I think my inner critic is alive

[AphoticAtramentous]

A few days ago, I had a dream - and within it I'm pretty sure I met my inner critic face to face. Apparently my inner critic is so entrenched in my mind that it has its own personification now so that's... fantastic. /sarcasm Maybe it doesn't help that I even gave it a name many years ago (her name is She, like the pronoun but as a name). I had the opportunity to see what my mind perceives her as, the defining features being her long dress and vibrant hot-pink wavy hair. Along with her name, it's all very feminine... which suits, because femininity was something often used against me as a child.

TW FOO abuse: I was too much of a girl for my father, said I was weak, 'precious', and such a 'princess' (in a derogatory manner). I hated being feminine so much it made me think I was a transgender man instead, but in reality I just wanted to get away from the abuse.
END TW

TW non-descriptive violence and nightmares: In the dream, I knew I was dreaming - though not to the level where I could control my dream. I came across my inner critic, I didn't realise who she was at first, but despite this she still felt familiar to me. I can't remember much of our initial conversation but at some point she brandished a weapon. I told her "Please don't hurt me, the pain doesn't always wake me up from my dreams." She smiled and replied "I know." And then naturally she tried to hurt me. Though I somehow managed to grab the weapon before it could do any harm. I tried to hurt her back, but she felt no pain at all - she didn't even flinch. Realising I was powerless, I ran off. She of course pursued, and the dream never really had a satisfying conclusion after that.
END TW

Though the dream was... frightening, as they most often are, it gives me some new clues:

• That my inner critic may be more human than I realised. I always thought she was just the embodiment or essence of pain itself. But she has a face, a voice, a personality... so maybe she can also be reasoned with?
• The way the dream was composed, and the way our conversation went, it seemed like my inner critic is the source of my more violent nightmares. This may just be some baseless psuedoscience I'm making up to try and make myself feel better. But it gives me a little hope that perhaps, if my inner critic becomes... less critical, then maybe it'll stop or lessen the violent nightmares?

Anyway, there's nothing here I really need answered or guidance for. Just sharing my recent experiences that I thought were interesting. Maybe I am curious if anyone else's internal parts have been personified like this? I know some folks have said that their inner critics are direct representatives of their abusers, but for me it's always felt more like a raw and unfiltered energy of emotions - until now I guess.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Aphotic, I absolutely love this post, I think your dream is awesome (although it may be frightening too) and I absolutely think you're on to something here.

I know many of us have nightmares and these can be debilitating. I myself have had recurring dreams that were reliving some of my bad experiences. But as I've progressed on my path and in my healing, the tone of these dreams have changed into - yes, still a mess I need to clean up somehow, but also - in my dream - I'm on the verge of being able to handle the mess, and what's maybe more important, in my dream I've started to ask for help. So I really think our dreams are telling us a lot about what's going on inside our mind. Very powerful stuff.

And since a little while, I've been into lucid dreaming and this can be trained if you want to. I am convinced that working with our mind this way will help our healing. I had a few lucid dreams already and two where I was beginning to influence the dream. I cannot tell you how powerful this is, it's great.

So, for your Inner Critic, I think it might be useful that She has a name and a distinctive appearance, it gives you something (almost?) tangible to work with. Now I think there may be two approaches to this. One is, as I read in Pete Walker's book, to anger at the Inner Critic. For me, so far, this has been very powerful. Whenever I notice the IC saying something to me I tell her very forcefully to shut the f* up. It gives me some angry power that I can use. And sometimes, it stops the worrying instantly.

And the other approach would be to befriend the IC. I have yet to read 'No Bad Parts', maybe you read it, but from what I heard (anyone, please correct me if I'm wrong), what we need to do is befriend all our parts. And this Inner critic dame has been here because she needed to protect you. I'm not sure how this works yet, but I'm sure someone here will.

In addition to this approach, I'm adding my personal experience of a (Buddhist) meditation I did. This is not for everyone, I know. So forget it if you don't like it or if you think it's crap. It's called: "Feeding your Demons" (book by Tsultrim Alione). This may sound very strange and counter intuitive, because we usually want our Demons to go away. But these Demons are here because they need something from us. So in the meditation, you ask the Demon what it is here for, what she (or She?) needs. And when you visualize giving this to the Demon, she starts to transform, shrink, move etc. (and indeed she goes away sometimes). And next in the meditation, you ask for a Protector to appear. Sometimes the Demon herself changes into the Protector. Or another Protector may appear. Anyway, it was very insightful for me to practice this and to find out why my body kept being sick (long covid). So the Demon was my illness (in my case, no apparent physical condition was causing my symptoms) and she wanted to protect me from getting overworked or from having too much stress at work etc. etc.. And the Protector was a very loving and warm persona I could connect to and feel safe with. Like I said, I have no idea whether you like this sort of stuff or not. But it was what your IC reminded me of so I just wanted to share it.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks for taking the time to read this, Desert Flower. And I'm glad you appreciate it. I'm not big on the whole "every dream has a meaning", but I know that some dreams are definitely worth listening to and analysing. Your experiences with your dreams changing tone absolutely resonates with me. Unrelated to the inner critic, but related to dreams - a reoccurring theme in my nightmares is of me being trapped - the epitome of CPTSD trauma I'd say. However in recent years I've had the occasional dream where it starts out as a nightmare, but then I turn into a dragon and escape from my chains, box, rope, whatever was holding me down. Once I turned into a dragon, and my strength alone wasn't enough to get me out. I thought that was it, that not even being a dragon would save me. But then spontaneously I managed to summon huge sparks of lightning that freed me. Those dreams give me hope, though I can't track the intangible state of my mind, maybe my dreams are telling me that I truly am getting better. Slowly, but surely.

