start with you" about this topic. I can only speak for myself here, but when it sinks in it never was about you, that is a liberating insight.

[sanmagic7]

i know a lot of people don't believe in intergenerational trauma, rainy, and would probably scoff at the idea, but i believe it's real and can be devastating in ways we might not grasp.  it's huge, to my mind.

congratulations on the field trip invite!   it just shows how important you and your presence are to those kids.  i hope it's wonderful for both you and the kids.

sending love and a big basket to hold those compliments and nice things people say about you until they no longer hurt or you feel uncomfortable with them.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you - I wish that too.
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SenseOrgan, it's helpful to read your perspective and to consider that this will need time to settle and sink and process.
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San, I believe in it too and hope it will be a useful framework for my ongoing healing.  I am glad to be invited although the adults going will make me feel like a 3rd wheel.  There will be 6 parents and the school counselor is going too.  Honestly if the student that invited doesn't go for some reason I will probably bail.
.........
I am back to feeling more struggle.

I haven't been sleeping well.

Work was really awful yesterday and today my husband leaves for his trip with parents.  He's been trying to placate me which is making me mad.

I don't know what else to say right now.

[sanmagic7]

i think you said plenty.  not a surprise to me, rainy, that you had a rough nite. 

good luck w/ the field trip - i don't blame you for wanting to bail if that student doesn't go.  he was your main purpose for going yourself.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

 

[rainydiary]

San and Dolly, I appreciate the care. 
.........
Back to the field trip.  Yesterday I saw the teacher and she told me that the student had invited about person too and that person was also going to go.

I'm not upset with the student and am glad he has people he feels supported by.  But I felt weird after that and realized that I needed to opt out of going.  It was also related to some of the people going and unpleasant interactions I had with them this week.

My boundary was accepted and it feels right for me.  The student has people he will feel supported by.

The larger issue here though is how my colleagues treat me and by extension students like him.

I've been more directly speaking up about harm this week and will do more of it today.  I am very uncomfortable and I worry I am making myself a target.  But I would feel worse not saying anything.

My husband is gone on his trip and I'm sure that will weigh more on me this weekend.  I have a junk removal appointment scheduled for tomorrow that I am worried about but hoping that once the stuff is gone it will free up some emotions.

[rainydiary]

Today I saw that student and I told him I won't be going on the field trip.

He got angry and told me that I am not his friend anymore.

*sigh*  I wish I could help him understand my decision making had nothing to do with him.

[sanmagic7]

o rainy, that's too bad about the student.  their understanding of such things is so limited. very sorry that happened. 

i hope you continue w/ your boundary setting, and that it does not upend neg. stuff toward you.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

rainydiary
It feels good to prioritize your own needs and set boundaries, doesn't it? It's unfortunate the student got angry. I recognize the fear of becoming a target when speaking up in some way. What's often the case though, is that people do respect us much more when we act in a way that shows we respect ourselves. Being consistent with it is a challenge when there's so much fear around it.