How to feel about losing my dad?

[Desert Flower]

There's something I would like to share. I posted some stuff already about some of my traumas. To me, they are three-fold, it's first: my mom's emotional neglect and abandonment, second: me being sexually abused (by someone else) and third: I'll talk about that here. (And then there's some repetition of these things later on in life, re-traumatizing stuff but I'll leave that for now).

So, the third thing was, my dad died very suddenly when I was eight years old. He had lung cancer it turned out later on and it was over in two weeks. We (my mother, my brother and me) had no idea what was going on. He was just gone all of a sudden. And in a healthy family, that would have been devastating too, but it might have been something people would be able to process somehow. But as it was, nothing got processed at all. There was just never one word spoken on the topic at all. He was just gone and that was it. There was now the three of us and that was it. My brother and I knew that our mom was very sad and we should be super perfect not to make her feel worse. We never asked for anything. (I talked about some of that elsewhere on this forum.) And we were never even once asked how we felt about our dad being gone. (This was 1980.) And that was it. I don't know what else to say about it. And to this day, when I write this, I feel nothing. I haven't the slightest clue how to feel.

I would appreciate if any of you would share your reflections or feelings on this, to maybe help me get unstuck here. Thank you.

[Desert Flower]

There's something I really need to add, I forgot! That is, for years after my dad was gone, I don't think I really believed he was really gone or understood what that meant. I used to have these fantasies as a kid, stories about him that I'd made up, that he was a secret agent and that he needed to go undercover and after he would come back. Or that he was really really sick and he had to go to some healing place and after that he would come back ...

It wasn't until I was fourteen and my mom got a new partner (lots of terrible things happening with that but I'll leave that too for now), that it dawned on me that my dad might really be gone for good.

[Chart]

DF, reading your story I have suddenly realized that I experienced much the same thing with my biological father. My mother left him when I was four. I think I saw him only once after that. He was just gone, disappeared. Of course he was weekly beating the crap out of my mother and my older sister, so in a sense his absence was suddenly positive. Only I can't remember any explanation from anyone. But as well I was only four and so probably don't remember. But yeah, one day to the next, just gone. Then began the "don't grow up to be like your dad" indoctrination, but that's another story... one trauma following on the heels of another...
To respond to your question, I too felt nothing, then or even now. I tracked him down my biological father when I was 23 (or 25?). I visited him for a day. What I distinctly remember feeling was nothing. I don't know if this absence of emotion is linked to anything else. I've worked on so much in therapy throughout my life, but that absence of emotion has never come up. So, I guess, all I can say is that I'm in a similar paradigm of "non-feeling" at the disappearance of my father. That's, of course, not to say that this is the typical reaction. I honestly have no idea. What I do know is that the disappearance of a parent for any child, regardless whether or not the parent was abusive, this disappearance is traumatic. But now, at this stage in my life, the trauma of my childhood is nothing new. Don't know if that helps, but that's my (similar?) story.

[Desert Flower]

Well, that's remarkable Chart, that you have such a similar experience of feeling nothing. Thank you for reflecting with me. I'm still not sure what to think about it.

I would like to add though, just to do him just, that my dad was a "good person", (if maybe a bit distant, I don't remember, but it seems he did not manage to fill the gap my mother left either) but that's my image of him anyway. So it seems I should maybe have the feeling of missing something, but I'm not sure what.

[Little2Nothing]

I fully relate to all of this. My dad died of pneumonia while I was in the orphanage. No one told me he jad passed. 

One day my M off-handedly said he was dead. That was it. I never got to go to his funeral and no one ever talked about it again. 

I never greived and don't remember crying. I was 8 or 9 years old. 

[Desert Flower]

That is just remarkable L2N. I never thought anyone could have such similar experiences. But it turns out we do. I wonder maybe if it's normal for 8 year olds to (non-)react like that. I don't know. Maybe I'll look into it some more. Or maybe I'll just let it go. Got enough conscious memories of stuff I've got to work with so  .

