JDog's Journal

[Jdog]

Thanks, internet buddies.  I usually can distract myself by focusing upon life's other joys and sorrows but am being hit particularly hard by this one now.  And the interesting thing is that she wants to play racket ball with me this afternoon.  She is courageous and not willing to give in to setbacks, quite an admirable trait.

Your support, 3 Roses, Deep Blue, and BeHea1thy means more than I can say.  It really helps. 

[Jdog]

I am feeling better today.  The uncertainty about my wife's health remains but is not overshadowing all that is right with my world.  I was able to fix some problems with my classes today.  The problems occurred as a result of having a sub for half of yesterday and having students ride roughshod over her.  I stepped in today and provided a rewarding activity/lab for those who managed to complete the assignment while the rest had to sit and still finish yesterday's work.  I also made sure the classes knew how sad and disappointed I was that they were anything less than courteous to a guest in the classroom.  That all felt right.  I doubled checked with the successful students to make sure they felt special and recognized by getting to do the optional activity.  They said that they did feel that way.  I will be using the same activity with several of my other classes which did not cause problems (or did not have the sub since I actually taught the morning classes yesterday).

I spent an enjoyable hour in the school garden this afternoon, supervising the after school garden class as they did some weeding.  They got to eat some oranges that grow on a tree in the orchard.  It's good to see kids working and laughing outdoors.  I hope to take a few regular classes out tomorrow. That's a great deal more challenging. 

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog,
I am glad that you're feeling better today.    Sounds like you handled that situation in your classes admirably as well - 
I think it's great that your class were eating organs from the tree in the orchard - that is cool.  Hope you enjoy your regular classes and the trips out tomorrow.   Although you said it will be a great deal more challenging, I feel sure you'll manage it.   
Hope 

[Jdog]

Ah, shucks. Thanks, you two.  And the three classes that did gardening today pulled a prodigious amount of weeds.  I'm looking forward to planting some other veggies between our rows of nitrogen fixing Fava beans. And no, the kids haven't ever seen "Silence of the Lambs", so they don't have any weird ideas when fava beans come up in conversation......(Clarice...)

[Jdog]

Yes, y'all have been in a deep feeeze in much of the country.  We are expected to get some rain over the weekend, but nothing as scary as much of the U.S.  I was just reading that Chicago is calling itself "Chiberia" and "Chilaska."  I want the job of renaming places to match their weather.  How about "Caliburnia" or "Freezouri"? 

My wife had a CT scan yesterday and it appears that the pancreatitis is no more.  She still has some pain and is stressed at the moment over some flooring in our kitchen that a repairman is coming to replace today....long story.  But it's the stress that hurts her most.  I would know something about the physical effect as of stress.....

Ah, Friday.  At least there's that.  And there's a little recognition breakfast for high achieving and overall good-egg students (haha...probably serving eggs as well) this morning before school.  That's always a highlight of the year, as each of us staff members picks two kids to sit and eat with us and they all get certificates and pens and a scratch behind the ears from the administration.  Very sweet. 

[Three Roses]

I want the job of renaming places to match their weather.  How about "Caliburnia" or "Freezouri"? 

[Jdog]

The heavy rain and my own emotional weather woke me early this morning, and I was able to do body scans and work with mental imagery to be able to stay unde the covers for a couple of hours.  I had a realization about the long term effects of stress on my body which in turn lead me to thoughts about some rough patches I have been through over the course of 25 years.  I have shame and tend to turn away from myself rather than toward myself when I recalling ways in which I handled adversity in the past.  I was with a partner who turned away from me, and that lead me to betray her and myself in ways that seemed inevitable at the time.  Holding secrets and denying feelings left me very separate from my true self and it took years to heal from that trap. 

I did heal, and met someone new and began a life that was more authentic (though still very much out of touch with pain that predated my adult problems).  Within only two years time, I was plunged into another * when my Mother had first one stroke and then others.  I had daily worries about her, drove miles and miles to see her several times a month, had to endure the abuse of her narcissistic partner (who failed to properly care for her, resulting in a very unpleasant forced removal to a care home), and this lasted for 8 years.  She died seven years ago, and much of my grief has now dissipated.  But I have had to rediscover myself, the me who exists underneath pain and denial and constant efforts to prove my worth. 

So, I am not sure who I am becoming.  I suspect few of us do know that about ourselves as we transition into new stages of life.  One thing is for sure:  If I can release stress that I have carried for many years, I will find more joy and can more easily reinvent myself.  Looking back, I can have a sense of gratitude for having moved through so much pain and appreciate my grit and tenacity.  I did the best I could, and now I have knowledge to do differently. 

[Jdog]

I'm glad I'm not alone in having pain, revelations, and discoveries.  Growth is hard won. 

[Hope67]

One thing is for sure:  If I can release stress that I have carried for many years, I will find more joy and can more easily reinvent myself.  Looking back, I can have a sense of gratitude for having moved through so much pain and appreciate my grit and tenacity.  I did the best I could, and now I have knowledge to do differently.

Hi Jdog,

I find what you wrote here very inspiring - meaningful - and I just wanted to send you a hug     
Hope 

[Jdog]

Thanks, Hope - hugs are always appreciated!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog, I'd like to send you another one.   
Hope 

[Jdog]

That's fantastic, Hope - much appreciated.  I attended the memorial service of a friend over the weekend, and it brought my thoughts back to my own Mom.  Mom had many admirable qualities, which are the ones I like remembering.  Compassion, great sense of humor, intelligence - ualities that I think I possess as well.  But the thing that I recalled had to do with a darker side.  Mom chose a terrible partner years after my Dad died .  Truly a damaged, NPD man.  And the other thing was that she was in denial about her own health problems.  Her high blood pressure contributed to a series of strokes that ultimately left her incapacitated for 8 years before she died. 

All of her long term care policy money ran out, and she was destitute when she died.  There had been no provision made for funeral services.  And truly, since my wife and Mom's sisters and I had to take Mom away from her partner and into a care facility (social workers were about to charge him with elder abuse) and finally to take her to another town without his knowing where we went, we did not want to publicize her passing with a public service.  So sad.  And I have felt guilt over not having a proper service since she passed in 2012.  Fast forward to this past weekend.  I am now allowing myself to feel anger at my Mom.  And that can lead to acceptance and also to a way of forgiving her for putting herself and me in such a bad situation. 

So, a lot to process.

Thanks again for the hug, Hope.  And thanks to everyone for the support you so kindly offer me here.

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog, that is a lot to process, and hope you are ok.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

I am now allowing myself to feel anger at my Mom.  And that can lead to acceptance and also to a way of forgiving her for putting herself and me in such a bad situation.

Hard stuff. A safe to you if you want it.

[Jdog]

Thanks, Hope and TR.  I have been working at letting this information in a little at a time.  So far, so good.  I am on my way towards having a more realistic view of my Mom, which is best overall.  Nobody is all good or all bad, no matter how convenient it may be for me to think that of them. 

Thanks for the support.