On Shaky Ground

Started by Butterfly, August 26, 2014, 07:01:35 PM

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Butterfly

Honestly I'm not sure if I belong here. I don't have many of the CPTSD typical symptoms although through the years I've had some of them. My uPD mum is engulfing to the point of suffocation. Her mirroring and projecting leave me feeling like a shell of a person. Having my own life is a struggle as it's constantly intruded upon. Some nights are filled with nightmares including waking unable to breathe. Her PA tantrums are someone thing I've learned through OOTF to stand up against but I'm left feeling anxious.

To look at me in RL I'm a strong and together person and most times I feel fine. Some days not so much. This week has been especially bad.

Currently I'm LC MC and have set Boundaries defining when and how often I have contact and when I will exit a conversation or in person encounter.

Due to a change of schedule past month most days NC with uPD mum and enF except occasional email or text which I answer when I please. As I anticipate resuming my normal schedule in Sept I find myself having full blown anxiety attacks, my skin is crawling with twitches.

Logic tells me I can stand up to her without a problem, she backs off and lately even enF seems to have my back somewhat so why so anxious? 

Please don't suggest NC - it's not an option right now. My dad and sibling are a precious part of my life and it's a package deal. Can't have one without the other and honestly there's some days mum can actually be fun. But that can change without warning any moment in the middle of having a nice lunch.

So I'm here to learn and explore

Kizzie

Hi Butterfly and welcome to OOTS. 

Your post really speaks to the whole reason for starting this site - that is, when we come out of the FOG why do some of us still feel shakey, anxious, depressed and so on?  OOTF took me a long way down the road to recovery, but not quite all the way.  I knew there was more I needed to explore and work on in order to recover.

Knowing I have CPTSD helps me to understand the rest of my journey.  Even though like you I have put boundaries in place with my family of origin, I find I can still be triggered by them (and often anyone who is "PDish"), into what Pete Walker* refers to as emotional flashbacks (EF).  These flashbacks differ from those  experienced in PTSD in that they are not visual, rather they involve overwhelming feeling states (anxiety, grief, anger, shame), that well up out of the past from that part of our psyche that has not yet dealt with the trauma we experienced and it is at the core of our CPTSD.

I'm sorry your week has been a bad one - it sounds like you have been triggered because you know what's coming when you resume your normal schedule and presumably will be more in contact with your M.  After reading Walker's book I see my EFs and panic attacks as my younger self telling me I need to do something about the past trauma.  I am normally a strong, independent person too and yet when a EF hits, boom I feel very shakey and just want to get somewhere I can be alone so no-one see's what's happening. I am hopeful that as I continue to deal with my childhood trauma the EFs will lessen in both intensity and frequency, and so far that has been the case.  My M who is ground zero for my CPTSD came for a visit in Jun (we moved across the country so we didn't have to deal with the daily drama and chaos that is her Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and did really well.  She is 85 and if she were to pass away tomorrow I would feel like we had a good last visit in which I did not (for the first time ever) have an EF.

Glad you made your way here and you if you have time you may want to have a look at Walker's site and see if you relate to his description of CPTSD and emotional flashbacks

*Pete Walker (2013).  CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - a Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma - http://www.pete-walker.com/

Butterfly

Thank you Kizzie, will check that link in more detail. I can't tell you how much the support both on OOTF and here on OOTS means to me. Life altering to out it lightly. Right now I feel like quite the broken butterfly and I've cocooned myself for the rest of the week to heal.

Kizzie