Sunshine and warmth's recovery journal

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hello everyone.
I was doing okay throughout the day. I had this gnawing feeling in my chest, like my heart was sinking and there's this lump in my throat, I've been feeling that for years.
Something that happened today that made me go from laughing to needing to cry badly (I cannot cry infront of anyone after my father slapped me for crying in front of him and on other occassions, but always threatened to beat me up whenever I'd cry. So the tears don't come anymore). What happened was he told me you're the kind of person who'd get herself kidnapped just to extort money from her father.
He doesn't even have that kind of money, he just has a pathologically high sense of self.
He called me a "mountain of meat".
My weight back in December was 209lbs. I've been working on it really hard. I'm down to 171lbs. Previously he used to refer to me as a "fat cow"
He repetitively told me to shut the * up. When I told him to leave my room, he didn't.
This is hurting me. I don't know why is this hurting me, maybe it's because I wanted him to love me, but he didn't. He doesn't. And he most certainly won't. Sometimes I feel like crying so hard, I end up laughing. But lately, the tears have dried up. They didn't stay with me either.
I feel heartbroken because my mother lived all her life with him. She never got to know what safety, love and happiness mean. It is breaking my heart because all her life is, a nightmare. It's hard when I'm in agony, it's even harder when someone I love is in pain. I love her so much, I don't think I take care of her as much as I want to or would like to. She is my sky, my sun, my whole world. I can't see her in pain, it's killing me. It is killing me.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

16th August, 2024
I met my mentor at the college today. If we're going through a difficulty, we reach out to them.
As I was speaking to her about my family, I realized my father's behaviour to the child me was predatory. I remember one particular incident that stands out. As I was telling her, I remembered, and I can doubt my memory (although I remember exactly what happened this one time, I don't know if there were more because I just remember this one), but I can't doubt the sensations I feel in my body. I felt like crying, crying so hard. I couldn't. I couldn't. Instead I just talked to her and smiled a little. I did tell her though that I might look fine, but I'm absolutely broken inside. I am. I am shattered.
I still can't believe he would do something like that. Something sexual to his own daughter with his wife (my mother) right by his side and not saying anything at all. I knew life is hard, I just didn't know it was this hard.
Love and light

[Hope67]

Hi Sunshineandwarmth,
I am glad you have a mentor you can talk to at the college.  I hope you feel some support from her.  I'm glad you were able to tell her how you're feeling inside. 
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Sunshineandwarmth,

Like Hope said, I'm glad you have a mentor at college that you can speak with. I remember when I was your age and I was trying to find my way and navigate what I knew growing up with my family, it was a very confusing and difficult time. You're probably coming to grips with years of abuse and gaslighting, so I hope you can find some space to deal with that. I remember being a ball of emotions and breaking down in the psychologists office, who wasn't especially able to deal with an NPD mother, and feeling like it was all me again. It wasn't until another school and another therapist who suggested that my mother was NPD that I felt a little bit of relief, but unfortunately, I was still enmeshed with my family and thinking it was all me. It's not easy, but you're trying to find some support and answers.

Keep going 
dolly

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hello
I had a dream today. In it, someone—maybe me, I'm not sure—was telling me that I am in control of my life. I don't remember much, but one thing stuck: *I decide for myself*. I make my own choices. No matter what happens, I get to live my life because I exist, and I am in charge of my future.

Today, I'm consciously choosing to be okay. To accept people as they are, not as the illusions I've projected onto them. My tendency to see the best in others is a reflection of my own goodness, not necessarily of them. Recently, I've made a few friends after a long social media detox, and though part of me fears they might criticize me like my family does, I remind myself that someone as strong as I am—someone who's been through so much—can handle criticism. And truly, people who care about your growth offer feedback with kindness. The rest? They're not focused on me as much as I think they are. I'm simply living.

It feels incredible to embrace even small moments of self-love. I love mornings, sunrises, and sunsets. I haven't had the chance to enjoy them lately because I've been so busy, but I love parks, children, smiles, and uninhibited laughter. Most of all, I'm starting to fall in love with being *me*. It feels amazing, and I know it's here to stay.