Sunshine and warmth

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hello everyone.
My name is Sunshineandwarmth. Sunshine because it makes me feel happy, warmth because I associate love with warmth. Something I've hardly ever experienced.
So I have a father, a mother, a brother and a younger sister.
My father says family is for forever, nobody can break this bond. He did the following
Beat up my mother.
Slapped her several times.
Cursed at her, her parents.
Disrespected her in public settings.
Told me it is okay to continue being on good terms with my abusers. Forces me to meet them.
Beat my autistic brother up, slapped him across the face, told him to get out of the house and earn for himself. He is on the spectrum and he also has intellectual disabilities.
Slapped my sister twice, for talking back at him.
I have C- PTSD and I have dissociation disorders. He says I'm manipulative and I put up this act to get money out of him.
He cut off relations with my maternal uncle because he was living with a woman (he's conservative).
He didn't cut off relations with his side of the family, even when I told him they sexually molested me. He said it is okay. People make mistakes.
Humiliates me everyday, in every conversation.
Nothing is ever his fault, it is somehow mine. If my phone was stolen, it was because I wasn't careful. If I'm sick its because I stress out way too much and because I'm ungrateful to what God has given me.
If I'm not passing my classes, I'm stupid.
If I'm standing up for myself, I'm argumentative.
If I'm asking for something, I'm selfish.
If I tell him he's hurting me, he tells me to shut the * up. If I say something in my favour, he tells me that I'm spoiled.
When I was really sick, he didn't care.
When I was dying, he didn't care.
When we were home alone, stared at my breasts and wouldn't take eyes off them.
When I was small, would slap me on the butt. He would compare me to a sheep, because they have larger butts. He would call me a sheep.
Looks at my butt now, or in the front.
Says all men do the same. It is me who isn't covering herself enough.
When one of my uncles, felt me up, he was right there. He was smiling. He didn't say anything. Later on he said, I must've given them a hint for them to do that.
Threatens to beat me up on a daily basis.
But he also did the following:
Held his best friend's daughter's hand during her surgery.
Helpful to everyone except his family.
Helped his friends find jobs and invested into business with them.
Very philanthropic.
Says it is human to help other people and he is a human being.
Says the nicest things, the most soft spoken words, exact opposite actions.
Outside of our house, nobody knows about this side of him. We are not allowed to tell anyone. I suspect he might kill us if we do. I'm not sure if he would. But knowing him, nothing is beyond him. The only thing that he loves is the money that he has. We're financially dependent on him, and he knows we can't go anywhere. So he does that to us.
Spews hatred against my mother and her side of the family into my mind, whenever there is no one around.
The worst part is, he was my bestfriend my entire life. I had never loved anyone as a child as much as I loved him. It hurts because I loved someone who never even existed. It hurts because I'd never loved myself and he never did either. Atleast it seems like that. I'm the most valuable thing to him in the world, and he treats me like garbage. He just threatened me half an hour ago. Said if you put me down in front of anyone or interfere in my business, I'll tell you what being put down is.
I'm called stupid every single day.
He said when I was born, I was ugly. That I'm fat and like a potato sack. He would call me that for a really long time. Said it was out of his love for me.
Says he's the best father ever.
I'm not allowed to confront or argue with him. He said he'd break open my jaw if I did that.
He said I'm so disrespectful he is tempted to throw a shoe on my face.
He did it to my mother, hit her on the head.
He says everyone is like him, and people make mistakes, you have to live with family. You cannot throw someone out of your life.
My mother doesn't feel anything, or say anything, or listen to anything. She's a living corpse. I feel so sorry for all of us.
Sometimes I think this is not real. It is in my mind. But the pain in my chest, the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes, they remind me it is very real.
For a long time, I never wanted to love or be loved ever again. And I thought all families are like that. Until I shared it with my friends and I realized no mine is abusive. Thank God I realized that.
How can someone say they love you and change none of their behaviour when you tell them they've hurt you?
How can someone be so nice outside of the house and a monster when there's no audience to watch?
How can someone hurt an autistic child with impaired cognition and ask him to get out of his house to earn money?
How can someone give me 30 dollars a month and expect me to pay for my gym, my clothes, accessories, books with it?
How can someone spend thousands on literal strangers when his daughter is broke?
He says he's doing all of this to teach us how life is. So we're prepared to protect ourselves against what life throws at us. I don't need to be protected from life, I need to be protected from him.
Now, I just hope that my last year of college goes smoothly, and then I'll leave. I'll do something for my mother, brother and sister. I can't leave them. I don't hurt/manipulate/leave the people I love behind. This is where him and I are different. There's another difference, we feed, he hunts down his preys and rips them apart.
I just hope someone comes along that loves me like its breathing, because I don't think I'm easy to love. And I also hope I have the capacity to accept that love and give it back. For once in my life, I want to feel loved. Cared for. Important. Worthy. Like I exist. Like I'm somebody's entire universe. Like I'm beautiful. Like them telling me my laughter is as sweet as honey. That my voice is breezy. That they love me because I exist. Because I'm me.
Is that too much to ask for?

