Something Weighing on Me

[rainydiary]

Something that is weighing on me is that I have not told anyone in my family that I am autistic.

I wish I had a family that I could talk to about that.  But telling them would be more harmful than helpful so I don't plan to say anything.

[Cascade]

Dear Rainydiary,
Thank you for sharing your autism here with us.  I feel honored to receive that personal information.

I have been no-contact with my family for about ten years.  I know the feeling of wanting to share yourself and the weight of it being best not to share.  It sounds like you do understand what's best.  The feeling of it, for me, was usually a profound sadness.  I'd rather accept and process that for myself than expose myself to the dangers of the alternative.

Just some questions to ponder that may or may not help you through this.  If you've been able to tell safe enough other people about how you experience autism, what has that felt like for you?  In other words, can you find or create a surrogate family for sharing that part of yourself?  Would you like to tell us on the forum more about it?  Oh yeah, you probably know there's the "Letters of Recovery" section, too, where you express things in a letter that will never actually be sent.

Hope the weight lifts soon,
   -Cascade

[Chart]

I wish I had a family that I could talk to about that.

I feel this deeply. When you know you're not going to get ANY understanding from the family... it deeply hurts. A hurt that hurts all over again... every time.

I think you are very brave to want to open up and discuss your autistic condition. I wonder as Cascade mentioned, why couldn't you "test" us on the forum... Maybe we could give you the ears and understanding that might help?

My relationship that ended last September was with a woman who was high-functioning autistic. She was however relatively in denial and also much ashamed. She was never diagnosed, but smart enough to figure it out. After that however she was pretty closeted. I only started really learning about autism after the relationship was over. Through a couple books and research I was profoundly illuminated about all sorts of dynamics and functioning that caused difficulties in the relationship. I'm still learning. Am willing to listen if and when you want as well.

[rainydiary]

Chart and Cascade, I appreciate your support and experiences.

I am very open with many folks that aren't family about being autistic.  I am fortunate that because of my profession (speech language therapist) I have access to a lot of helpful and supportive information.  For a long time I was self-diagnosed and eventually worked with a psychologist to get an official "diagnosis."  I honestly don't like the term diagnosis because being autistic describes how my brain works and isn't something that needs (or really can) to be changed.

Identifying that I am autistic has been life changing and supportive to me.  It is affirming and is giving me a chance to heal in ways I couldn't because my true needs weren't being supported.  I would say that not being identified younger contributed to CPTSD.

Something that is really helpful is that I can be a role model at work for autistic kids I work with.  This school year several parents thanked me for bringing in affirming language and approaches to work with their kids.

In August I will doing a 2 hour presentation at work about autism.  I asked to do it and am excited.  I am also worried some of my colleagues will not handle what I say very well.  I am fortunate to be working at a school where the principal is very supportive of me.

Yesterday I contacted a colleague that is wondering if they are autistic to see about forming a support group.  I don't know if they will respond but I hope to make more connections with folks in my area that are autistic.  I think that would be helpful in finding the "family" I am seeking. 

I recently started working with a therapist that is also autistic and it's helpful to have her support. 

Autism is genetic so I imagine some of the generational trauma being dealt with in my family is unidentified autism and neurodivergence. 

[Chart]

All that sounds great RD. I think you are doing EXACTLY what you need and is best for your needs of connecting.

And you inspire and encourage me too. In the past I started giving lectures about therapy and the concept of Polarity. I want to get back to that regarding Cptsd, raising awareness here in France. I also want to organize a support group in the largest nearby town.