JDog's Journal

[Jdog]

Perhaps this will be cathartic for me as it appears to be for others.  I have journaled privately in an app on my ipad in the past, but will give this a try as well.

Several years into my recovery, I am uncovering some very rich material to do with my self concepts and "voices" I carry in my head.  My Dad, the critic, has been dead since 1982 but until very recently I allowed his insecurities and attacks on me to dictate how I talk to myself.  I only very recently understood the full implications of this upon my daily life, as well as the somatic symptoms Inhave manifest since birth.  For me, psoriasis and digestive issues have been constantly with me.  Yesterday, I read online that the mind/body connection between mood and psoriasis is thought to be linked via depression.  So, instead of feeling depressed I have given myself inflamed and itchy skin lesions.  Yay.  Among other things, Dad was very depressed - I guess that is the gift that kept on giving. 

To fast forward to an issue that is on my plate right now, I learned yesterday that a work assignment that I have devoted much time to over the course of the last 12 months has been undermined by higher-ups.  More specifically, a course I have been teaching and was asked to substantially revise (and which was co-written by a colleague and vetted by an outside panel of consultants) has not even been offered to students who may have been interested in signing up to take the class.  It is not exactly a conspiracy (I hope) but more an unintended consequence of many small incompetencies and poor decisions on the part of administrators (who are all new to the school and fumbling in the dark on this issue).  Nevertheless, unintended consequences are still hurtful.  So, I am left with the feeling of being discounted and abandoned and pretty undervalued.

I have to choose my response carefully, as this is a work situation.  I told my colleague that if the idea is to backfill my class at the last minute with kids who are uninterested and unprepared for the course, I will not teach it.  How much is up to me is unclear at this moment.  What is clear, though, is that I must give positive messages to myself.  My anxiety and depression are already kicking up and Incant afford for them to infect my home life.  My life partner is quite fragile, both physically and emotionally, and it is key to not bring tons of stress into her life.  Fortunately, we have a long weekend away planned which begins tomorrow.  This also happens to be Morher's Day and the 3rd anniversary of my Mother's death.  It was her passing that brought me into awareness of my codependency and Cptsd issues. 
I depend a great deal upon emails with my therapist in order to remain on an even keel.  I only get to see her once in a great while due to the small number of psychologists in my healthcare system.  It's been a few months now but I do have an appt for next week.  I feel overly dependent. I feel ridiculous and small.  I miss my Mother, but not the box I have kept myself in these past 56 years.

It's interesting and difficult emerging from the sea of inaccurate and damaging messages I have accepted for so long.  Perhaps it is symbolic that the place I am going for the weekend is well known as a spot that Monarch butterflies return to each year during part of their life cycle.  Perhaps I am coming out of the cocoon myself. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Jdog
Thank u for sharing
I too am in a time of becoming aware of the poor self concept and critical voice in my head - waking up to it is alarming yet good - hopeful -

I am now seeing a therapist who specialises in child trauma and she is v good -
Healthy dependence not sue if it is truly classed as co dependence  as the compliance element is to do withy own growth -
I like her a lot it is very much adult t adult and I resect and need that at this point in my recovery
I've relied on therapists a lot of my adult life - and thank god for that -

I liked what u said about coming out of the cocoon - it's a good good feeling really sensing a place of newness and life

It's been a long road - would I want to do it again - * no !!
But then I don't have to
Grateful

[Jdog]

Boatsailrose-

Glad you are also in an "emergent" phase.  Finding some solid ground is a good, though scary, experience.

Best wishes as you continue your journey toward wholeness.

[Jdog]

This weekend marks the third anniversary of my Mother's death, and the first time I will have moved through this difficult time alcohol-free.  More feelings and different feelings are coming up than in the past.  I am spending the weekend at the ocean with my wife, and being as gentle as possible with both of us.  I am experiencing somatic stuff, some that I regularly experience and some brand new stuff.  I ran by the ocean this morning and will race tomorrow, so endorphins are pretty much my medication whilst running is my meditation.

I am a bit dizzy, off-balance.  I know this to be a sign of a mild EF and know that I am safe in the "now".  At least I have the pleasant surroundings, the ocean air, and some amount of healing behind me now.

  Mom, I miss you so much but am glad your body no longer is suffering the many ravages that strokes inflicted upon you.  I am moving forward, finding out who I really am and shedding the shame I carried for so long.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Good for you on being alcohol free
I am 5yrs sober - alcohol never makes things better in the long run

Best wishes and blessings to your mum and to you

[Jdog]

As I begin the day - feeling imperfect yet hopeful - I am reminded of the importance of staying atop life's waves by letting energy move through me rather than dragging me under the water.  I am lighter and safer than I sometimes imagine, and don't have to identify with each feeling or thoight that comes into my awareness.

[Jdog]

That's very nice of you to say, BH. The undertow got me briefly today but back to bobbing along now.  You also inspire me!

