I Am

[dollyvee]

Hi Bach,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's understandable why you would have those intrusive thoughts after having gone through something like that.

It's interesting reading back my comment on NK's post about her mother's behaviour and then reading Armee's comment under mine. I felt like I was vigilant in pointing out, or being on guard from a deliberate behaviour, while Armee likened dealing with Narcs as toddlers and I reflected on my comment. Was I being paranoid about someone's motives when maybe they had no idea what they were doing? It's interesting how it took me back to the many years of my life when I thought I must be imagining it, or felt crazy for feeling this way when, as you say, there were no "outright" forms of abuse. But after reading your post, I see it's not so crazy to feel that way, and that there is a reason for it.

Sending you support,
dolly

[sanmagic7]

if it's one thing i learned in therapy, bach, it's that the more covert the abuse might have been, the more of an impact it might have made on the psyche.  my T told me over and over that the mental/emotional abuse, the 'hidden' abuse, can be all the more damaging and long-lasting cuz, for one thing, as you say, it's so hard to pinpoint.  ugh! 

i'm glad for you that you've been able to at least hang onto one aspect of what happened and see it for what it truly was.  it's a start, for sure.  love and hugs

[Bach]

NK, you're right that my mother was not always deliberate in her abuse.  In fact, probably not even most of the time.  There certainly was plenty of malice, but probably not all that much aforethought.  I don't think she ever thought to herself "Oh, yeah, I'm going to hurt B now".  I don't think she really thought about me very much at all, I just was, I was there, and she didn't like me much, but not to where I was much worth thinking about unless I was actively causing her trouble.  I don't think most of the time I was even really a person to her.  I was more like some kind of appendage.  Something that showed up one day, something that was a little unwieldy and not really welcome, but not life-threatening, and more difficult to get rid of than it was to work around.  Like a tail, or an extra pinky or something.  My inner child still believes I was disgusting and deserved it all.

dollyvee and san, thank you for your comments and support.  I appreciate the validation.  But I also hate it.  It all feels so inescapable.  I feel caught between my desire and my efforts to feel healthy and whole, and the fact that such feelings aren't safe.  It's not that I want to be miserable.  It's that nothing else is safe. 

[Chart]

I identify with this a lot. A lot... Also trying to get my head around it all. It's really really hard.

[Bach]

My mother texted me yesterday to see how my medical procedure on Thursday went.  She lost interest immediately when it turned out not to be cancer.  It was never actually expected to be cancer, but I guess she couldn't help but get her hopes up. Once again I have disappointed her by being fundamentally healthy and sound instead of having a terrible medical problem.

[Chart]

Bach, your mother strikes me as being highly toxic...

[sanmagic7]

o bach, that sounds awful, to be disappointing to your M cuz there's nothing terribly wrong w/ you.  i'm very glad for you that there isn't, and i'd much rather hear that than the other.  these twisted thought processes can really do a number on us.  ugh.  sending love and a hug filled w/ happiness for you.

[Armee]

 

They are so sick these people we were raised by. This is yet more proof. Imagine managing this behavior as a child given how hard it is now that we are away from it and we have the knowledge we have.

[Bach]

Chart, san and Armee, thank you for your replies.  The really painful part of this that I wasn't able to express in my previous post is that I recognise from childhood that feeling of disappointing my mother by being fundamentally healthy and sound. 

When I was growing up, my mother was deeply invested in the idea that there was something wrong with me.  Early childhood-me remembers it as "She was always taking me to doctors".  I don't have any specific memory of conditions or symptoms that were being looked into.  Nothing was ever found.  And there was the thing with me being constipated when I was maybe 10 or 11.  One day there was blood on the toilet paper after I went to the bathroom.  I told my mother and she was very concerned.  She took me to the doctor.  He wasn't concerned about anything serious, but told her she should monitor my BMs and feed me a better diet.  I remember her impatience with those instructions.  I remember her brushing me off when I reported a blood-free but very painful BM not long after that doctor visit, and I remember her once telling me not to eat a banana because it would make me constipated.  But most of all, I remember her saying she didn't want to hear about any of it anymore. "I wash my hands of your s***", said she.  That was an expression my stepfather liked to use.  I guess she thought that was funny because there was actual s*** involved.  I guess that's a good example of what caused the powerful drive I have to be weak and vulnerable that is constantly dragging down my better self's efforts to improve, feel self-love, be comfortable with being alive.  And I guess this is why I only feel safe with sickness and misery, and even when I manage to feel healthy and good I can never sustain it for very long. 

