Sunshine and warmth's recovery journal

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hi Chart,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I've never felt more understood than I did when I read your words. Sometimes I feel so numb that I forget I'm being abused—it all feels like a dream. It's as if my baseline stress levels are already so high that when I encounter real stress, my mind can't differentiate it from my 'normal state.'

I can't express how much your offer to help means to me. All I've ever wanted was to know that someone could offer support, and you did that. Just offering was more than enough. And the words you shared—full of empathy and understanding—are more helpful than you realize. There's a saying I came across recently: 'I can't carry your pain, but I can carry you.'

I think that when we strive to understand someone else, even just a little, we heal something inside them. We help restore some of their shattered hope. You did exactly that for me. Thank you for being there.

And thank you for the link! I'll definitely check it out. I also write sometimes, though I'm not sure if it's really worth reading. But your compliment means the world to me.

That's what makes love worth pursuing—it's not something served on a platter. It's something I must seek and find.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hi Desert Flower,

I do feel held. I've recently realized that my love language is physical touch. I'm both touch-starved and touch-repulsed at the same time—a contradiction that leaves me torn. I need to hold onto something just to sleep because I'm so afraid all the time. I have a pillow that I cling to, pretending it's someone's comforting presence beside me.

Sometimes, when my mother sleeps next to me during my dissociative states and regressions, I reach out. I try to put her cheek on my palm or rest my own cheek against hers. I hold her hand. I scoot her pillow a little closer, just to feel the warmth of human love. In those moments, I feel connected. I feel held. Maybe it's the oxytocin—perhaps it's the same feeling that flooded through us when she gave birth to me, and I was placed against her chest for the first time, our bare skin touching.

Her love language is acts of service. Her love is quiet, expressed in what she does rather than what she says. But it isn't long before she thinks I'm asleep. Gently, she pulls her hands back and turns over to sleep on her natural side. She's a left-sided sleeper. And one thing she truly loves is sleep. I pretend to be asleep, so she can have her peace. I wish all of us had someone to hold onto like that. And sometimes, I think it would be nice to have someone who wouldn't let go—even when we drift off—someone we could ask to stay, knowing they always will.

[Chart]

Sunshineandwarmth,
You are an absolutely lovely writer. Please continue. Please know you are very talented. Your words flow and caress like the scenes you describe.

Have you thought about finding help and support in the form of a therapist or trusted person? Please take care of yourself.
 

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Dear PapaCoco

I was waiting for an inspirational moment before I replied. An epiphany. I need a motive to write—a realization that pulls words out of me. It feels like my mind knows more than my physical self. My spirit is constantly sending me hidden messages about who I am, where I'm heading, and where I've been.

You mentioned CBT therapists, and I'm exploring pathways of how I could become a healer. But fear holds me back. What if my struggles worsen? What if I don't make it? What if I have no one to rely on but myself? What if I'm not a healer but someone who hurts people? What if I'm not empathetic enough? Most of all, do I even deserve to pursue this path?

I feel stuck—like stagnant water, unable to flow. Some days, self-doubt overwhelms me. But just when I'm on the verge of giving up, I think of the child I once was—the one who had no one to count on. I see myself holding her hand now, and I can't let go. She deserves better. And maybe that's reason enough to keep going.

But seriously though am I worth it? I don't know. But that little girl is.

Sunshine

[Sunshineandwarmth]

10th October, 2024

I love watching people fall in love. There's something magical about it. One of my close friends has been crushing on this guy for months now, and she talks about him all the time. She's adorable—she goes on and on about his biceps, his cute looks, his voice, and, of course, his sense of humor.

Yesterday, I decided to reach out to him—him and I are in the same batch—with her consent, of course. When I mentioned it, he said he wasn't interested in dating, but I noticed he was quite curious to know who had been admiring him. My friend, being the shy, coy person she is, just blushed and said, "Tell him I won't bother him anymore."

But here's the interesting part: I have a feeling he might secretly like her too. She's the only girl he asked about, and there was something in his tone that seemed more than just curiosity. I don't know where this is heading, but they would be so cute together.
It is so heartwarming to see such beautiful encounters.
I am so excited for her I feel all giddy and anxious. It is like all the butterflies in the world have found a permanent residence inside my stomach.
I just hope people would love without reason. Or beyond it.

It would be nice if this happened to me too. But I'm not healed enough to have that. One day.

If you believe in a higher power, please say a prayer for them. I'd love to see my friend happy.

Love conquers all,
Sunshine

[Sunshineandwarmth]

13th October, 2024
I went to my friend's house for her first birthday after her father's passing. My other friend and I were excited. She was bringing a cake from my favorite bakery, and I had brought burgers, chicken strips, and fries. I was eager—not just for the food, but to see her. We stayed for over two hours, with all the food we'd brought sitting right in front of us, untouched. She never bothered to serve it. Instead, she fried a few nuggets and some boneless chicken—barely enough to fill a small plate. There were five nuggets and maybe four spoonfuls of chicken. She told us to share that plate between the three of us.

