I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore

[Bach]

I don't think I ever really knew, but when I was younger I had at least some kind of idea.  I had a few labels I could hang on myself that felt worthwhile, that felt like they could meaningfully define me in some positive way.  I had things I wanted, things I expected, things I truly enjoyed.  I haven't got anything like that now.  All I am now is a shell filled with former selves.

[Cascade]

Oh, Bach, I hear every word you're saying about this. 

I feel very much the same.  I don't know why, but it seems like the more I learn about myself and all the former selves inside the empty shell of me, maybe it doesn't really match the ideas I tried to believe about myself when I was in denial about everything, just trying to "succeed" and be the best person I could be.  I'm just thinking out loud as I'm writing here.

I had a few labels I could hang on myself that felt worthwhile, that felt like they could meaningfully define me in some positive way.

It's so hard to get away from labels and down to our identities.  Who am I?  A woman?  A teacher?  A scientist?  Yes, I have been all of these.  They can change, though.  Well, the gender identity is pretty firm!  Anyway, my therapist talked me through using values instead of labels to define my self-identity.  First I picked ten from a list of values, then narrowed down to five, then to three.  For me, those were love, inner strength, and integrity.  I try to remember to stop and ask myself if what I'm doing aligns with those... or if what I'm believing or telling myself aligns with those.  It's an exercise right now.  I'm not 100% convinced that values is the way to go with self-identity, though.  It feels like I am so much more than values.

Maybe it's the little eternal spark of higher self or soul that Chart talked about.

I'm learning in therapy that I have 3 "layers": The body, the emotions, the intellect. They all interact, but the element that connects the three is what could be called the "soul". This is the center, the being that is me, my true inner "self". My therapist has explained that this inner spark is indestructible and eternal.

I look forward to discovering who you are, Bach, along with myself and the rest of us here.  You know what?... It's okay that we don't know.  Thank you for posting this and putting "yourself" out there (pun intended!).  I just see someone compassionately trying to figure themselves out.  We can do this, together.
  -Cascade


P.S.  I just had another thought as a possibility.  Maybe by looking for ourselves, we are finding the best parts... the parts that can love, be compassionate, etc., and they are so foreign that we can't recognize them.  To me, it kinda feels like whoever I am, I am changing by going through whatever this process is we're going through here.

[Armee]

It's tricky for sure Bach. I often feel like an empty shell filled with trauma responses. I don't love that IFS asks for the true SELF to lead because I feel the same as you...what is my true self? The things I consider to be who I am are all reactions to how I grew up and the yucky experiences I've had. All the way down to kindness and honesty. True self when there are multiple versions of the 46yr old me? Which one is the true self? Anyway just saying I can relate and I get frustrated by it too. 

[rainydiary]

I resonate with this Bach. 

[Hope67]

  to you Bach. 

[Bach]

I'm sooooooooooooo lost in here 

[Blueberry]

Bach, I'm so sorry. I can only send good OOTS energy from here at the forum hugs   ignore if too close. Idk what else to say or do.

[Bach]

Thank you, Blueberry    And Cascade, and Armee, and rainy and Hope.    I'm really in a deep pit right now, looking for a way out, not seeing it at the moment but still believing it's there. 

[Armee]

I'm sorry you are stuck down there.

I think I see some footholds in your pit. 

The first one it looks like your foot is already on...just accepting it's OK you're there, and the next one too....that there's a way out even if you can see it yet.

Hang on and write about it here, when you can. 

[Papa Coco]

Bach,

I so easily resonate with how you're feeling. I wish I could fly out to your city just to give you a real hug, but thankfully, the emojis are here and take a lot less travel time.

   

When my oldest son almost died from cancer, I picked up a bunch of "Cancer sucks" stickers for all my vehicles. Now I feel like maybe having some made up that say "Trauma SUCKS!" And plaster them all over my car. Sometimes just lashing out like that is all I can do. Trauma SUCKS! Period.

[StartingHealing]

Bach,

Totally savvy.  Some of my backstory.

 According to the official records I was placed with a family at 9 months, and the legal paperwork was completed.. 6 months later. Wasn't genetically related to me at all.  Nothing 'gelled' I didn't sound like them, talk like them, like what they liked, interested in what they were interested in.  Course the "jokes" didn't help.  "Oh, we found you in the cabbage patch" and the gaslighting "Your mother loved you so much she gave you up."  *??

Not to mention the dogma that was force fed to me. 

I get it Bach. 

Having a safe place to let all the "stuff" inside tumble out is really helps. 

Wishing you all the best   

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're stuck in that pit. I'm sure there is a way out. It can take a while to find it though. Sometimes you find it by scouring every inch of the pit until you stumble across it. Sometimes you find it by sitting still, very still, and waiting until your eyes adjust to the gloom, or your skin feels a tiny draught from the exit passageway. If one method doesn't work, therefore, please take comfort from knowing there are others. It isn't hopeless. However you find the way out, I hope you find it soon.

 

[sanmagic7]

thinking of you, bach, even if you're still in that pit. sending lots of pos. energy your way.  hope to see you soon.  love and hugs

[Chart]

Last entry August 21st... That seems like an eternity ago. Bach I hope with all my heart you're doing better.

My only input I feel could count for anything is that I've recently opened up to a little spirituality. Looking for something greater that also encompasses me and my existence. There's rumor amongst the physicians and cosmologists that every black hole is another universe... and that we ourselves are the product of an immense event horizon beyond our observable limits.
https://youtu.be/A8bBhkhZtd8?si=Z20AP2K8p3NT76L2
Does that help? Oddly for me it does. It means that there are things that are literally beyond my understanding that still need to be sorted through. One of those things is Life itself, and thus my life. My severe "dysfunction" simply must have a significance. It's all I can believe. And I want to know what it might be.

Does this help? I can well imagine, no, it doesn't help. Or maybe not much. I don't know. All I know is that your words echo inside me too. I feel your sadness and struggle and so wish I could do something... for both of us.
Sending love. Sending hope.

[Bach]

Who am I? 

I am a person who has squandered her potential and disappointed herself to the extreme.