I Am

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I am also sending good thoughts your way.  Sending you a hug as well 
I hope that the blustery cold winds will calm soon.
Hope

[Bach]

I'm so tired of myself.  Why can't I just be the person I want to be?

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, bach.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

 

[Bach]

I was very depressed for about 5 months.  Then I started feeling better around mid-December and I was really conscious of and grateful for getting a break from my intrusive death-wishing thoughts.  But in the last few days, without much of anything external changing, those thoughts have come back strong and it's painful again to be conscious.  I don't know why or how to fix it.  Unless it really is because of the swimming pool being closed.  I'm not sure if the lift in my mood coincided with when I started going to the pool regularly, but it may have.  I suppose I could try doing some other kind of exercise until the pool reopens, but it's really hard because swimming is the only thing that doesn't hurt. 

[Chart]

I'm sorry you're feeling those intense feelings again, Bach. The link with exercise seems pretty indicative. This might be a short-term substitute until the pool reopens: Progressive muscle relaxation. It's only fifteen minutes (and I love his light German accent :-)
https://youtu.be/jqqqZDSojoQ?si=5QexxP2J4xRdW2Ah
If it's not your thing feel free ti ignore, but I hope it might help. It's helping me a lot.