[Papa Coco]

SunshineandWarmth,

Welcome to the forum. Your introduction is packed with a lot. I'm glad you took the time to really lay it all out. It breaks my heart to hear that this narcissistic sociopath is still in your life, and I understand the conundrum you're in that you don't want to abandon your whole family just to put a safe distance between yourself and this monster.

I like your name. I like why you chose it. You are using that name to connect with the part of you that truly desires sunshine and warmth.

This forum provides a lot of moral support and connection with fellow humans who, by and large, all feel like we aren't lovable. And all because of the people who raised us making it very clear that they thought we were unlovable. It's not true. We're all deserving of love and connection. You are as deserving of sunshine and warmth as is any human being alive. That's the truth, but it's just hard for us to really embrace that truth. It's good to remember always that the suffering is not because we are unlovable, but because of the trauma that reminds us that someone once lied and told us we were unlovable. Reality is there, but hard to see through the trauma storm that we're in.

Your father's ability to be super kind to the community and vicious to his family is the way of the narcissist. Looking like a good person is everything. Being a good person means absolutely nothing. The one thing a bully hates the most is being stood up to, so narcissistic bullies go to great extremes to train us to never stand up to them. This is absolutely about them, not about us. We were abused because we're good people. They abuse because they are not good people. Since they are the only important person in the world to themselves, then every word they speak about anyone is actually a confession about themself. If they accuse you of anything at all, they're confessing to their own crimes but substituting their name with yours.

While I'm feeling so offended by what he does to you and your family, I'm also impressed by your ability to see it. Naturally, healing starts with first understanding the problem. It took me a long time to fully understand where my family was lying to me. I wasted a lot of years trying to fit into the mold they'd told me to fit into.

I'm very glad you found this forum. It's a place where people rally around each other, offering up support, validating the pain, sometimes offering up suggestions or answering questions from their own experiences.  It's safe and warm here and I sincerely hope you are able to feel that, so that we can help you access some sunshine and warmth while you deal with the reality that your family is under the rule of a narcissistic monster.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, Sunshineandwarmth. Your experiences touched me deeply, and I feel great sorrow for what you've been through. I also have a father who is insidious at home but a model citizen when interacting with the outside. I've found that kind of dynamic to be especially difficult because nobody knows what is going on in the background, hidden by a facade of lies and fake smiles. I understand how suffocating and lonely it is to be hurt, threatened, trapped, and forced to be quiet. I hope you're able to get to a safe environment ASAP, but I know how daunting and difficult that effort can feel. You deserve love, safety, and warmth. Wishing you well.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

PapaCoco,
Sometimes I wonder how beautiful it must feel to have a loving father. How beautiful it must be to be loved unconditionally. To be loved for who I am.
Your response made me feel loved, it made me feel like I am important.
Thank you.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Aphotic,
Are you feeling sad for me?
Woah, no one's ever told me that before. I never knew anyone would understand. It feels like someone actually cares about me.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through.  I hope that you encounter love that's so healthy and fulfilling, your heart swells with it, your eyes shine and your eyes brighten.
A love that kisses the scars.
A love that shines brighter than the stars.
I'm a romantic as you might've guessed by now.
Thank you for understanding me.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome to OOTS Sunshineandwarmth, I hope you feel the warmth you're looking for here.

So glad to hear you believe in all good things for yourself, that's a big step in recovery. Many of us come here feeling worthless and undeserving of any good things in life so keep on going, you are on the right track!

    

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hello Kizzie!
Thank you very much for such a heart-warming message.
I feel like I belong somewhere finally. I feel understood here.
I feel safe here.

[NarcKiddo]

"We are not allowed to tell anyone." That resonates.

Hang in there - I'm glad to read you have a plan to get out of your situation as soon as you can.

Welcome to OOTS.

[WeAreAllAPartOfUniverse]

Sunshine and warmth,

I'm so sorry for everything, what you are going through!
There is so much resonating with me. I come from a perfect-to-the-outside family with a narcicisstic abusive father, too.

Keep in mind, the narcissistic abusers want to make us feel unlovable, so that they can control us. They want us to feel small, so that they can feel bigger.
You are lovable. You are worthy. Period.

I am glad, that you found this forum. I am new here too, but can tell you already, that this is a safe space, with loads of people, who know exactly what you are talking about and happy to support.

I keep my fingers crossed for your last year at home and

wishing you a warm welcome here