JDog's Journal

[Hope67]

  to you Jdog.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Wow, that's a great therapist! Honestly wish my hmo would let their therapists do Skype or Messenger sessions...

Your lucky to have such an awesome therapist. 

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I think you deserve all the kindness your therapist gives you.  Much love sweetie

[Jdog]

Yes, my therapist is awesome!  And when I frustrate her she allows herself a human response and then hits the  reset button and rallies once more.  She represents a true resting place in life's storms.  And she is at least 20 years younger than me.  Fascinating.

Thanks for being happy with me, 3 Roses and Deep Blue. 

Tomorrow is the last day my students attend school for this year.  I have still more cleaning to do as well as printing my grade book which contains both grade history for all students along with a record of their assignments,  And to think we used to just have a thin record book with hand written entries at the end of the year.  We didn't have computers in the classroom when I started teaching.  Role was taken on individual forms and collected each class period.  And, of course, no kids addicted to the apps on their phones. 

I'm feeling gluttonous and a bit lethargic, as my eating has been somewhat out of kilter of late. Kind of depressed, too. It's been a * of a year.  Not much of anything solid to hang onto.  But I will find a way to rebalance.  Soon.  Not tonight, though.  But soon.

[Deep Blue]

Hey sweetie,
I have a friend that gets a massage after the school year each year.  She says it kind of helps her to cleanse it and loosen things up.  She said he allows those toxins to leave her body.

Congrats on the end of school honey. Hope you can take some tome to relax this summer and do something just for you. Looking back... you are right! With the strikes, and the difficult students, and your injury... I'd be surprised if you said that it wasn't a tough year. Love ya and I'm here if ya need anything 

[Jdog]

Hey a massage sounds fabulous.  Perhaps I will go for one soon. 

Thanks for your kind words and for paying attention to my year.  I'm so tired....still must drop by school tomorrow to complete the checkout process....

[Jdog]

Wow, I am doing so much processing of old trauma and am determined to not only understand how that has been an underlying motivation for my actions but also to learn better ways of self soothing so that I don't continue acting out of old pain.  It is a big challenge, but one whose time has come.  I am alternately exhausted and energized by the process.

[Deep Blue]

You are wonderful 

[Jdog]

Thanks, Blue.  As are you!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog,
Very inspiring that you are undertaking your processing.  I am also finding it an undulating process of different energy zones.   
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Jdog, your talk of reprocessing intrigues me. It's something I find myself doing, and over the years I have noticed some crumbling of the old edifices ... but ...I'm still not strong enough to get around some of it, then the anger rises, then I turn on myself, etc., ad infinitum.

So I always perk up when I find someone else willing to delve into whatever comes up. If anything, I've discovered that to be open to surprises and actual ... gulp ...change can nudge a couple of those long-locked doors ajar. And the best start is usually from within, so I hope you find yourself tired perhaps, but also wanting so much to feel that warmth and light emerging from what once was so dark.

I ran into a four-word description I liked recently and am trying to incorporate it into my sense of how I want to be; maybe it'll appeal to you as well. It says, simply: Tired Mind. Wild Heart. 

[Jdog]

Woodsgnome-

Tired Mind.  Wild Heart.

That pretty much says it all.  Thanks for being such a great fellow traveller.  This journey is not linear and is not for the weak of spirit.

May your strong spirit continue to guide you!

[MoonBeam]

Jdog, I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your posts and am inspired by the way in which you walk your path.

"Wow, I am doing so much processing of old trauma and am determined to not only understand how that has been an underlying motivation for my actions but also to learn better ways of self soothing so that I don't continue acting out of old pain.  It is a big challenge, but one whose time has come.  I am alternately exhausted and energized by the process."

This really spoke to me. I'm very much in the same place. Feeling for so long that things need to be different and now realizing that I need to start with me. Looking at things differently, ways I can facilitate change in my process, self soothe--with love and support from others, as that has made the difference for me. We're changing the old paradigms, alternately exhausting and invigorating. I do believe there is more, there is light out there and inside as well.

Thanks for such beautiful honesty, strength and for sharing your journey.

[Jdog]

Moonbeam-

It does sound like we are very much in the same spot.  The whole "I need to start with me" idea is jam packed full of emotion which comes tumbling out.  Inner child and inner critic vie for attention and one is hurting while the other is demanding to be right.  And sometimes, the whole process can dramatically turn and then reflect that inner and outer light to which you refer.  We say, "aha- there is a diamond in all of this mess after all....and it's part of me."

Thanks for the appreciation.  I like how you are walking your path as well!

[Jdog]

As summer break begins in earnest (first week didn't count because there was a great deal of "busyness" around the house and yard which needed doing), I sense how much I resist slowing down since that puts me into contact with my feelings more completely.  And I am working on maintaining my own path and healing journey while also being more aware of my partner's patterns and needs and the ways in which we interact. 

I am finding that gratitude and humility are daily needs for me, and they smooth out some of the rough edges of the past and present.  I am considering the dynamic between my inner and outer children and how they have had a not very productive set of patterns in the past.  It does little good to feel regret over that now, as it is all about doing the best I can given what I know.  What I know today is worlds beyond what I knew even several months ago.  I get to choose better ways now, and need only to thank my "selves" for doing their best to protect me in all circumstances. 

My heart is hurting over mistreatment of children at the U.S. border with Mexico.  We are treating them in a sub human fashion, and the scars they bear will last a lifetime.  Our society will have to deal with these hurt humans in ways we cannot imagine.  I am sad, embarrassed, and so angry. 

Back to my reading, and to just trying to be my best self.