This is where I draw the line apparently

[Desert Flower]

I wrote another post about me taking along my mother for our family holiday.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16165.0

I'm hanging in there, still mostly playing the model child. But today something happened that hurt me so deeply, I actually did draw the line. I know I will not let her step over every boundary. I know what I'm feeling, and what's happening. I am aware. And angry.

There's something I need to explain before I go on. I have lots of tattoos. And they're not for decoration, and I don't have them because I like the pain (I don't) and they're not for other people. They are for me. They are a way to claim back autonomy over my body. It's my body and I do what I like with it. And they have been a way to deal with the trauma. A place to put my feelings when I didn't know where to put them, literally. So they're important to me. They're very close to the core of me. And I really don't even want other people to see them. But of course, my m hates them.

- trigger warning maybe -
So today, while I was really trying to give her a nice holiday, totally out of the blue, she says: Why on earth did you put those horrible monsters on your leg? And I said: I will not answer that. (Because it did not feel like an honest question at all.) And then she went on and asked: Oh, is it that horrible? And I said: I do not want to talk about it, not like this.

So this is apparently where I draw the line. I applaud little me. I will not let her humiliate me like this. This is mine to keep.

And in a way, I'm happy she did it, because I was almost starting to think we could have a 'normal' relationship LOL

Thank you all for being here on this forum, it's helping me out tremendously to be able to share this. 

[Blueberry]

Good on you for drawing a line, setting a boundary, protecting Little you!    

In my experience, once you start doing that it gets mostly a little easier each time.

[Papa Coco]

Desert Flower,

I just want to send you a big, safe, hug. 

I cheered when I read that you refused to engage with your mom on the topic of your tattoos. I don't agree with her at all. I see it as it's YOUR body. Your tattoos. None of HER business!!!! She was just looking for a fight, and you didn't give her one. If she doesn't like your tattoos, she can find someone else to take her on vacations next time. Parents who criticize their own children are something I simply can't understand. I love my children. Beneath their tattoos and piercings, they are still my children, and I love them now just like I always have. I can't grasp why people would choose to do anything but support their children.

And, I really, truly appreciate what you said about why you get the tattoos and what they mean to you. It was beautiful what you wrote. The fact that they give you back a sense of control over your own body is something I'd never considered, but it makes perfect sense. You've educated me today. I've never heard it put that way before, and I think it's beautiful.

Another hug just for good measure: 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Papa Coco, that put a smile on my face.
And thank you too Blueberry for cheering.

  

[NarcKiddo]

Your post was really interesting to read. Thank you for sharing your reasons for having tattoos. And very, very well done for setting and sticking to your boundary. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

It's wonderful to hear you stood up for your own autonomy Desert Flower. You are completely right, it's your body, your identity, it hurts nobody else. I only have the one tattoo but I too got it despite my FOO's negative opinions on tattoos. It's not even a good tattoo, it's very simple, and very faded at this point - but you're right, it's a symbol of autonomy. It's a daily reminder, for whenever we perceive ourselves, we know we're in control now. And I would honestly love to get more tattoos but... money. Hmm..
Thanks for sharing your little story here.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse]

Desert Flower,
I had the shivers reading, what your mum said to you.
Congragulations for reacting with that clear message, protecting yourself and your tattoos, and that this spontaniously in this direct confrontation! 
I know all to well, that standing up for ourselves, setting boundaries can feel so soooo hard for us or impossible. But you did it! You just did.

A seriously ment:
      to you