Introducing Myself

[wileycat66]

I am 57 and am just now getting serious about healing. I didn't know I had CPTSD until about four years ago. I've been in the role of "identified patient" and scapegoat all my life and have been suffering with toxic shame for a long time.

My parents are still alive and I currently live with hidden disabilities and my mother (bad idea), which has highlighted a great need in my life for self-validation and healing, though I still am beset by worries that I am mostly tormenting myself with my own past, etc.

I was severely scapegoated about six years ago by my step-mother during a family medical crisis. That is still causing me flashbacks. The more I see how I have always been the mostly ignored "outcast" in my father's second family, who doesn't quite deserve being genuinely cared about, the more I want to detach myself from them. I'm finally feeling righteous anger by now, too.

I'm basically trying to navigate healing as these situations are complicated and I think I can only go low contact at this point.

[Chart]

Welcome wileycat66. Sadly your story sounds familiar. But glad you're here for the positive elements the Forum provides.

[wileycat66]

Thank you, Chart. It sounds like you can relate. I'm sorry. This stuff really happened, I remind myself. It's all so bizarre on some level. 

[Chart]

wileycat66, I'm just a couple years younger than you. Discovered Cptsd about a year ago. It's a maddening ride ever since. But now I know the truth, finally. Hard as it is I'm glad I'm in touch with reality... finally. I believe that true healing can only come from Truth. So for that I am glad. I know too many folks who still are stumbling around in the dark.

[Kizzie]

I'm finally feeling righteous anger by now, too.

Here is likely the only place someone will tell you "That's awesome!"  But, we do need to get angry to help ourselves and I'll bet your flashbacks will diminish after you let some of that come to the surface.

We talk about "clean anger" here which isn't about getting revenge or hurting the person who hurt you, but about that self-protective instinct we all have but has been pushed way down in us come alive again. Here's one link, but there are many more you can have a look at if you Google it.  https://theawarenesscentre.com/anger-issues/#:~:text=Clean%20anger%20means%20finding%20responsible,those%20feelings%20to%20take%20control.

Clean anger means finding responsible and appropriate ways to express the anger you feel. It doesn't mean that you are not feeling angry; rather, that you are behaving reasonably, rationally, and safely, and not allowing those feelings to take control.

[Beijaflor57]

Welcome, wileycat.    I've been in the identified patient/scapegoat role most of my life so, sadly, I can relate. I finally went low-contact with my family last year. Made a huge difference, and I hope you're able to do the same.

This forum is a safe place, and I hope you find the healing you're looking for.

[Papa Coco]

Wileycat

Welcome to the forum. I remember being scapegoated when my mother was dying. I was able to go full No Contact shortly after her death when my elder siblings and dad all started a storm of lies to put all the blame for their sins onto me. I have great empathy for what you are going through. I know that I was lucky that I could go Full No Contact and that Low Contact is often the only option for others. I'm glad you are able to go Low Contact. Keeping a family like that out of our heads is difficult.

I hope the forum provides a safe place for you to express how you feel. There's a lot of love on this forum.