Just a whole day stressed out over 'nothing'

[Desert Flower]

I would like to write about my day today. Just another day. Started out a bit groggy. And then my bike broke down on the way to work, my subway was late and way too full. That made me late for work, rushed from one meeting to the next. No big things happening apparently, or so it would seem. No big triggers. But this is enough to make me stressed all day long. We have 'flex desk policy' at work, so me being late ended me up in one of the worst places, with my back to the door. A collegue asked if I would mind if he were to do a long phone call in the room, I said yes I would (very well done little me) and then I felt guilty about it. Developed a little headache during the day. Tinnitus worsening during the day. Happened to get my period and didn't have any sanitary towels with me, had to get out into the city to get some, stressful walking down the busy streets. I did do my midday meditation in the silent room at work (it's great we have that) and that eased it off a little bit. And then in the afternoon I stayed at work later than usual because we were gonna go for drinks after. All the while, all the time just feeling stressed. As if I was in danger, on guard, who knows what could happen, it felt. Sitting with my collegues for drinks, socialising, making jokes, I seem to be there, but I'm actually not, have no idea what I'm feeling or where my body is. Back into the subway, way to crowded again. Managed to do some breathing exercises anyway (yay). But was afraid to move to put my sunglasses on. Also, I was hot, but was afraid to move to take my jacket off. Did manage to eat something to prevent me from falling over, while being afraid people might take offence of the smell of my food. Got off the metro, finally dared put my sunglasses on, eased the headache a little bit. Walking back home with my bike in hand, afraid of two teenage boys coming my way, will they harass me? They didn't, after they passed me I wanted to look back to see if they were gone already, but was afraid to. And finally, walking home through some nice half shady woodlands, I started to relax a little bit. Back home, was still too stressed out to make dinner. Waited for my husband to do it, although waiting increased my anxiety too. And all day, being aware of my anxiety not going away. Sigh.

So what is this, "high-functioning C-PTSD"? Anyone recognize this? How to deal with this?

[AphoticAtramentous]

I unfortunately don't have any advice, but wanted to say that I hear you and relate to a lot of what you've expressed. It's a tiring constant alertness, the inability to enjoy the moment. Sorry you dealt with all that today. A hug if you're comfortable with that:

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you, Aphotic, even if you don't have any tips, just being able to share and be heard is very helpful. Thank you for the hug too, here's one back 

[rainydiary]

That sounds like such a hard day.

I have days like that where something unexpected or off routine happens and it throws the day off even if I "manage" and it isn't a "big deal."

Something about a day like that can feel threatening and make me feel unsafe.

I try to "break" the cycle of thoughts if I can.  There are days where it absolutely does not work.

Things I try to do which sometimes help and sometimes not:

Over time I have made a list of things that generally make me feel good.  I try to do those things as much as I can so that my nervous system feels at least as neutral as possible.

I try to reach out to a safe person just for connection.

I try to get outside even just to see the sky.

I try to talk to myself and say nice things to myself. 

If none of these things work, I try to take care of myself once I get home or over the next several days.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Rainydiary, those are very helpful tips. I will try to remember to try them next time I feel this way.
I like the looking at the sky bit. And you know, in places like these, I just don't even think about the possibility of  reaching out to someone safe, while this might actually be a viable option. Again, I'll try to try it next time.

[Kizzie]

Just my thoughts here of course but it doesn't sound like nothing, it sounds a bit like a "death by a thousand cuts" kind of thing where every "little" thing adds up to one big sense of overwhelm. Those days are hard no doubt about it and when I have them I try to let things calm down by watching something good on TV (we download shows and keep a few on hand for days just like yours), or I crawl into bed, read a book or look at my iPad and fall asleep early.

I guess what matters is what relaxes you - a walk, a bath, ordering in supper for a treat, talking to a trusted friend  on the phone, whatever. 

Be good to yourself 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Kizzie, that's helpful too. I'm not at all used to being good to myself. I'll need to practice. I usually just tell myself to stop being such a wuss and grid my theeth.