Thank you for sharing those methods in tackling the inner critic. So far I've been trying the Pete Walker method, of telling my inner critic to go suck an egg, heh. However a problem with that is that I have difficulty in deciphering what actually is the inner critic, or is it a genuine healthy criticism? Like, take for example: "Your art is awful, those lines are so sloppy." Is it the inner critic? Or is my lineart genuinely sloppy and I need to produce more care and time for my work? After all, critiques and reviews are how we improve, is it not? So how to differentiate the good (constructive) critique from the bad? I haven't figured that out yet...

This is why I'm starting to lean towards either the 'No Bad Parts', or 'Feeding your Demons' (which I have heard of before but didn't know the name of it!). I don't want to inadvertently stunt my professional growth by telling all my criticisms to shut up, so perhaps getting to know the inner critic might help make the criticisms less... violent.

Thanks for sharing all this. It's helpful to know and think about.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Well Aphotic, I don't know how it is for you, but for me, there's not much healthy criticism at all. I would say at least 90 percent is Inner Critic bs and not healthy at all. I do get what you're saying about healthy criticism giving us opportunity to grow, but what we also need, before we can grow I think, is to have some sense of relaxation, some sense of being okay with ourselves so we can take on this criticism and judge whether it's valid or not. So if I were to disregard all criticism and that way miss some healthy criticism because I'm so relaxed (hypothetical situation), I think I might still be very happy about that. Just to be on the other end of the continuum for a change. And who know it would balance out in the long run.

[Papa Coco]

Aphotic, Wow. That was an amazing dream. I think you are right; it was one of the special dreams that are more than just working through the day's anxieties. It feels like your inner critic really, truly connected with you that night, and it really left an impression on you. A helpful impression.

Desert Flower, I agree, 90% of inner criticism is hurtful and unhealthy. What I've been learning is that, even though the criticism is hurtful, the inner critic meant it as a tool to stop me from putting myself in danger, so the intent was not to hurt me, but to protect me by making me shy away from putting myself out there too vulnerably. For example, when my inner critics call me "too stupid" or "too emotional" to try to start a business or succeed at something, they're using the criticism to stop me from making a big mistake and losing the business or failing publicly at trying something new.

My parts, or inner critics, talk to me often. My DBT Therapist has spent many years working with me to help me learn how to connect with them, and I'm now able to do it at home alone better than ever. Some are personified with names and ages, while others are just voices or feelings that need to be heard and validated. Working with them, listening to them, accepting them as a part of my "team" of souls that makes up my identity, has been the strongest thread in my healing journey. It seems like Trauma locked each part away in solitude. Each inner critic used the only tool they had in their toolbox to try and help me avoid repeating behaviors that once hurt me. They use insults, low self-esteem, suspicion, criticism, etc. to try and get me to not put myself into the path of an attack. As I talk with them, I thank them profusely for having worked so hard to try and protect me from myself, and then I assure them that I'm not 7 years old anymore, and don't need to be protected the way I did back then. When they feel better about having been heard and validated, they often cease to use their tool (criticism) to try and keep me safe.

I have been working with my IFS parts and inner critics for a while now. I've even started taking zoom training sessions from Robert Falconer, who authored The Others Within Us. It was a powerful book that talks about where various different inner critics come from and how to address them each in the healing process. The book has been a big help for me while I talk with various inner critics each morning. As I work with each of them, so far, they've all proven to be on my side. No bad parts, right?  They use criticism so as to stop me from making the same mistake twice.

I'm starting to feel like my next step in my healing journey is to focus less on trying to be "cured" and focus more on accepting who and what I am. Focusing on a cure has been my downfall. Focusing on integrating my parts and accepting them is new for me. I now realize that I can accept my inner critics rather than fight them--which is what I have traditionally done. I've tried too hard for too long to silence my inner critics. Now I accept them and thank them and help them to move on with me. I'm finally learning how to integrate my parts into a team rather than try to hide from them or just ask them to leave me alone.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Desert Flower, your insight is very valuable to me.  I do appreciate your logic there, that missing the 5% of good criticisms is still better than dealing with the remaining 95% of bad criticisms.

