Family gathering (UGH) and angry sweeping (WRAH!!!)

[Desert Flower]

I was not looking forward to the event of today. I knew it would be hugely triggering. My only assignment to myself was: feel your feet. Be in your body if you can. I did remember a few times.

- trigger warning maybe -
So the thing was: a family gathering for the purpose of scattering my late mother-in-law's ashes. (Many stories more to share on that, she once put me in the worst EF's I can remember. And she was traumatized herself. Well, anyway.) I've never liked family gatherings and until recently, I thought it was me. But there were (now obvious) reasons I don't. And there was this little speech by my sister-in-law (the one that very recently, when I was finally starting to say something to my in-laws about what was 'wrong with me', started telling me I was in menopause - say what???) a speech about how the love between the parents was what they were now passing on in their families and I just felt so lonely and annoyed, (disgusted even?) there. I just felt they were such a bunch of hypocrites, to me this just couldn't be true. And I'm happy I felt annoyed, I'm happy I felt SOMETHING, instead of just not feeling anything because that was impossible, like before.

About two thirds into the event, I checked out mentally. I couldn't stay present anymore. Well, I had tried. And I know the moment at which I checked out too, I felt that. After that, never mind.

Well, after that, I did have an uncle touch me (tattoos on my arm) unsolicited and I didn't even notice enough to say something, just kept on fawning. And he asked me: isn't that damaging? And I only vaguely mumbled: hm no. I really didn't know what to say.

(Okay, some ranting next.)

But afterwards, when I was angrily sweeping our garden (I love our garden, always lots of sweeping to do), I realised I was really angry and I thought what I ought to have said: You know what's damaging? Us growing up that way!!! That's damaging - lots of swear words to fill in the blanks here:__________________________, and some more __________________________). There, that's better.

And I was happy I was feeling my anger too. Even if only I managed to feel it after a fatigue attack had hit me and I knew I could'nt be that tired, I was pushing away unwanted emotions. Anger. Did some very productive sweeping.

[Blueberry]

Yay!   on feeling your anger! Good on you for sweeping too. Sometimes I can feel my anger when I do something physical. 

I'm sorry you had to go through a family gathering today and that it was so difficult you dissociated.

[rainydiary]

I'm glad that you made it through the event and recognized what is really damaging to you.  I also like the idea of having one goal for situations like that like feeling my feet.

[Cascade]

Desert Flower,
You made it through the event and the aftermath so well!  I am so proud of you!  I second everything Blueberry and rainydiary said, too.

   -Cascade

[Kizzie]

You got angry and maybe you wouldn't have before so huge step forward DF!  It may be in the future you do speak back, for now maybe just think of it as practising a new skill. It's kind of crazy that we have to learn how to be angry but that CPTSD for you. 

It may be that your family will never get it, that they will always try to make you feel like an angry/oversensitive person so it helps to be ready for that. One way is to try and stay calm and state what you need/want to. It's called  "clean anger" where you speak about why you are angry but in a way that doesn't attack the other(s).  When I am able to do it, it works really well but just a warning it can make the person you are dealing with quite angry because they can't get under your skin and make you look like the one with the problem. You're turning the tables and they don't like that.   

[Desert Flower]

Thank you all. Very nice to be cheered on for being angry, ha ha. Today I did some calm sweeping, feeling better now.

Well, and Kizzie, you are quite a bit ahead of me here, I should think. I don't know if I would ever have composure like that. And stay with what's happening. But then again, I've come a long long way already. So thank you for the perspective.

 

[dollyvee]

Hey DF,

I just want to say relatable to the above and I second angry sweeping, why not? It seems like a very healthy way to express your anger than "having a go" at relatives who would probably never get it anyway. I hope you're able to have some space and boundaries to deal with the things that are coming up for you.

I had a text from my aunt last night and it just brought up all the ways which the family will never get/are unwilling to face the things in their lives even though others of us may see it (ie my aunt and cousin's workaholism as a way of being codependent/dealing with my gm's alcoholism which has run on in the family with my aunt marrying an alcoholic (cousin's father)). But of course any suggestion about this is brushed off/countered, and/or dealt with by finding subtle ways in which I am deficient (as I feel, and the notion of competition is rife in my family). It just feels so sad sometimes when it's borne out of love and a desire to connect with family, and you are once again rejected (?), or left feeling like your needs don't matter. Not saying that I'm a perfect person without faults, but it's the lack of honest conversations about what is going on, or has gone on in the family that I find difficult. Angry sweeping indeed.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok 
dolly

[Desert Flower]

Thanks dolly 

Yes, it's sad when these things cannot be named and are left to fester further (with them at least). But for many people it's just too much to deal with I'm afraid. As we (start to) see what's going on though, it will hopefully not continue with us and that's something already.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I am glad that you were able to get some satisfaction from your sweeping.
I don't blame you for checking out during a family gathering, I'd probably do the same, on purpose or not. I also empathise with your frustrations, I hate it how fake family can be sometimes, pretending everything is fine, how much 'love' and 'care' there is. Yeah, right!
Thanks for sharing your experiences, Desert Flower.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

That is something DF  I think it's a tough spot to navigate these family interactions and our needs without abandoning ourselves as we had to do in the past. So, it's whatever method you need to do to connect with yourself and good for you that you were able to do that.