Made to be broken

[AphoticAtramentous]

Not asking for help (can't be helped anyway) nor planning on doing anything, just venting in a random place on a random site cause nobody else gets it. Would put in my journal but thought it'd be too heavy for those not expecting it.
Feel free to remove this if it's not acceptable.

TW General abuse and self harm
I spoke to my therapist yesterday, though I didn't even want to be there. I told her how I have no inner child, because I refuse to believe I was a child - refuse to believe that part of me existed. I told her there's no good part of my childhood. She asked there's surely some positive things there, so I started listing off random word associations and how all those words turn into negatives. Colouring books? Reminds me of my eldest sister's drug abuse. Video game consoles? Reminds me of them being thrown against the pavement. Plushies? Reminds me of our late mistreated dog.

I told my therapist how nobody cares. People say they do but they actually don't. People only help others to feel good about themselves. They help others just so they can say "I'm a good person". I told my therapist how loud my father shouted, and yet nobody came to check if things were okay. None of my neighbours cared. My school didn't care. Child protection services didn't care. There was nothing in the world that would ever save me, and the only reason I can think of as to why this is the case, is the fact that I deserve to be hurt. If the world is made of highs and lows, I exist for the sole purpose of being the low so that others can enjoy being a high.

The therapy session didn't help. I just came out feeling more broken and alone. I hurt myself and I texted a hotline but I dropped that cause they had a queue. I have no idea what to do. Medication isn't helping. Therapy isn't helping. I don't even have the strength or motivation to help myself. They say a broken thing can be repaired, but I feel more like tempered glass - shattered into a thousand pieces. Nobody can be bothered to put all those tiny fragments back together, not even myself, so much easier to replace it.

Regards,
The aphotic zone, truly the darkest part of the ocean.

[Hope67]

Hi Aphotic,
I can't find the right words to reply as I'd like to, except to say that I read what you wrote, and I hope that venting everything here in the way that you have - I hope it's helped in some way.  I am sorry that the hotline had a queue last night when you contacted them.  I hope that within the dark of the darkest part of the ocean that you feel some sense of caring from us here in this forum.  You have been so kind to me in my journal, and I have felt that kindness, and I feel it is genuine.  I hope you'll feel my care also - I do care. 
Hope

[Phoebes]

Hi Aphotic,

I do care, too. And I relate to your experiences with your T and the hotline, and feeling so much distrust from others. IMHO, I don't think your T's pushing you to come up with "positives" from childhood is good therapy practice. That shows she doesn't get it. Not beyond the generic. Certainly not CPTSD. I can so relate to anything and everything conjuring an abusive memory. There is no area left un-wounded, and it makes for a very different experience in life than the "just be positive" crowd can understand.

 I often wish we could meet in person as a group so that I could see and interact with those who get it, because they sure don't exist in my in$person life. But there ARE those out there who do. We here do. I dont think we are random, but a highly curated small group of those who are on this very similar journey, who did not get love and support but abuse, and who are doing our best to heal, learn, grow, and support each other. I'm glad you're here, too.

[Desert Flower]

Aphotic, your post brought tears to my eyes and I don't think that is to make me feel better but it is empathy I feel. I do care you're feeling so very bad about yourself. And I do know what it feels like and most of us here do, unfortunately. It sucks. I have the same trouble remembering nice things about my childhood. Just yesterday, my daughter asked me what my favorite childhood memory was and I honestly didn't know what to tell her. I agree with Phoebes your T, like many 'healthy' people (if he/she is that), just cannot really fathom how it was/is for us.
At the same time, I'm very glad you're venting here, because that may bring you some of the support you need so badly.
And I really mostly wanna say you definitely did not deserve any of these things that happened to you, please hear that. I'm not much of a motivational speaker so I do not know of anything to say that could make you feel better, except for: we are here for you and we do care.

[Blueberry]

Aphotic,

You don't deserve to be hurt.

I hope venting has helped a bit, maybe even 1%.

Another place to vent that I find quite helpful on here is Recovery Letters because then you can vent right AT the person e.g. your therapist for not understanding or...

Sending good thoughts.

[Little2Nothing]

Aphotic, I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I have had similar experiences and it is painful and lonely. 

I want say that I care and my heart is with you right now. You are a good person and deserve so much better than what you received as a child. 

You are in my thoughts. 

[Chart]

I did therapy for over forty years. When it helped, it helped very very little. It's only in the past two weeks that I feel I've actually begun doing effective therapy... for the first time of my life.

Hard to find, but it does exist. Don't give up Aphotic. You WILL get better. You're too smart not to. (imo)

Sending hugs and support. So very sorry you're in the poop. It will change, slowly and over time, but it will change.
 