For example, when my inner critics call me "too stupid" or "too emotional" to try to start a business or succeed at something, they're using the criticism to stop me from making a big mistake and losing the business or failing publicly at trying something new.

My DBT Therapist has spent many years working with me to help me learn how to connect with them, and I'm now able to do it at home alone better than ever. Some are personified with names and ages, while others are just voices or feelings that need to be heard and validated. Working with them, listening to them, accepting them as a part of my "team" of souls that makes up my identity, has been the strongest thread in my healing journey.

As I work with each of them, so far, they've all proven to be on my side. No bad parts, right?

Thanks Papa Coco, I needed these reminders, the quoted parts especially.

TW START - Death/harm
I have been recently asking She (my inner critic) what exactly she wants from me. She says she wants me to go die. I've kept dismissing this because I thought there was absolutely nothing positive to come out of that. But I think I realise now, she wants us to die because she doesn't want to feel the pain anymore... it's the only way she knows how to deal with it all, by just not existing.
TW END

You give me hope for my new upcoming therapy. I am excited to work with a therapist who can hopefully take my parts into consideration, because I think it will help a lot. So far, trying to treat my inner critic like it's myself isn't working. But when I consider them to be another person, it feels a lot different, it feels more manageable somehow. Hearing your experiences has been very helpful, I honestly mean that, thank you for sharing.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Good for you Aphotic, I'm glad about that.

[Papa Coco]

Apohotic,

Even though I'm pretty good at meeting my parts while I'm alone, I recognize that having my therapist with me remains to be a very GOOD idea. He is much better at helping me understand my parts than I am. I'm glad you have a T who might be able to help you with the parts work. I'm excited to find out how they are able to help you talk with the part that wants you to go away and die. It's likely that with a good therapist intervening between you and your suffering part, that you stand a good chance at helping that part lose their desire to die.

Even telling you she wants you to die may be a cry for help from her to you. I'm hoping you are able to update us all after you meet with the T, to let us know how this part was addressed and what you might have been able to work through with her.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks Papa Coco,
TW Death and harm
I do think and hope that the T will be able to help with it all. It's not something I can bring up to regular people. Trauma-uninformed people don't really know how to help when you tell them "I have a little demon in my head that tells me it's a good day to stand in the middle of the road."

Cause the problem is, they'll try to go by the usual supportive mechanisms like "Sui is not the answer" and "You have so many things to look forward to!" It's not helpful because I know this already, I realise that all very clearly. But it's not ME who is wanting to die, they'd have to tell all that stuff to the inner-critic, not me.

And well, I think you can understand why I choose to not let that part out to talk to anyone. Because when I do, I usually lose all sense of control and come to with a bottle of alcohol or weapon in hand. So having a T to go through that with me, in a safe environment away from you know... roads, weapons, and alcohol... would be very nice.
END TW.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Papa Coco]

Aphotic.

Wow. I'm resonating with you strongly right now. My suicidality has often felt like a separate person who lives within me who sometimes takes control. Coco and I choose to not have any weapons in the house because it makes it too easy to answer the call of my little demon. (Actually, I don't think of this inner critic as a demon, but more of a part that wants to take me out of the world when the world feels too cold and cruel. I realize today that he's trying to help in the only way he knows how. Escape). I've made 4 attempts during my lifetime and all four felt like I was being led to it by a part that grabbed the wheel. Twice, it was the grim reaper himself. Each attempt was halted by an intervention of some kind that broke the spell moments before it was too late. So, I totally resonate with your sense that it's not your Self that drives the ideation. It's just one of your inner critic parts.

It sounds like you and I manage our Sui-ideation similarly: No weapons in reach, and not letting anyone say the usual CBT Bullshoot about how it will hurt our families, etc. I have been so offended when I've reached out for emotional help and only got CBT remarks back. The two that you listed above are the two I hate the most. I agree. My response today would be, "Yeah. I already know the pain it will cause, so THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING FOR HELP, you Ding dong." (I can laugh about it now, but it wasn't funny when I was asking for help and only getting slapped down.)

When I was only about 6 or 7, and the abuse was starting at school, I told my family I wanted to kill myself. I had three teen siblings and two parents scolding me for saying that. "JIMMY! THAT'S A SIN! You'll burn in h*ll for saying that!" Talk about reacting the wrong way. If any 6 year old ever told me they wanted to die, I'd be mortified. I'd grab them and hug them and ask them where it hurts. I wouldn't yell at them for it!  How can people be so disconnected from love that they'd scorn someone who would rather be dead than alive?

