I Am

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I am also sending good thoughts your way.  Sending you a hug as well 
I hope that the blustery cold winds will calm soon.
Hope

[Bach]

I'm so tired of myself.  Why can't I just be the person I want to be?

[Chart]

 

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, bach.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

 

[Bach]

I was very depressed for about 5 months.  Then I started feeling better around mid-December and I was really conscious of and grateful for getting a break from my intrusive death-wishing thoughts.  But in the last few days, without much of anything external changing, those thoughts have come back strong and it's painful again to be conscious.  I don't know why or how to fix it.  Unless it really is because of the swimming pool being closed.  I'm not sure if the lift in my mood coincided with when I started going to the pool regularly, but it may have.  I suppose I could try doing some other kind of exercise until the pool reopens, but it's really hard because swimming is the only thing that doesn't hurt. 

[Chart]

I'm sorry you're feeling those intense feelings again, Bach. The link with exercise seems pretty indicative. This might be a short-term substitute until the pool reopens: Progressive muscle relaxation. It's only fifteen minutes (and I love his light German accent :-)
https://youtu.be/jqqqZDSojoQ?si=5QexxP2J4xRdW2Ah
If it's not your thing feel free ti ignore, but I hope it might help. It's helping me a lot.
 

[Bach]

I functioned very well today despite feeling like garbage. That's something to take hope from and build on.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[SenseOrgan]

Hi Bach, just barging in here... Functioning well despite feeling garbage feels a bit like magic, doesn't it? I've had a few of those days too here and there. It's really empowering that feeling like garbage does not have the last say in everything! 

[Bach]

Hi Bach, just barging in here... Functioning well despite feeling garbage feels a bit like magic, doesn't it? I've had a few of those days too here and there. It's really empowering that feeling like garbage does not have the last say in everything! 

It does feel like magic!  If I could do that every day, I'd really have something going on here.

[sanmagic7]

bach, if it doesn't happen every day, i hope that magic returns at least once in a while, and then more and more often.  if it helps, it helps, and there's nothing wrong w/ that at all.  here's to magic in our lives!  love and hugs

[Bach]

The noise in my head is really loud these days.  I have so much trouble doing anything above the very bare minimum that my living with and having responsibilities to another human requires of me.  I can't seem to do much to help myself.  Can't get out of freeze.  I think that I've been in a semi-freeze state for most of my life, and that the floods froze me up completely.  I worry that it's for life, just the way I am now.  Nothing gets me out of it anymore, not even cannabis.

[Blueberry]

Hi Bach

I'm sorry you have such a loud noise in your head! And I'm sorry you're struggling on account. I don't feel I have anything helpful to say but I smiled internally when I saw you'd been on and posted.

  

[NarcKiddo]