[Jdog]

I had a tough and triggering situation in my teaching career today when, out of the clear blue, 3 administrators, a cop, and a counselor showed up at my classroom door.  Apparently, a student had told her friend (also in the class) that her boyfriend said she should die.  She proceeded to take a lot of pills ( according to her friend anti nausea and anti diarrhea pills, but who knows?) and luckily the friend went to the main office and reported this.  Sadly, nobody informed me of the situation....and it was creepy.  I coteach this class with another person and he helped me evacuate the classroom - we have a vacant room next door, luckily.  So, the class did get to proceed but seeing paramedics haul the student out of my class on a stretcher is a memory I won't be able to forget. 

I am wishing the best for the girl.  She has had major mental stability problems in the past, and I just hope things get easier for her (and that she stops seeing the boyfriend who wants her to off herself).  Thanks for letting me get this off my chest - not the kind of thing I will discuss with my wife.

[Jdog]

BeHealthy-

I was able to contact my therapist by email, and she validated that the situation sounded bad and that I should use lots of self compassion as I would be triggered.  That, plus writing here, plus just being quiet last evening and not expecting myself to instantly pop into my cheerful self really helped.

Thanks much for the support.  It really helps!

[Jdog]

Took a tumble on my run today and had to call my wife to pick me up from the park where I had been running.  I'm going to be ok, but have to take most of the week off from my "salvation" which is running.  Also, I have difficulty being taken care of and she is doing such a good job.  Life lessons here include humility, self compassion, and letting go of outcomes.  In a not-so-humble move I sent pictures of my badly injured arm (an entire layer of skin was ripped off of right forearm) and torn up leg to my exercise partners so they would know why I'm not working out this week.  Of course, this is nothing compared to the fact that my wife face booked the gory pics.  Oh well.  I guess she and I both needed some support from friends. 

Lessons, lessons.  Never an end to them, it seems.  I guess that it is a good thing, as when we stop learning we are (at least functionally) dead.  Not ready for that yet!  I am 56, have the cardiovascular system of a 35 year old but the thin, easily torn skin of a 90 year old.  Nature has quite the sense of humor.  Time I picked up on it.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Repair well jdog 
Isn't humility a wonderful tool
Yes I love this learning path out of all past paths -
It's a true head to heart journey
Best wishes -

[Jdog]

Thanks for the well wishes, friends.  I rediscovered Pema Chodron's wonderful writings today - about Bodhichitta, the warrior's path.  Noble heart, unafraid to face life's surprises and hurts and loneliness.  Also, in my case, uafraid to allow others to help me.  I am much better at doing the helping than letting someone help me. 

Yes, there are lessons here.  I received the gift of the trust of a young man who was having a panic attack today.  Helping him calm down calmed me down as well.  His gift to me was a reminder that we are all in need of connection and that helps us be in the present moment.

[Jdog]

Sitting on my living room floor, having eaten fruit and listened to a Pema Chodron lecture and stretched a little and emailed my lovely therapist, I have a feeling of wonder.  It is the last day of school and I will see the groups of kids briefly ( 30 minutes per class) and file grades, and clean and straighten my belongings.  Endings are strange.  I feel that I have learned a lot about myself this school year, and am somewhat better at handling panic attacks and fears.  I am better at catching my inner critic when the "not good enough" tapes start rolling in my head.  I have received many gifts from students in the form of trust, vulnerability, and witnessing change in their intellectual and emotional capacities. 

I am still struggling with my recent injury which is keeping me from my running habit but will at least take a walk today.  This darned sore knee and arm which has had a complete layer of skin torn off is inconvenient.  Pema says these times are our teachers, and what choice do I have but to learn?

Here's to learning a lot on the last day of school.

[Jdog]

Thank you, BeHealthy.  As usual, your optimism and can-do attitude provide me with a much needed lift.  I am completely exhausted at the moment but could imagine doing something fun and creative in a few days.  Yes, the temporary sidelining is only a setback and my knee and arm will heal.  I finally took myself on a walk today, and that felt good.  Will do that again tomorrow, and maybe jog a bit Saturday.  I am going back to clear up clutter and file papers in the classroom tomorrow.  I did stop by the gym on the way to work to visit my best gym buddy, and that felt nice.  Part of the deal with working out is getting to see friends.  She is willing to have coffee tomorrow, if I can get up and out early enough.  The complicated part is that my wife has been putting fresh dressing on my arm, so if I can manage that on my own I can leave early.  Will see.

Thanks again for the good energy.

[Jdog]

I am congratulating myself on having moved through sadness that my teaching year is over (don't ask) into the phase of, "Yay, I made it!".  This was my 20th year in the classroom, and only the second one while actively recovering from cptsd and codependence.  This past year I was able to feel more free and open and could recover from EFs much more quickly than before.  As you may realize, being with adolescents in groups 6 hours a day is an environment rife with opportunities to be triggered by the drama of their everyday lives.  Some of them come from abusive backgrounds, some have problems with substance abuse, some attempt suicide.  Most kids are just confused and learning how to function in the "real world."  In any case, it is tough but very rewarding work.  And I made it one more time!