[AphoticAtramentous]

A general "thank you all" doesn't do it justice. Thank you Hope, Phoebes, Desert Flower, Blueberry, Little2Nothing, and Chart...

Your words are sincerely appreciated. I can't remember the last time I've had so many different people care enough to share a few words at once. So thank you...


It's been a rough few weeks. I don't think it helps that I'm so publicly high-functioning but extremely low-functioning in private - meaning that everyone thinks I'm fine even when my heart is racing so fast I fear it might just give out.

I can do enough to do my work and get paid - mainly for the sake of others, but as soon as I'm home... I just seem to crumble. I can't cook for myself these days, can't keep the house clean, can't work on my hobbies. I'm physically neglecting myself and I know that only makes things worse but I just can't seem to get up for my own sake.

The venting helps a little.
I have other stuff to say but I'll leave it for another more appropriate thread I think.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Dalloway]

Aphotic, I´d  just like to add (even tough you virtually closed the thread  ) that before I joined this forum, I truly believed people are bad and that they do not care at all, but then I came here, "met" all of you wonderful people and you gave me the biggest gift one could get -- hope. I´m starting to believe in humanity thanks to people like you and everyone else here. And the most beautiful thing about this is that is works in both ways -- I´m catching myself expressing care and support to people here and feeling that I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. Not sure if it helps, but I care and really wish you could feel all that even in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean of your mind. Sending hugs if that´s OK.     

[Hypervigilant]

Hang on in there, finding the right therapist is the hardest thing, especially when we are already the broken ones. I had a therapist that tried the "Russian doll" technique and opened me up but couldn't put me back together. I was an utter mess for months. I wish she had just admitted she was out of her depth and couldn't deal with trauma.
I'm so sorry because it's so raw and debilitating and you don't know where to go or what to do and this was done by someone supposedly helping. I'm very guarded now with therapy and check their depth of interest and whether they understand complex trauma.
You are not alone in your struggles and I send warmth and hope you are able to find the right help.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks Dalloway, I'm still not overly optimistic about the general populace, but I do know at least there is a very small percentage of people who care - and I guess that's better than nothing.

Thanks Hypervigilant, that experience sounds rough, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I wish my current therapist would also admit that, or recommend me to someone else.

I think my therapist failed me in a lot of ways but it was hard to actually see that because I'm so used to subpar care and treatment. :\ Things are still rough and I still feel like I'm getting nowhere but at least I'm just passively living with that fact for now. I'm so confused and feeling disoriented by reality. So many people around me are so untraumatized and... normal. And it feels like I live amongst aliens, or that I'm an alien myself. I had this thought that maybe it's going to be like this for the rest of my life. That if I ever get to 80 and someone asks me "Was your life good?" then I'd answer with "Not really, every day was a struggle in its own way", which is tragically depressing considering we only get one shot at life.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

I relate to many things you're saying Aphotic.
Sometimes I think: who am I helping here with this 'high-functioning bla bla', when inside I can feel so totally different.
And also feeling so different from everyone around us. It's hard sometimes, needing to explain otherwise they don't get it at all. But whenever I do tell them a little bit about how I'm feeling, sometimes they do try to help in an nice (unexpected) way.
And also feeling it's so late in life already. Me I'm 52 and only now am I starting to get how this works (inner critic beating me up).
But I do feel we are making progress, even if it does look like a mess at the moment. (I'll get back to this in your other thread about starting again.)
You're not alone in many of these things.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks for the assuring words, Desert Flower. Referring to communities like this, in a sense, we're alone, but we're alone together.

My partner has been very patient with me through this episode, so I shouldn't neglect that fact either. I also had an epiphany last night in bed, that has helped me process my place in society and the various social circles I'm in. I have my medical appointments booked, and I have future plans to look forward to... so this will do for now.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

That's fair enough Atrophic, I'd say you're doing 'not bad' as the French would say. Pas mal. That's a compliment!

And I'm happy for you you have a supportive partner. I find a relationship that you can trust, with someone who's not going to chop your head off for doing normal things, is helping us heal.

[Cascade]

Aphotic,
I'm sorry to be adding my support here late.  I was going through the exact same thoughts and feelings as you expressed!  I wasn't able to truly help myself, only to start a thread about it, which is what you've done, too.  I have the same beliefs about myself as you have about yourself.  And everyone here really cared enough to lift me up and let me know I'm not alone.  Although my words are late here, you've been in my thoughts.

Thank you for sharing yourself here so that I, too, know I'm not alone and my responses to all that happened are normal.
   -Cascade