Calming myself down

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hello everyone.
I'm not doing okay. Every time my father is at home, I'm terrified. I'm so scared of him. My brain goes numb when he gaslights, humiliates or threatens me. My throat goes dry, and my chest constricts even at the thought of having him around. He never gives a definite answer, always evasive. He says I'm a selfish child, a predator that preys on everyone. He says I'm preying on him and my mother. He says I'm judgemental and stupid. We were home alone and he asked to sleep in my room because he thought I'd get scared. I'm 22. The only person I'm scared of is him. The only person I need prltection from is him. When I am dissociated and in regression, he says I'm being dramatic and manipulative because I want something from him. I'm just scared if I told anyone he would kill me. I'm so so scared. If I stand up to him, who knows what's he gonna do to my mother. If I stand upto him, he'll probably stop paying for my college and throw me out of the house. I have nowhere to go. As long as I submit to him, I'm safe. I'm tired. I'm so tired of all of this. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do anymore, I have one year of college left. I feel like, if I don't get out now, I won't be able to get out ever. This is so painful. I want out. I can't focus on my college, my health is deteriorating and I can't even breathe around him.
Please suggest anything that would help.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry SunshineandWarmth! What your F is doing is DARVO: "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender". It's a horrible, devastating tactic. I'm now in my 50's but 30 years ago I was going thru something similar, where I also still lived with FOO while I was at university.
 

I'm just scared if I told anyone he would kill me. I'm so so scared.   

This sentence of yours stands out particularly to me.
I was also terrified of telling anybody outside the family in case that got leaked back to FOO somehow. BUT you have a RIGHT to tell somebody outside the family and get help. I don't know what country you are in (don't tell me, that's your private information) but I have gathered here on the forum that colleges and universities usually have confidential support persons for students in whatever type of difficulties. There may even be a specific one for women suffering domestic violence. If things are so bad, you can't concentrate on your degree any more, that's something your college needs to know. Just as these days there is far more support for students with learning disabilities or similar, there is also for students in emergency situations like yours. It's certainly worth asking, even if just to give you a deadline extension. You are over 18, whatever you would say is confidential. Nobody will hear about it, certainly not your parents, but not anybody else either.

There may be counselling at your college and even if it's not trauma-informed, it might be worth trying out anyway as just somewhere where you can speak in confidence about what's going on at home and how terrified you are. They might also have concrete suggestions about how to alleviate some of the terror you feel, even if it's just 10% alleviation, that's better than nothing ime. When I was at university, Masters students in Psychology did counselling and it was certainly better than nothing. It was also free of charge.

From our website there is also https://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency  I'm not sure if it's all up-to-date, no time to check, sorry.

If you're terrified of being killed, your therapist needs to know that. Maybe s/he does, maybe you've told him/her. If s/he hasn't already suggested it, a woman's shelter might be a possibility, so you can get away, altho there are probably waiting lists, but might be worth a try.

Please excuse me if you've tried all these already or they just don't suit your situation. It's hard to help somebody on a forum in a concrete way.

[Kizzie]

SunshineandWarmth, in most countries there are laws against coercive control which is what it sounds like your F is doing to you and your M. You may want to check the law where you live and perhaps this will offer you and your M a way out of what you are living with currently. Your life is precious and not to be wasted living in fear.

[Papa Coco]

SunshineAndWarmth,

I like Kizzie's suggestion.

My understanding of people like your father is that there is NO CURE for what they are. All the books I've read, written by psychologists and Harvard professors, advise to get away from someone like him. It's understandable that you are not in a position to get away from him right now, but I hope that by truly understanding what an inhuman monster he is and always will be, at least helps you to understand that this is ALL HIM and not you. It's very difficult to not internalize what our parents tell us we are, but in this case, every word your father speaks is about himself. Not you. Narcissistic sickos are simple. Every word they speak is either a lie or a confession. When he says you are trying to manipulate your mom and siblings, he's confessing to how he is manipulating your mom and siblings. These monsters have a very loose connection to truth. They're so stupid that they believe that the truth is whatever they want it to be. 

Coco and I have started binge-watching some of those real-life cop shows where cameras document a day in the life of a street cop. One of the cities, sadly, is mine. Last night we could see our house in one of the confrontations cops were having with someone across the street. We've been noticing more than ever, that all the "badguys" that these cops deal with on a daily basis all do exactly what you say your Father does. They lie to the cops. They won't answer any question directly. They pretend they don't hear the cops. They answer a question with another question. They accuse other people instead of take responsibility. They try to accuse the cops of being unfair. They lie. They lie. They lie. They are exactly like what you describe your father to be. A few years ago I wouldn't have been able to watch these shows because my abusers, elder siblings, wife's siblings, etc, were just like these creeps. My sibs and my wife's sib would lie and lie and lie and wouldn't answer any question with a direct answer. They'd hold secret after secret, because they wanted control over what I knew so they could keep being horrible, dangerous, thieves and monsters. My wife's sibling killed himself in a drunk driving incident so he's out of our lives now. As for my sibs, I had to go 100% No Contact with the entire family in 2010 just so I could survive my life. During the early years of having left them, I couldn't have watched these cop shows because I would have been driven insane by these bad people who were just as insane as my siblings and churches were. But after 14 years of not having anyone like that in my life, I'm starting to find myself more able to witness others behaving as badly without feeling forced to be connected to them.