[Kizzie]

No, definitely not a wuss.  You're a human being who had a bad day and on top of that you have CPTSD so it's a double whammy.  This is a chnce though to start being kind and compassionate with yourself, something we talk a lot about here because few if any of us learned how to be that way with ourselves.

  Hope a hug is OK.

[Desert Flower]

 

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds like a totally rubbish day. I find it is very hard to pull back once the stress sets in, so when it starts first thing it's extra bad. Anyone would feel stressy over a broken bike and being late for work. Especially when being late for work then means you have to use a sub-optimal work station. I think you did ever so well to tell the colleague you objected to the phone call. Well done!

I don't have any particular tips, but I am glad you have the quiet room. It makes sense to use that if you need to. Maybe even if you don't think you do. There might be a time when something a tiny bit annoying happens on the way to work. Not enough to set off the stress, but it's an annoyance "in the bank" as it were, and might be worth offsetting it by using the quiet room, so if you get another stressor you are already calmer.

[sanmagic7]

Just my thoughts here of course but it doesn't sound like nothing, it sounds a bit like a "death by a thousand cuts" kind of thing where every "little" thing adds up to one big sense of overwhelm.

this was my first thought - this was a whole lot of somethings going on rather than nothing.  i've had this happen numerous times, and it sucks.  one little thing after another - yep, they really do build up.

i hope you can be easy with yourself as best you can.  i see no 'wuss' here, but someone struggling to maintain themselves while under a barrage of crapola - and your emoji said all that for me 

love and hugs

[Kizzie]

 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you all. It's interesting what's happening here. I started this post as a sort of rant, not feeling truly entitled to these feelings, I now realise. I really did think I was just whining and many of you on this forum would think so too. And it is now touching something important, I see. It's not 'nothing'. And it's good I brought it up, it gives me a chance to reflect on how I actually view myself (the 'wuss'-part).

I've been looking into this 'high-functioning anxiety' because I'd been wondering whether I'm not just making a big deal out of 'nothing', taking up too much of everybody's attention. Because on the outside, not so much seems to be wrong with me. But on the inside, it's a totally different story. And that seems to be the story for 'high functioning whatever'.
But at the same time, these days I've been getting really annoyed with ('regular') people who, when I finally - after all these years - start talking about what's really going on with(in) me, many 'healthy' people react in ways like: "Yeah, we all feel that way sometimes, we're all so sentitive and we're all so busy." But NO people, this is not the way everybody feels, this is something else in fact, this is something disfunctional that we ended up with, without this being our fault, because of things happening to us that shouldn't have (abuse, abandonment, etc.- these certainly did not happen to everybody) and things not being there that should have been (care, love, recognition, support etc.). I object to people telling me they feel the same way, because I'm positive they do not. And I decided I'm not like everybody else, there really is 'something' really wrong here. Seeing this more clearly makes me feel better, makes me feel not so crazy.

(One clue that tells me they're not feeling the same way, is that they LIKE talking about their feelings and their personal development, it's like they're showcasing. They like telling ME about it, whenever I try to start talking about me. And they make me feel small again and not being able to tell my whole story, because it is too much apparently. Whereas I do not like talking about the real me, it's hard and painful and I only do it because I feel I can no longer avoid it.  )

[sanmagic7]

DF, i think it's really good you brought it up.  i can't tell you how many times i've written on the forum and talked about (or apologized for) 'whining'.  we really do have good reason for what we're feeling and how we're feeling it.  as you said, it's an 'inside job' - we look pretty 'normal' to the world, but inside is a whole 'nother story.

and, no, unless someone has experienced trauma of whatever kind, there is no way they'll know how it is for you, walking around, doing your job, taking care of business.  thank you for writing this - it's a good reminder to me how what i feel/think/etc. is not about 'whining'.  it's real, it's painful, and it doesn't happen for no reason.  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

I can honestly say that I've been here 10 years and I've never felt anyone was whining. The pain and grief and sadness are real and we are all in need of comfort, validation and support.