[Chart]

I remember reading somewhere that there are two scenarios for kids who lose parents at a young age. One is that the parent remains a mystery, no one speaks of them and the child neither knew them nor can form an image of who they were. This can be highly traumatic for the child.

The other scenario involves regularly interacting with the child about who their mother or father was. Showing pictures, explaining "why they're gone" in an age-appropriate way. This can continue throughout development. Apparently, with positive information about the parent the child can create an identity of that absent person. And especially if they are told that their mother or father loved them, they can "create" a parent in their minds. And this imaginary parent, with all the positive information and knowledge that they were loving, creates a very real psychic foundation of support for the child. The child comes to understand that their absence was accidental and in no way related to the child. This imaginary parent then stays with them throughout their life and nourishes a healthy image of self.

I had a friend in college who lost his father young. His mother always talked about his father in a positive manner and my friend was very healthily attached.

My biological father was a very tortured person. But I suggest that with some research and imagination L2N, DF, you could explore the the life of your fathers and probably come to a decision that they were good and most certainly loved you. This information could help in your healing process.

Just a thought.
 

[dollyvee]

Hi DF,

I'm sorry that happened to you. I can share in some of your experiences about loss because I think that's what it is and shock perhaps to a certain degree. As a child growing up in a neglected household, these things aren't defined for you. There is no healthy emotional role model, so I imagine when things like these get come up, they get buried (disassociated?) because they don't fit the image of who we're "supposed" to be. So, they're split and become a part of the "shadow" self (?) I would say.

I lost my dad to suicide when I was 14. So, it was one day he's there (and even though things were bad in their own way, it was a respite from my mother) and the next he's not. However, I think because I was older, I had more space to process the emotions as my own and they weren't necessarily split as much. That being said, no one, and definitely not my mother, were able to have open and honest emotional conversations with me about it. I think my gm was happy that I was back living with her as an extension of her, but there wasn't an emotional outlet. When I would bring things up with people outside the family, I had to deal with, and manage their reactions to suicide. So, even if I was aware and not split from the emotions, it  was also difficult to process. I think when these things happen to you much younger (or even five years), it's a different emotional experience.

I remember after my dad died, and I was living with my gps, there was a sense of safety and that I was "indebted" to them for taking me in. Perhaps this came from when I was younger as well, but I remember a sense of being aware that I'm on my own here. So, again, I think when you're young safety is probably very much a factor in allowing those emotions to come through IMO. I also remember t's wanting to focus on the shock of my dad's death, and for me to go into it, or how it made me feel, and I was like no, this is something that happened, we need to be looking at the other stuff. So, I hope you find a way to approach your dad's passing in a way that feels right for you.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Desert Flower]

Chart, thank you, that might indeed be a helpful way to look at it. To think of my dad as a kind of loving presence in my life, even if he's not with me physically anymore. I could try to connect with that. Even if the processing wasn't there at the time, to find it in the present time.

And Dolly, thank you too. I'm sorry to hear how you lost your dad, that's terribly difficult.
You're right, there was no healthy role model. In fact, when I see how my husband's family is currently dealing with the loss of their parents over the course of a few years, holding ceremonies for them and such, it's is often very annoying to me and I tend to think: "What nonsense!" But I think this is my mother's opinion I internalised really. Because another parts of me think these family moments are beautiful and it just hurts me too much that I never had those.
I do remember feeling I was on my own. But I've felt like that all my life I think, also before my dad died probably.
I do not know much about dissociation or how that works (or it may turn out that I do know very well after all ...), the 'split'. I'll look into that maybe. (It sounds scary though.)

I just wanted to share the dreams I had last night. The first was of me helping, comforting a child who needed help, who had lost something or someone maybe. I gave the child my daughter's favorite teddy bear (he's called 'Little Ice Bear' and we both like him very much) for comfort. It felt like nice dream. And then next, I dreamt that I was going somewhere and I needed to take a whole lot of stuff with me, too much stuff to be taking (this is a recurring dream of mine), and this time, I organised some help for myself by calling a taxi to move some of the big items. So I think I'm onto something here (dream nr. 1) and I will be able to handle it maybe with some help (dream nr. 2).

