A gullible fool

[dollyvee]

Hi Cascade,

Like Kizzie said, we get it. I've fallen into a dark hole never wanting to date again after a recent rejection and that feeling (about myself) is awful. It's also painfully familiar and it's like a repeat of what I experienced about myself growing up. But I'm not that kid and when I come back into adult consciousness, I can see that I'm still here and I'm still whole. I also think to some degree I was projecting my past experiences onto the present one, and that they're not the same. Not that I'm faulting myself for that, just that I'm learning to have more space with the feelings as they come up and dig into what's going on. It sucks in the first place that we had those experiences where we weren't wanted and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Cascade]

I hear you and thank you all.
Processing... this is so hard... so much pain...

[Chart]

Thinking about you Cascade... Hope you are doing a little bit better.
Sending more hugs, love and support.

[Cascade]

Thanks, Chart, for checking in on me!

There's so much to say.  I am finally doing better again.  Trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what happened.

This experience is showing me a lot of things, which are still coalescing.  I think this stage of getting worse before it gets better is because things are coming out into the light and I'm actually trying to change the deeply ingrained, automatic responses.  It feels like I'm flailing around in the dark as I figure out how to change.  I realized in my therapy session yesterday that that's okay.

I'll have more opportunities to practice (grrr and ugh).

I designed the cheat sheet below to keep handy for next time.

Take care, all.  I really appreciate everyone's support!

   -Cascade

[Lakelynn]

Cascade,

I love the cheat sheet, and your decision to deal with and learn from your experience. That takes grit and guts. Flailing is part of my process as well. Yeah, those "opportunities" are a double edged sword.

[Desert Flower]

You're doing great Cascade! This is resilience. And love your cheat sheet too. Should make something like that myself.
 

[Cascade]

Lakelynn and Desert Flower,
Thanks for being here with me, hugging me, and cheering me on.  It was so great to realize I can cut myself some slack for not having it all figured out yet.
   -Cascade

[Cascade]

Hi everyone,
I know my go-to response is intellectualization (e.g., the cheat sheet).  I still have to sit with the feelings... really sit with them.  I'll chalk this up to psychoeducation rather than procrastination as I honor and begin to learn my own process for responding differently.


I've been in the body recovery and emotional safety steps so far.  Just the basics.  More later when I can face the beast and articulate things a little better.
  -Cascade

[Cascade]

I still have to sit with the feelings... really sit with them.

It's like introducing myself to my feelings.  I haven't allowed them for so long. 

It's like introducing myself to me.  This is all improving my relationship with myself.

It's okay, hurt little ones.  I'm here and I love you.  I want to meet you.  I want to meet me.
   -Cascade 💗

[Desert Flower]

    

[Lakelynn]

This is all improving my relationship with myself.

This is a wonderful perspective.

Really sitting with feelings without intellectualizing, problem solving and distracting is what my T advised this morning. (I have therapy at 8:00 AM!)

When I asked why it was so important, she said" So you'll see it won't kill you."

I called her a B1tch! My tolerance is so very short.

[Cascade]

Wow, Lakelynn, I probably would've had the same thought!  Lots of things aren't going to kill me, but that's not a good enough reason for me to try them.  I'm sorry that happened.


I have to keep things framed in terms of my two big goals:  improving my relationship with myself and building my sense of self-worth.  To me, those seems like better reasons to do things.
   -Cascade

[Cascade]

Lessons Learned (so far)

I was indeed able to come out of this EF within a week, which probably would've lasted two or three weeks back at the beginning of this year.  My body, mind, and emotions are ready to begin to "meet the feelings with curiosity."

There's a lot coming up.

The thing about my father and birthdays kept coming to mind.  I always thought, "Maybe this year I'll be old enough for him to see me and care about me."  Somehow I thought it must be about me being a kid that he didn't like.  Oh yeah, right, because he actually told me I was a worthless [expletive] kid.

So each birthday, I hoped and trusted in the love everyone kept telling me he did have for me.  And year after year, I was disappointed.  I think the parallel is in the putting myself out there with trust, and then the rejection.  It's not so much about the birthdays or age or even feeling special because someone wants to spend time with me.  It's about that cycle of feelings through trust and rejection.

Then the other thing that just came up this morning was about me being "too much."  The sensation was a hand around my throat and being choked.  The sense of self-expression was being choked off, cut off, shut down.

It was the sense of needing more than people can give.  I needed way more than my father could give.  He didn't even want to be a father.  While my mother did want to be a mother, her own wounds led to limitations in her abilities.

To put all this together, I guess we have the need for attachment, trust, and rejection.  Pretty basic.  Why was that so hard to write?!  Feeling it heart and soul is different from knowing it in the mind.  Now I can feel what it does to me.

The need for attachment doesn't mean I'm gullible.
Trusting doesn't make me a fool.
Rejection isn't always about me.

I'm the adult now.  I can choose my attachments.  I can trust in myself and accept myself.  Rejecting myself was the most hurtful part of all this.  I thought it was about not feeling loved by anyone else.  I know I need to love myself before anyone else can love me.  It's about not allowing myself to love myself for who I am, because my reaction was about shutting me down, my expressions, my needs, before anyone else could do it to me.

My body's getting very uncomfortable and squirmy, like a kid who wants to bolt.  First, let me say some comforting words.  You are beautiful.  You have beautiful thoughts.  You say beautiful things.  You make beautiful things in your world.  I'm excited to see and hear all the beautiful things yet to come.

The parents were wrong to shut you down.  You are free to be yourself.  You are free to come to me for help.  Let's work together, on the same side.  I have a cheat sheet now, so I'll try to do better next time!
   -Cascade

[Kizzie]

That's some great self-reflection Cascade  Very glad to hear you came out of your EF!

[Desert Flower]

That's beautiful and powerful Cascade!