Losing my connection to evil is defusing its power over my emotions.

I guess I could say that once you are finally able to escape this monster, time and energy could maybe begin to make things a bit better. We all have the right to choose whether we want to seek help, or just live in our traumas. Seeking help isn't a quick fix, but it does produce improvement. Some people just choose to live their lives distracting from what they go through, but those of us here on the forum are the ones who are looking for improvement. I sincerely hope that the connections we're able to make with one another here are helpful to everyone as we all struggle to find our own sense of compassionate, loving self, out of the craziness that was done TO us, (not by us, but TO us).

Connection is key. I choose to connect with loving people now. I no longer believe I'm required to connect with the sickos just because they are my dad or my mom or my sibling or my boss or my neighbor. As long as I don't feel like I'm supposed to connect with them, then when I witness them behaving like angry toddlers, I no longer feel like they are right in any way. Politicians, car thieves, billionaires, and all the other lowest forms of life on earth are wrong. Now I know how to tell when they are lying: It's because their mouths are moving. That's how I know they're lying. I know that now. Sociopathy and narcissism are WRONG. I do NOT have to let myself be like them.  I can emotionally disconnect from them even when they are still physically in my life...for now.

Sadly, they still exist, and some of them still have power over me, (Narcissistic bosses and politicians can still make my life miserable at times) but I don't have to connect emotionally with them anymore. That's a big help in my own mind. I call them monsters because to me a monster is something that can't be controlled or reasoned with and is catastrophically dangerous and unpredictable. That's why I chose the word Monster to define narcissistic sociopaths.

For a while I held to a theory that narcissistic sociopaths had no soul. But then I read The Seat of the Soul, by Gary Zukav. He explained that we are all with souls, but reverence is what makes us different. He described reverence as a deep sense of knowing within ourselves that we are connected to Love and all humanity and spirit. Those of us who live with a sense of reverence can feel the connections with the earth, the sky, the Universe, animals, plants, and human beings. Those who live their lives without reverence simply can't feel that connection. So, they live by their own private egos, believing that they are the only important life in the Universe. Not believing they're connected to us makes it very easy for them to behave like angry toddlers all day, every day, until the end.

I still share the world with these monsters, but I don't share my heart with them anymore. I share my heart with the people who want to experience life as a loving, peaceful place. We're all on the same path and all devoting our time and energy on connecting with the good of this world, which slowly, methodically, releases a little bit of our connection to the evil that we once thought was all there was.

Patience and intention are my current strategy. I'm healing slowly, so that's where patience comes in, but I'm HEALING slowly, so I have evidence that I'm getting better. In any journey, each step is as important as the other thousand steps. So, each day I take a step toward feeling more loved and less trapped by narcissism. I give my fears a voice when I'm alone with them. I am sorry to hear that you are still a ways away from putting distance between you and your father, but I encourage you to look forward to a future without him in it. You can't just walk away now, but perhaps by truly understanding that you can one day, that you'll begin to work subconsciously at taking steps to make an escape in the not-too-distant future.

I feel the pain. I feel the frustration. I hope that by connecting with the love and compassion on this forum, that you are able to start moving the scales toward feeling loved and connected with the good in this world. And I view this forum as a collection of true good in this world. The people here are like me. They are working toward finding love and peace. It may be a slow healing but being connected with love in any small way helps that healing.

[Desert Flower]

Sunshineandwarmth (I like your name, it's what we need, isn't it), I am only just now responding. Your post made me gasp with old anxiety. I know how it feels to be in a situation like yours. And I was afraid of writing something that would not improve how you feel (saying the 'wrong' things). But now that others posted some helpful comments I think, I dare write something too.

I can imagine it would feel like too big of a step to actually up and leave right now. And you don't have to right away. What I learned about these situations, is that little baby steps in the right direction also get you where you need to be in the end.

And coming to this forum and talking about it is actually a HUGE step and I applaud you for that. You are very couragous already.

In addition, what might help IMO is to start working on an Exit Plan in your mind comprising of these little steps, leading up to a bigger one. So little steps might be thinking about things like: can you save some money somehow to be on your own one day?, is there anyone in the real world you can talk to (this might also be a shelter) to get support and protection?, when is your F away usually and how much time would give that?, can you go away for a weekend to get your head together?, what time does the bus leave? etc. etc. Get prepared.

Even if you don't do it right now, it might give you perspective. And I know eventually, it is possible to get out. I'm not saying it's easy. But I do think it's necessary.

Sending you all the support you need. You can do this.

[Desert Flower]

And thank you Papa Coco for sharing how you're dealing with these kinds of people in a way that is better for your (our) health. I'm learning here.

[JamesG3]

there is nothing wrong with walking away... walk away, be safe, be happy