Her sister made coffee, and we ate from that tiny plate while the food we'd brought stayed in plain sight. The cake, from a pricey bakery, had her name written on it. We'd spent quite a bit of money on it all. I'd even mentioned that the food we brought was my favorite. Still, she didn't ask about it once. This wasn't the first time she'd done something like this, and I'm angry—but I don't even know how to feel.

I don't know, am I missing something? Maybe she just forgot?

[Papa Coco]

Sunshine,

That is a first for me. I don't recall ever being in a situation where the host refused to feed their guests with the food that was sitting right there in front of them. She is either in very deep distress over something, or she was trying to make people leave by refusing to feed them.  When my sons were adults and being bad houseguests, disrespectful, unhelpful, steeling our dishes and lying about it, etc, we put them in the smallest bedrooms we had and took over the bathroom that was near the bedrooms so they'd have to go all they way downstairs to use the bathroom. We wanted them to be as uncomfortable living with us as we could so they'd get motivated to find jobs and move out. I wonder if your friend was doing that to you all. Purposely being a bad host so you'd leave?

I don't know. I got nuthin'. Whatever made her do that is beyond anything I've ever experienced.

If you ever figure out why she did that, let me know. I'm seriously curious.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

PapaCoco
I think I figured out why she did what she did.
I'm glad I figured it out before talking to her about it.
Here's what I think:
She lost her father a few months back. This was her first birthday without him. She was pretty close to him. It is possible that she might be dissociating, and forgot? It's hard to forget something that's right in front of you, but I'd like to believe she just.. forgot. She is going through alot after her father's passing. Maybe this was an honest mistake and not a deliberate attempt at humiliating me.
My mother says we shouldn't be so understanding so as to overlook disrespect. I have yet to understand what that means.
And truth be told, I was disappointed when I came back home that day, but now in retrospect, it was okay. Atleast I did what a friend should do.
I'm glad I went to celebrate her birthday, even when she didn't cut the cake with us or feed us.
People have their reasons and sometimes, I may not understand what those reasons are, but I'll try to, because I know what it feels like to not be understood.
I don't know if I'm disrespecting myself, but I do know one thing, I understand because I love. And I love, because I haven't been loved.
So I give too much and I won't get it back, but for me, it's okay.
It is okay for me.

Love
Sunshine

PapaCoco, is it okay to love people that don't love us back? Because I do. Am I stupid?

[Sunshineandwarmth]

16th October, 2024
I'm scared. I think I might be unlovable.
I'm scared the people I love will find this out about me too.
I'm so scared.
I'm sorry, I just feel so lonely. I'm sorry, I'm just scared.
Please help.

[Armee]

I don't think you are unlovable, not at all. I do think you are having an emotional flashback though to times when you were made to feel that way by people who should have loved you but were incapable. Sending hugs.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

18th October, 2024

This is what I wrote today:


None of the monsters under her bed made her bury her face in a muffled pillow as a child. But the ones in the house slammed doors, shattered glass, and left bruises where no one could see them. Her broken, shaky sobs stained her walls in a viscous, murky red, as if her grief had crawled across the room, swallowing any faint light that might have slipped through the cracks.

The End.

[Chart]

Sunshineandwarmth, we're here with you. Sending support. Please be well and know that you are worthy of love.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

32rd October no its 31st there's no 32rd. Stupid me.
This post is going to be really chaotic.

It feels like dying. It feels like death. I am terrified of my father all the time, I want to run away, and I don't want to be found ever.

He says, I'm hard to tolerate. He says. He says. He says. And then he shuts up, clenches his teeth, bits his lips, flares his nostrils, his eyes scream warnings at me and I'm scared and I'm scared and I'm so so scared. And and my body is shaking and he I can't cry because he told me if I did he'd give me a reason to cry for. And I just need to hold onto someone and cry for a little while, but I don't want to be a burden. I am a burden, so maybe it is best to build walls and not let people in.
But God, I would love to be hugged, for the rest of my life.
And I ask for too much, and he says I'm a leech and thats sucking life right out of him. And and he said if he killed me, that would be accidental. And I wonder how come someone can predict an accident?
And I am scared and I don't want to die, and I think I'm already dead but I need to cry.

I just need a hug.
I got myself, I just need a hug. Please.

[Armee]

 

Sending so many many long safe hugs to last until you can get out of there. No one deserves to be treated like that by anyone let alone their father. 

[Desert Flower]

Sending you hugs too.    You do not deserve to be treated like that.