Rainy Journal 2025

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and SenseOrgan. 

Too many things processing right now to say much.

I am understanding things with new awareness and am also stuck. 

I am trying to find my way and will share more when I can.

[Armee]

I relate to that Rainy. I'll be pulling for you to get unstuck. Me too.

[Chart]

Similar feeling here too. Day in day out... Just listened to the ifs podcast Armee posted. Extremely interesting (but the music during the podcast was oddly triggering).
Rainy, I feel you are carrying so much on your shoulders. I identify a lot with that (though maybe that's not exactly how you feel). Interesting... I'm trying to get rid of stuff too, and regularly visiting the dump to get empty my garage...
I wish us all Peace (and as much luck as possible.)
Sending hugs and support.
 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate the reminder I am not the only one.

Chart, thank you for checking in.  When I listen to the podcasts, I'll be ready for the music.  I didn't have a good experience with the junk removal people I hired and worry about another appointment I have tomorrow.
.........

I think I might be mostly out of my survival state at least for the time being.

It's hard to capture all of what has been going on but I would like to write about my family a bit.

I started mapping out a family tree which is something I've been wanting to do for a while.  I am using Ancestry.com because my husband paid for a membership for us for a bit. 

Mapping out the lines has been really interesting as it "confirms" vague stories I heard growing up.  This pairs well with me thinking about intergenerational trauma.

What is really standing out to me right now is my maternal grandmother and her father.  I don't know much about her father but the things I do know are awful.   

I didn't ever really like my grandma.  She made me feel unsteady and like I was doing something wrong whenever I was around her.  I never felt good around her.

Knowing what I know now, I would guess that she was also autistic and traumatized for sure.  What I do admire and thank her for is leaving her father's house.  She left because she wanted a better life for herself.  I'm not exactly sure she found it but she laid foundation for me to do work I am doing now. 

I don't understand why I am drawn to her story and the particular harm of my great-grandfather.  I'm curious but also a little scared of what I will uncover as I move forward.

[SenseOrgan]

I'm happy for you that you're mostly out of your survival state again!
Genealogy is an interesting tool for making sense of your own trauma. I never thought of that. I do suspect that a lot of trauma goes back generations. It's nice you also see something positive about your grandma. Have you ever looked into epigenetics? Good luck with the research.

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

I hope things go well with your generational map. At times, I feel like it has been very helpful for me to be aware of that.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that your family tree is going ok and continuing to be helpful.
I am also sending you support.
Hope

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey rainy, your family tree idea is really interesting. And also I commend your ability to research it all, I can't imagine it would be easy with however many memories it must trigger. But your post gives me some ideas of my own, so thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[rainydiary]

SenseOrgan, I appreciate your support.  I have heard of epigenetics but haven't learned much about it beyond the basics. I'm not sure where this is all leading but hopefully somewhere helpful.
...
Dolly, I appreciate knowing this can be a useful tool.  It has been interesting and surprising to see some of the lineage suggested by the Ancestry database.  I sent in my DNA sample and am also curious to see what information that offers.
...
Hope, thank you.  I haven't engaged with it much the past bit here as I need to give my energy to work but hopefully I will find small ways to keep exploring.
...
Aphotic, I appreciate your support.  Something I am feeling stuck on right now is how I won't really be able to talk to anyone in my family about all of this. 
............

I want to say more but I am exhausted today.  Work is difficult right now.

I am trying to find my way forward in a way that is truer to me. 

I really want to be seen and accepted as myself and worry that won't happen.

A big challenge is seeing and accepting myself too.