I Am

[sanmagic7]

that question is worth $64 million and more, bach. i don't know if it might help you w/ this, but i've sometimes decided to simply wallow in the thoughts - no matter what they were or who they were about - and it's helped calm the rough edges to the messages, and sometimes to even disappear them, at least for a while.  it seemed the more i fought against it, the harder they'd hit me.

otherwise, if it helps, i can keep telling you you're worth being here, you're worth being healthy and whole, and you are someone, by virtue of your caring and kindness to others, who absolutely deserves health and well-being, no matter what you may have been taught or shown.  those messages were wrong and didn't come from a place of happy and love. they were the mistake and the shame, not you.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Friends, thank you as always, for your replies, for being here, for telling me things I need to hear even though they make me uncomfortable and make me want to argue with them.  Chart, I have heard of the Sedona method and looked it up a year or two ago, but I didn't really understand it.  Reading your journal post about it didn't clear it up, but san said something above that seems to be along the same lines:

...i've sometimes decided to simply wallow in the thoughts - no matter what they were or who they were about - and it's helped calm the rough edges to the messages, and sometimes to even disappear them, at least for a while.  it seemed the more i fought against it, the harder they'd hit me.

I found a website about the Sedona method that I'm going to dig into later when I have more time, see what's up with that and if there's anything there that can help me.

This morning I was thinking about the lesson that I hope I've learned from this most recent run-in with my mother's irredeemable horribleness; to never tell her anything about my health until after it's over, if even then.  I don't know why I felt I needed my mother's attention that day that test that was no big deal suddenly became kind of a big deal, but wow did I pay for that little bit of motherly whatever it was, which wasn't even that good when I got it. 

I paid three times:  The first time, when I thought back on the supposedly nurturing conversation I'd had with her and noticed the barbs hiding among the ersatz concern.  The second time a week later, two weeks before the procedure and well into the "not worrying about it for now", phase when she popped off an enquiry as to how I was "coping with waiting" for the procedure after some fun casual texting about the baseball playoffs.  And then, of course, the day after the procedure.  That was the toxic dose, coming as it did when I was in a weakened state and vulnerable.  Maybe the lesson I need to learn here is bigger than just "don't tell her about my health".  Maybe the real lesson is "NO.  You do NOT need that woman's attention."

[Armee]

 

That's a good (though sad) and true lesson to hold onto. Tape it to your phone. 😉

[Bach]

Armee 

I'm glad that most of my conversations with my mother take place over text these days.  That way if I ever doubt myself, all I have to do is look back in my message history to know that I'm not the crazy one. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

This morning I was thinking about the lesson that I hope I've learned from this most recent run-in with my mother's irredeemable horribleness; to never tell her anything about my health until after it's over, if even then.  I don't know why I felt I needed my mother's attention that day

I think it may be one of human's most annoying traits, hah... even though we know from history that talking to our family usually leads to bad outcomes, we for some reason still have these irresistible urges to talk to them? I guess we have an inherent nature in us that we want to be cared for by the beings who raised us but alas, that instinct doesn't seem to comprehend the realities of the situation most times.

I'm glad that most of my conversations with my mother take place over text these days.  That way if I ever doubt myself, all I have to do is look back in my message history to know that I'm not the crazy one.

The wonders of technology, huh? Yay.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

bach, it took me a long time to realize, and then even longer to act on that realization, that my D1 was someone i didn't need in my life anymore.  it's been many years since she and i have interacted at all, and what helps me w/ that is remembering how i've felt, what she said or did to make me feel so awful.  nope, she's not necessary to my life.  i hope you can eventually get to a similar place w/ your M.

you don't deserve such behavior from anyone.  someone here said something to the effect that others have used our kindness against us.  that really rang a bell for me.  i do not like how your M treats you.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I also find it helps to keep a record of what has been said. I try to journal the gist of the verbal discussions and visits, too. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this garbage.

 

[dollyvee]

Bach I feel like I get what you're going through. What t and I have been discussing is the idea of doing whatever it took as a child to maintain the relationship that I needed to survive as a child. I think sometimes it's easier to see things a certain way, or necessary really, as a child in order to maintain that relationship. For example, I couldn't see that they were in the wrong for how they treated me, for how awful my m could be to me, and I mean this as intentional. As a child it was difficult to see that my m would willingly hurt me to make herself feel better. I couldn't see it. I had to be the helpless, unsuccessful comatose/whatever one, so that I wouldn't feel her wrath or jealousy. I was also taught that me being ill made my gm feel better about herself, and I was willing to preserve that relationship too.

I've had this 64 million dollar question too. I feel like what's helped, and is still helping, is to recognize those moments of adult consciousness over child consciousness. This sounds really vague, and it is, but I think becoming aware of, and giving credit to, the things that I have accomplished or am accomplishing helps and builds over time. Like, "I am an adult that's paying my bills," or "I have made headway in certain areas, or even small things." I think the challenge is to become aware when the critical voices come in regarding those things, however small they may be, and recognize that that's not you because they're going to come up.

NARM has been helpful with this process because my internal sense of knowing is supported and I'm not having to "justify" things, and be in the position I was growing up when I felt like no one believed me. I can look it up, and I honestly didn't finish the book, but there was an exercise in The Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (?) that asked you to name five things that you can do well and they went into a list. I felt like I couldn't name any, or I would think of something and then question if i could really do that thing, or if I did, it wasn't up to x standard. I can start recognizing that those weren't my voices. IMO whatever you can do to start giving yourself space from those "voices" etc, do it. Just recognizing in the moment when they're happening, and to label what it going on, and that it's separate from you, is helpful.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Larry]

 

[Bach]

I wish I wasn't so afraid of death.  Not so I could die right now or anything, but just so I could feel like there will be a way out some day.  Sort of like how having a bottle of klonopin handy makes it easier to tolerate my anxiety without actually taking it. I feel so trapped between the often intolerable pain of life, and the fear of death.  I think life would hurt less if I didn't feel stuck here.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry things feel so bleak for you right now, Bach. I understand that feeling of being trapped, feeling like there's nothing we can do to ward off the fear of both existence and non-existence. A if you're comfortable with that.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, bach.  love and hugs