Neurofeedback

[dollyvee]

The "irony" that Buddhism states that the root cause of suffering is attachment is not lost on me. For everyone else, they must let go of their attachment to things, and identity, it seems. However, with developmental, or preverbal trauma, we must let go of an attachment to something we never had, that core concept of love and safety from which to build our identity, and the one from which most people build their sense of secure attachment. For me, it's as if the experience of the "infinite possibility" comes with an infant's sense of terror/fear/annihilation that a baby experiences because it doesn't have any other reference for survival.

For me, I've had to do some of the work to build my self around the spiritual because I think it is that sense of attachment that was lacking. Hmm maybe that's not the right phrase, but understand that my self connects to something more than just my attachment wounds. I'm really careful about spiritual bypassing as well because I do think that's a thing. How does one recognize their infinite light and possibility when they are an "unwanted" child? I don't think my mother was prepared for me and/or essentially wanted me (I was told that I was a mistake, an "oops"). I also know that my gm wasn't prepared for, or probably wanted my m at 17. How do you reconcile being in the world and having a Self when you come from a line of people that didn't want/weren't prepared for their children and then used them to deal with the trauma they themselves had experienced/were experiencing? I think to put this in a fair context for ourselves, you have to look at "something else" to connect to, whatever that is.

That being said, I don't see Bon, or Dzogchen, as a religion per se with an firm idea about "God," though I guess that's in there as well, though maybe in a more pagan sense. To me, Dzogchen is a training of the mind to deal with the things that we were given, and a path to understanding of the nature of mind. I feel like that's the best I can do given the emotional chaos I grew up in. However, on some level I also have to deal with those emotions as well.
(I wanted to make a reference to something I read a few years ago in a book called, The Energetic Dimension, about Tenzin Wangyal's teachings and how she *said* it was difficult for patients with trauma to approach the exercises sometimes, but I can't find it. I don't think "training the mind" is easy or necessarily the "answer" to deal with developmental trauma either, it just seems to align with some things that came up for me).

I remember the Kiss of the Spider Woman poster!

[Chart]

Thanks DF. I don't think you're pushing your ideas. I feel you're sharing what you think. I also think the link between brain science and Buddhism is quite strong

Dollyvee, I appreciated immensely the observation that with DT (developmental trauma) we have to try to let go of something we never had. In Buddhism we are taught also to embrace the Void. Is there a deeper idea of letting go of even "the void". Can one let go of Nothing?

This makes me think of Peter Kraus's book, A Universe from Nothing, which I read a long time ago so can't remember much nor do I think I really understood it at the time.

Could letting go of Nothing, "create" Something?

[dollyvee]

Hmmmm....I think here's the rub I think though. There's a difference between nothing and infinite possibility. In Dzogchen we are returning to the nature of mind, which is infinite possibility. In the video on Overcoming Fear, Rinpoche talks about fear as being the experience of loss of identity without the idea/experience of infinite possibility, or experience of love (?). The void is not empty, it is infinite possibility, or the base from which all things come, good, bad, evil, angelic, whatever, and both -everything, and all- are within us. It is the source for potentiality.

[Cascade]

 ... what Dollyvee said!

I love this discussion!  Thank you all for your thoughts.  Where I am in my own journey, this makes me break it and down and apply it for myself, using the words I've been working with.

Shame:  I am nothing, I am no one, I have lost all identity.
Love:  Infinite possibility, nature of mind, nature of self, and the source of potential.



With compassion and love,
   -Cascade

[Desert Flower]

That's great Cascade!

[Chart]

Thanks Dollyvee, thanks Cascade, yeah absolutely, I'm getting a ton out of this as well.

Here's some more:
Polyvagal Theory and Coherence cardiaque
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dGJkzyKHKUE
There's an app too!
So the idea is to calm the central nervous system.
It seems to be working for me. I've been doing it for about a week, 3 times per day... usually.
Kinda like Tapping, but actually deeper relaxation feelings. Not just "imagination work".
Just did it three times in a row. Reduced Fear 50%.
This is one of my T's prerequisites for the Neurofeedback that starts in August.

[dollyvee]

I like your comparison Cascade and is really thought-provoking because I want to look at how these concepts come up in me and how they relate to what he's saying, or what I have learned about Dzogchen. I feel like when things come up, he says to accept them as they are, that they come from the same place. For example, if there is something that bothers you, you are to look at it as if it is just a dream (from the Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep). However, how do we do this if it is perhaps a preverbal part of our brain that expereinces these things are still the age when they were when these things happened and the cognitive parts of our brains hadn't been developed?

That's great Chart. I'm glad you found something that works for your anxiety and is helping. I had a look but wasn't in a place where I could do the exercises, so would like to try it when I get another chance.

I realize in going back over what I wrote about nothingness and emptiness that I might have been projecting onto what I thought you were trying to say Chart. I understood your ideas of emptiness as perhaps coming from a feeling of aloneness. Going back over the Tibetan Dream Yoga book, I also think that I wasn't correct in saying the void wasn't empty because he describes it as empty, but I think it's the way that we might experience that emptiness that's coloured by trauma ie as fear/love, which is where I read into what you were saying.

I hope things go well with the neurofeedback t in August and you're able to find some calm space for yourself.

[Chart]

Started Neurofeedback today. I'm exhausted... it kicked my "derrière". I'm beyond tired. Tons of breathing and relaxation and then "brain training": Targeted "good" (low) beta and (high) alpha. This is active concentration and rest at the same time. Beta was visual and theta was music. It's all Pavlov's dog... if your brain is in the right wavelength, the roller coster advances and the music doesn't cut. But if you're not in the targeted wavelengths, the music or image stops. It happens fast. You try to "figure it out". The brain searches. This repeats and we discussed "strategies" each time through. Very interesting. After we discussed lots of other stuff, classic therapy. Today's session was four hours!!! Future sessions will be less. Still tons churning in my brain. Immediately post-session I felt AWFUL. Depressed, sad, hopeless. I'm a bit better now. Had lunch and a coffee.