[Chart]

Very cool DF. Your dreams sound spot-on!
 

[dollyvee]

Hey DF,

Well again, I think there's a lot of stigma around suicide and have been talking about it more when I'm at a place where I don't feel like/worry about managing peoples' reactions to it. It becomes more about how they feel about suicide than it does about me losing my dad. So, for many years I didn't talk about it. I, on the other hand, sort of accepted it, which might sound blaise, but now years later and through my own health difficulties, I've learned that suicide ideation is an aspect of toxic mold exposure and, along with multiple other symptoms, circumstances etc, is something I believed my dad to have had. Does it mean that he didn't have his own trauma which contributed to it? No, but it does mean that I don't think it was entirely the thing ( as I believed all along) that people made it out to be.

John Bradshaw has a good description of the shadow self in Healing the Shame That Binds You. Dissociation is a part of cptsd. However, it's also a spectrum where not all dissociation means that you have DID etc (which is not a bad thing either, just how some had to cope with what happened to them).

Maybe you can start your own tradition in remembering your dad in a way that feels comfortable to you?

Sending you support,
dolly

[Desert Flower]

Thanks again Dolly,
Yes, I'd imagine it would be hard to talk about your feelings, when people are in shock about the suicide story first. It is a big taboo. And it's very important to talk about it anyway, so I applaud you for that. I did not know about toxic mold exposure and emotional disturbances, I just learned about it. I might call it 'interesting' but mostly it is tragic. Life is like that sometimes. I think you are very strong and healthy dealing with it. Did you look into his trauma too or did you not feel that need? I think I would want to find out if it relates to my own trauma somehow. If you don't mind my asking, I don't mean to be intrusive here. Anyway, I think it's good to find out how things actually are/were, to really understand them, in order to know how to move on. I find it very empowering.

I did not know 'Healing the shame that binds you' either, I'm pretty new to all of this. What I quickly read about it, sounds valuable indeed. So much to learn here.

And I looked into this dissociation part. I did not know this either, but it turns out that 'dissociative amnesia' very accurately describes what happened with me. And I also recognize 'depersonalizition' very clearly, I remember as a kid I used to see myself walking down the street. And even now, at work, I can see myself sitting at my desk, as if I'm looking through someone else's eyes. I am only mildly shocked here, I knew this about myself, only I didn't know it has a name and that it is part of our condition. So that's good to know. Thank you for helping me out here.

And I find that my mother's ignoring my absent dad very much took hold in me. That part of me doesn't think it makes any sense to make a 'big deal' of remembering my dad. But I think it's important I change the narrative here, because it might in fact be a big deal.

Thanks for your support 

 

[dollyvee]

Hey DF,

Hmmm...I guess it's a difference of approach, but I wouldn't call it tragic. Sometimes we have to accept the things that happen to us in life. I feel like saying it's tragic is giving away some of our own agency in the situation, but that's just me. Now, I'm just a pain in the * to everyone I can be telling them about the dangers of mold and putting the word out about what can atually happen. I recently met someone who confirmed this to me, and said that she experienced suicidal feelings every time she would go back to her moldly apartment and she was smart enough to put two and two togther. I can also underestand that if you have other emotional struggles, it might tip a scale, as did the medication that he was on.

I do know about my dad's trauma and he was open about his struggles to some degree. I went to meet his al-anon friends, he was open about going to therapy (in the 80s) and letting me know that his struggles weren't mine to bear. I can imagine that there's a lot of question marks for you losing your dad so early about what he was like. I hope you do find a way to remember him in your own way.

I learned that shame is also a big part of the cptsd struggle. It's a very thorough book and has taken me a long while to get through. I think it's also the uncomfortable and difficult part of cptsd in there. There's also a good book on IFS and dissociation by Joanne Twombly that I read recently. Sometimes as kids it wasn't safe for us to be in Self, so we dissociate as a means of protection.

No worries, we're all here to help everyone out and in helping others, we also help ourselves without sounding completely ingenuine. Sometimes writing a response helps me articulate and reflect on my own experiences. 

dolly

[Desert Flower]

Much appreciated dolly 

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