Oh and by the way, the constipation that my mother didn't take seriously is still a problem for me.  It might not have been a cancer that was going to kill me, but it certainly has made huge swaths of my life feel like they weren't worth living.   

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with this medical stuff, Bach. I can sympathise with your stories.

But reminding of the present moment, I want to say that I think you deserve to be healthy, and that you are safe to be this way. Doesn't matter what your M thinks you might deserve, doesn't matter what we think we deserve ourselves, we all have the right to be in good health.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

how horrible, bach, that the way to get 'positive' attention from your M was to be truly ill, and that it continues to cause problems for  you to this day, especially w/ the idea that it's now difficult for you to become healthy and whole.  it still amazes me how these terrible messages we experienced as kids continue to mess up our lives as adults. 

i sincerely hope you are able to navigate out of these treacherous waters eventually in order to be comfortable w/ feeling healthy and alive.  you deserve health and well-being. love and hugs, always

[Chart]

Once again an example of narcissistic projection. I believe your mother was projecting. As apposed to recognizing that it was her with the problem, she imagined and put all her negative energy into you, Bach. It's twisted not to be thankful for good news from a medical professional. Instead she was disappointed her "theory" didn't hold up... again!

Bach, I hope with all my heart that you can change this "story". You deserve so much love and healthy attention. I'm thinking of you and feeling deeply the wonderful child you were and are. Sending love and hope for finding everything you deserve inside yourself and from good caring others.
-chart
  

[Bach]

Aphotic, san and Chart, as always, thank you for your replies.  I agree with all of you that I do deserve to be healthy and whole, and that my mother's desire for me to be sick or dead is her own evil illness and does not make me an unworthy person.  The problem is, I cannot figure out how to get out from under the shadow of this wish of hers.  I already know all the "whys".  I already know that my mother is a very twisted individual, she is bad and wrong and a narcissistic sociopath and none of it was my fault.  But I guess deep down some part of me doesn't believe it, and I haven't found a way to convince it.  IS there a way?  That's the $64 million dollar question. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Aphotic, san and Chart, as always, thank you for your replies.  I agree with all of you that I do deserve to be healthy and whole, and that my mother's desire for me to be sick or dead is her own evil illness and does not make me an unworthy person.  The problem is, I cannot figure out how to get out from under the shadow of this wish of hers.  I already know all the "whys".  I already know that my mother is a very twisted individual, she is bad and wrong and a narcissistic sociopath and none of it was my fault.  But I guess deep down some part of me doesn't believe it, and I haven't found a way to convince it.  IS there a way?  That's the $64 million dollar question. 

I know exactly what you mean. We could tell ourselves a million times over the facts and reassurances, understand the reasons behind it all, understand why we are worth the care. But somehow there's always a little feeling that doubts, a snippet that succumbs to the darker whispers.  I unfortunately have yet to figure out how to silence that shadow; I wonder perhaps does it simply go away with enough time? Or do we just learn how to ignore it?

Either way, I wish it'll quieten for you soon.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Bach, I hesitate to suggest yet another "new" technique... but I'll throw it out there just in case. I've been doing the Sedona Method for about a month at the instigation of my therapist. I've written about it on the forum somewhere, can't remember where... my journal? Anyway, it's still too early to tell but I have felt some interesting changes in the "story" that's  been running in my head for over a year. What I think is interesting with the method is the aspect of both "going back to the pain" AND "letting go". It's like the involuntary repetition starts to become voluntary, thus a certain amount if control starts to set in... I find this very similar to "staying" with our feelings which is so often recommended... anyway, if this doesn't interest just ignore