So now a semi-practical summary of what Neurofeedback is:
Computer images (can be sounds too) linked to a wave-capter on the head. If your brain is in the targeted wavelength or "state", the image is fluid, if not it stops. Very naturally you want the image to progress smoothly, so you "adapt" your "thinking" to accommodate this process. However it's not really "thinking". It's literally a brain state. This part is pretty weird and nearly impossible to describe. I did get better over the six run-throughs. This is gonna sound totally bizarre, but my best scores for concentration were when I brought up and stayed with specific memories of making love to a woman I had a short relationship with in New York. I discussed this with T and she confirmed that sexual energy helps concentration immensely.

So my personal summary: weird as heck. Still lost and unsure. But can't give up now. I'm having a growing suspicion my Trauma was truly horrible for the stage of development I was at when it occurred. I guess I'm trying to give myself some slack for being so messed up. Will try to keep posting here my experience with this. It's REALLY complicated for my brain to get. Struggling in the trauma-swamp of limited comprehension...

[Cascade]

WOW Chart.  This is amazing stuff.  Congratulations!


Be most gentle and kind with yourself today.  Soothe yourself as much as you are parenting, if at all possible.  Allow yourself time to moderate back to center a little bit.  Sending support, love, and hugs! 

Thanks for the chuckles you included, too.  Beyond knowing you're okay because you can make those little jokes, I'll let them lie. 
  -Cascade

[dollyvee]

Hi Chart,

I'll second Cascade and say, well done 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Desert Flower]

Wow Chart, that sounds absolutely incredible! Very well done. 

[Chart]

Thanks everybody! Back at it tomorrow!
 

[Chart]

NeuroFeedback therapy is continuing. My previous detailed entry contained a few errors which I've corrected. As mentioned the computer training is coupled with regular Somatic work. I think this is an absolutely critical element. It's slowly  coming to me just how important Body-work is to my therapeutic process. NeuroFeedback without Somatic work would be like only doing maintenance on your car's moteur. The tires, the suspension, changing a burnt-out bulb, you ignore. The car's obviously not going to perform correctly, might even become dangerous, and definitely won't pass inspection. Imperfect analogy maybe, but just to say that with my T I am doing the following:
Guillarme Method (sorry, this is only in French)
https://www.methode-guillarme.com/
(This is perhaps the most impactful as it centers around the stomach, intestins, diaphragm and perineum. I should mention I have an inguinal hernia and so I am following all these movements with an extra awareness of what's happening in that area as well. For the moment I've had zero problems.)

Jacobson stress and release relaxation
https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-jacobson-relaxation-technique

The Moro movement
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GoXgd7lbb0

Cardiac Coherence
Explanation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6u0JjjikmT0
Tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqwCr1qISd4

All of these techniques are very Euro-centric. I had trouble finding information about these techniques in English.

So the NeuroFeedback itself is very slowly becoming a little clearer for me. There are many things to possibly focus on, but in my case my T has targeted two areas that we actually do at the same time. I should probably give an overall explanation, but am way too tired right now and have to get to bed. What I need to get across is that NeuroFeedback deals with the brainwaves that are all associated with different functioning of the brain. These are "seen" because they are all different Hertz waves. So if the capter picks up waves of 0-3 hz you're problably mindwandering, healing from an injury, or asleep (or maybe all three)

Along with these different waves and their associated activities, we can make links to different parts and regions of the brain. And this too is important, especially when coordinating a targeted approach to "healing" a specific (mal)functioning of the brain.

In my case I have "too much" high Alpha, and "not enough" low Beta. (This was registered in my first session where we did a full scan.) And this means that I am present but I have big problems getting moving, I'm anesthetized, numb... typical Trauma symptoms. I think my patterns are typical, though not exclusive as Trauma does vary greatly depending on the individual characteristics of the person. I also have real trouble activating my own concentration, especially on tasks. As mentioned in our Zoom meeting last night, I can do anything for anyone, so long as its not for myself. Motivating myself is nearly impossible, and in the past I have used mainly alcohol and caffeine to get anything done that wasn't related to anyone else. Simply put, I don't do the things for myself that are good for me. And as a sidenote, I've heard that mentioned on the Forum often by other Trauma survivors.

So the computer sessions I am doing are "pushing" my brain to reduce Alpha and increase low Beta...
(Low Beta is also known as SMR - sensory motor rhythm http://neurofeedbackstudio.com/2014/03/23/what-is-smr-and-how-does-it-make-you-relax/).

...This is done through a series of videos that you watch, and the scene advances smoothly if your brain is in the target zones. Same for the music. When your brain slips out of the targeted frequencies, the images and music cut. At the end of each video there are numbers and percentages and you can see if you went up or down, etc. Progress will also be clearly recorded over the weeks and weeks of training. At last I will have my chart, a piece of paper documenting whether or not I really am improving or not. Self-trust is also something I'm working on, but I'm not there yet. For now I profoundly appreciate the numbers I'm seeing as it validates what I have always not understood at all... namely, why I am the way I am.

Take any therapy process you want. I think it is all about rewriting and relearning what we never got in our childhoods. Okay, now I'm really rambling.

Absolutely gorgeous sunset tonight. I'm thinking of you all. I love you all. I wish us all peace and release from the terror enforced on us.

-Chart

[Chart]

There's more stuff that has been posted on YouTube about Neurofeedback (and the brain and trauma). This is very interesting. I especially like what Van der Kolk says around minute 8...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQT9v02N2vk