For me, the sui-ideation explodes into action when I feel completely disconnected from all other humans. Unwelcome on the earth. When I feel so alone that I don't have anyone on my team, that's when my little sui-part rises up and says "then let's just leave the earth." When anyone reaches out to me from a place of concern, that reminds me that I'm not completely disconnected from everyone, and it restores my desire to live. I've only just realized that, for me, my desire to live is directly related to my sense of connection. If I'm not wanted, I have no other reason to be here, and my little sui-part takes the wheel and heads me toward the exit.

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to talk about it to those who don't understand. I'm very glad that you felt safe to talk about it here. Because people like me need to know we can talk about it also. We get it. We know that we are asking for love and getting scolded instead. So, thanks for bringing this topic to the forum and letting me chime in with you. You're the only other person I've ever met who, like me, sees this as a rogue part, an inner critic run amok, and not a cognitive decision that I'm making from my Self.

I'm sorry that your little IFS inner-critic part is so determined that she's yelling at you. Once again, my faith is in your therapist helping you to connect with that hurting part and help her relax and become more helpful in new ways.

If you're ever looking for good books on IFS, I found Dr. Robert Falconer's book, The Others Within Us to be very eye-opening around where these parts come from and how we can work to heal them, so they can, in turn, help to heal us.

Good luck with the T. I have high hopes that he or she will be helpful.

[lostwanderer]

Thank you for sharing this - I think it's really brave of you!
Your experience sounds super frightening but I love that you sensed some clarity around it too

In answer to your question, I have had a few experiences with my inner critic like this but it wasn't a dream.  The first time was after I had met with a friend who shared that her counselor or therapist or whatever encouraged her to visualize the inner critic (struggling to explain it).  Anyway, I was inspired I guess so the next time I noticed that voice I experienced a visualization - I saw my inner critic as a muppet that looked like my mom but she was dressed in a judges robe sitting behind the big judge table. 

I kinda forgot about that picture actually until just now ........

The particular point of that visualization was to confront the inner critic and ask them if they were tired of constantly judging.  The next part is to ask them if they'd like to go on vacation and reassure them that their job won't go undone.  I know during this experience my inner critic did acknowledge they were tired and chose to go on vacation so the next time I noticed all the loud critical voices again, I confronted and was like, "I thought you said you were going on vacation?"  I did notice some relief from that and I'm being reminded of that right now.

Maybe it's time for me to start imagining that muppet again?? 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Papa Coco. Our shared experiences are very validating and comforting... And knowing how hard it is all for me, I can get a sense of how hard it is all on you too.
I should probably try to read more books like that, it's hard to sit idly between therapist sessions, so thank you for the recommendation.

Thanks for reading my post lostwanderer, and thanks for sharing your own visualisation. I appreciate your method on soothing the inner critic a little bit, judging everything all the time is indeed a tiring endeavour.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

The next part is to ask them if they'd like to go on vacation and reassure them that their job won't go undone.  I know during this experience my inner critic did acknowledge they were tired and chose to go on vacation so the next time I noticed all the loud critical voices again, I confronted and was like, "I thought you said you were going on vacation?"

I really like this idea of sending the inner critic on vacation.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know if this is too off the wall, but when I saw that you call her She I was immediately reminded of the song "She". I like the Elvis Costello version best. I don't know if you know the song and I'm not going to link here, or type the lyrics, at this stage because it is a love song, but following on from the "no bad parts" discussion I wonder if the lyrics might be of some use. I'm happy to link or type them if you are interested and don't know the song. The reason I thought of the song is because it is not all sunshine and roses, and "She" in the song is not always the easiest to deal with.

[Chart]

Aphotic, I took a quote from Dollyvee's journal where she explains John Bradshaw's definition of criticism and the distinction between that and "feedback". In my opinion, anyone who uses language like "Your art is awful, those lines are so sloppy" is clearly not using healthy language and the intention is not positive.

Thank you for sharing those methods in tackling the inner critic. So far I've been trying the Pete Walker method, of telling my inner critic to go suck an egg, heh. However a problem with that is that I have difficulty in deciphering what actually is the inner critic, or is it a genuine healthy criticism? Like, take for example: "Your art is awful, those lines are so sloppy." Is it the inner critic? Or is my lineart genuinely sloppy and I need to produce more care and time for my work? After all, critiques and reviews are how we improve, is it not? So how to differentiate the good (constructive) critique from the bad? I haven't figured that out yet...

He [John Bradshaw] says that criticism is the way to interpersonally transfer shame onto another person and makes the distinction between feedback (feedback is high quality sensory based observation without interpretation) and criticism (a subjective interpretation based on one person's experience and grounded in that person's personal history. As such, it is not very useful).