Introduction

[MarkTheRobot]

Hello - I have CPTSD. I have flashbacks, mostly emotional. I have had them more or less my entire life. Sometimes my body won't do what I want it to do. When I process trauma I tend to have a strong somatic response. I am 42m with a 2 year old daughter that is amazing. I will give her the safety all children deserve to feel in their parent. It is my greatest honor to try and do so.

I have been in various forms of therapy for almost all of my adult life, currently EMDR and I have positive things to say about it.

Recently I made a break thru with processing and understanding the parts work and I am giving OOTS a try to see if I can make some connections for support. My therapist recommended that I might benefit from support groups.

Why am I here? Trauma. 

Trigger warning

As a child, the adults around me made choices that drastically impacted my life. Those choices had a cascading effect that I was abandoned to navigate when I was much too young to be alone with those kinds of emotions. I'm not sure how much detail to go into in an intro post.

I was involved in an accidental death when I was 4. 2 children were left unsupervised in a home with accessible firearms. My parents weren't equipped to help me with it. My dad was abusive and couldn't see me as an individual. My mom was a covert narcissist and wouldn't see me as an individual. The judge in my case told my parents I needed to be in organized sports to "let out my anger" so they put me in martial arts. I was sexually abused by the instructor of a martial arts summer camp.
I think that's enough of a dump for now.

I look forward to talking with you. I hope we can offer each other the comfort, compassion, and grace that we all absolutely deserve. I am terrified to share, but, I trust the process with my life.

It took me a long time to get to this point and I have a strong desire to keep healing.

[Papa Coco]

MarkTheRobot,

Your story touches my heart deeply. so many missed opportunities to support you during your young life.

You are not the only person who is terrified to share. Fear comes with the CPTSD. It's part of the trauma.

When I was in Toastmasters learning how to get over my fear of public speaking, they coached me by saying, "Everyone here is on your side. Everyone wants you to succeed and is here to help you do so." I am taking what they told me in Toastmasters and applying here too. Everyone on the forum is on your side. The empathy and compassion here have been a comfort to me for nearly 3 years now.

I look forward to reading more from you and interacting with you in coming days or weeks. I'm sorry to read about your struggles but glad to see you're giving this forum a go. As I say, the people here have given me a lot of peace and validation. They've helped me to start to realize that I'm worthy of being cared about.

A warm welcome to you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome Mark.  I'm so sorry for all that you went through and continue to struggle with but I hope you find the support here helpful. Members here get it so you can say what you what/need to and receive validation, suggestions, and have a sense of belonging which can be powerful in recovery.

 

[Hypervigilant]

Hi Mark the robot.
I just wanted to reach out as a fellow child trauma survivor.
I have no answers except for keep moving forward. We were only children trying to navigate an adult world with no support. We were not to blame. We deserved better.
Stay strong, knowledge is the key to unravel this mess and put it to bed and hopefully set us free.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome to OOTS. It sounds like you have had a very rough ride and I am happy to read that you are now travelling along the healing path.

I wish you well and look forward to seeing you around the forum.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, MarkTheRobot. Your name intrigues me, and I'm curious if there's a story to it or not. I'm sorry things have been so difficult, how unfortunate it is for life to kick us whilst we're down. I understand the fear to share, but we're all here to listen if and when you wish to share.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Lolly728]

Hello Mark... sending you a hug (if that is okay) as your story moves me to do so. I am also a survivor of SA. I have a daughter (much older than yours) and I'd do anything for her and her safety and security is probably my #1 priority in life. I get it. Congratulations to you for being there for her and being the parent you didn't get. It is a big deal.

I am sorry for what you have gone through and the pain I'm sure you have struggled to deal with. I hope you find some good support here