Sunshine and warmth's recovery journal

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Desert Flower and Armee,
I am crying right now, I really needed hugs. And now I got loads of them! I feel loved and supported. I feel so loved. I feel loved. I feel like I might be loved. I feel so loved.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

[Armee]

You are loved, and loveable. Just not by those monsters, who cannot love. I'm sorry they are who received you in this life. There's more out there. Better. 

[Desert Flower]

You're so welcome! We all need it. Sending you some more hugs 

[Chart]

You so deserve love, Sunshineandwarmth. Sending love and hope. Love and hope for everything you deserve as a good, decent person. Please take care of yourself. Hugs and support, chart

[Sunshineandwarmth]

19th Novemner, 2024
Last week, both my parents has tested positive for a viral infection. It was pretty bad. I thought I had lost them.
Especially my abusive father was pretty bad. His reports didn't come out very well. And I had taken him to the ER in an emergency. Throughout the car ride, he kept taunting me for waking him up in the middle of the night for something so trivial. He said, you haven't grown up old enough to tell me what to do. I had taken him to the hospital because he might possibly have needed a platelet transfusion. He said I disturbed his sleep cycle.
Throughout his sickness, he would have that helpless face on. I would take care of him. And still hear stuff like, why would I take the medicine by myself? Why won't you give it to me? He was pretty worried about his blood reports getting pretty bad, and I remembered when I used to bleed, he would just say shut the **** up, you just like being dramatic. And now, he was acting like he was the most helpless person alive.
Everything that I would do, he would make sure to tell me he would beat me up for it when he is well. And that I am stupid, and that I'm not intelligent enough to give him medical advice (I'm in med school). He would be nice when I obeyed him, when I didn't, or even when I stayed quiet when he needed an answer, he would turn into this monster I have learned to recognize, is my father.
As for my mother, there was one full day where she didn't wakeup, didn't talk. Her blood pressure dropped too low. Her Oxygen, even lower. And I was getting her to the hospital. And he said, don't be ******* stupid. Shut up and sit down.
I hadn't been sleeping for a week, taking care of them. So one night, when my mother was coughing, I rushed to her room, only to be cussed at and told to get out by my father and not to disturb them anymore. I had to check her vitals every 2 hours! And he kicked me out of the room at 12 am, told me I can't come in till 9 am in the morning. The next day, told me he did this, so I could sleep properly. He could have been respectful.
As he had gotten better the next couple of days, he humiliated my brother and told him to throw our cat out of the house. Called him a son of a *****. Yelled at my sister for crying because she was getting depressed. Twice. Told someone on the phone they could die. He didn't care at all. His room door was closed, and I could hear him all the way across the house in my room. He was yelling at someone.
My aunt had come over to stay with us because my mum was so sick. Humiliated her too. Even though she took care of him, and her. And everyone else.
One day, he asked me to sleep in his room. Its cold here, and he keeps the door open (the door opens into a gallery; an open space). I told him I would get sick. He said, fine, but only one of us are getting rest tonight, and it is you. Then, in the morning, when I definitely had caught the cold, he said, you haven't been taking care of yourself for the winter. You're irresponsible.
I told him not to continuously get angry at people or yell at them. It spikes up blood pressure, and I'd rather he have a stable one. He asked me if he ever got angry at anyone. He had yelled at 4 different people that day.
But it is not just that, he is affectionate when he wants too. He would pick me up, drop me off. Pay for me. Buy me stuff. Pay for my tuition. Sometimes, he would even massage my head, if I had a headache. And sometimes, I was scared, he would kill me, like he had threatened to so many times before. He said he was only joking. But the same joke doesn't make one laugh every single day. Does it?
My mother's better. Thank God.
I have been dissociating a lot. I'm looking forward to my therapy session today. Let's see how it goes.
Also, my bestfriend who lives 5 minutes away, I had sent her a video of my ailing mother, begging her to support me during that difficult time, and she responded with. You need to be strong. I can't come, I have to pick up my sister from somewhere. I told her crying at 2 am that I was afraid I was gonna lose them. The next day, her boyfriend told me she was out for ice cream. Her phone was turned off, after I had specifically told her to keep it on. And when her boyfriend gave me her other number, she said, you had my number. You didn't have to ask him for it. All my close friends have that number. You should've called me on here.
She had the audacity to say that when only a few hours ago, I had told her I might lose my mother. She just responded with, May God bless her and Bye. I had no one. I needed help. I had begged her for it. She didn't care.
This is a pattern. When I was sick, and told her to come over see me, she said, she gets tired after the college, and weekends are super busy. She didn't even ask how I was doing.
I love her alot. Maybe thats why it is hurting too much. But I am done, I have stopped making excuses for people. People are what they show themselves to be. I am gonna continue my life, with that rule etched in the deepest parts of my cortex. If she did care, I would have known. And this girl, I would have gone to the ends of the world for her.
Sometimes, I think maybe I expect too much from people.
I wish better people are on the way.
Love and Light
Me

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hi.
I'm sorry if I said something wrong, nobody's replying and it feels like I messed up something again. I genuinely am very sorry if I offended anyone.

Love and Light
Sunshine

[Armee]

Quite the opposite dear. I was grief stricken for you, all you are carrying. All the care and love you are providing not just to the people who abused you but who are actively abusing you while providing care. I was at a loss for words and knowing I didn't have enough time to give justice to what you are going through.   

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Armee, Desert Flower, Chart, thank you so much for responding. I feel seen and understood.

November 21st, 2024.
I have exams starting 2nd December. I can't study. I sit down, open my books, dissociate, my head throbs and then, my mind just shuts down and I sleep. It has been like that these past couple of days.
There is a storm bubbling up inside me. In my therapy session, my therapist had asked me where did I feel pain, and I had told her my chest. By the end of the session, the pain had formed a lump in my throat. I wish I could cry. But she said, when we are attuned to our feelings, only then we can express them. I realized I don't recognize my feelings as something that makes up who I am, a part of me.
It is getting really overwhelming. But I wanted to share something positive.
My grandfather sat beside me while I was having a breakdown and struggling with sleep. I held onto him when my parents got sick. He held my hand as I slept. And when I woke up, he was still holding it.
Made me feel like the world isn't so bad after all.
I have been forgetting alot of stuff. And I want to sleep all the time. And I am feverish, just mildly, every single time I check. I have had problems with my blood pressure and pulse rate being high.
My family thinks this is nothing to make a big deal out of. That, I am being dramatic. Sometimes, I think, if this is a dream, all of this, life itself, and I'd wake up one day.
Other days, I'm just alive in a nightmare.

To a better future and to hope
Me.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hi.
I'm sorry if I said something wrong, nobody's replying and it feels like I messed up something again.

Not at all, Sunshineandwarmth. I think Armee described it well: "I was at a loss for words". I can't speak on everyone's behalf but I can at least explain that I feel a great deal of empathy, hearing of your struggles. But sometimes I feel that my words may not be beneficial, or I fear that I may make things worse for you. I would write a simple "I hear you", but then I'd feel guilty for not writing more. But you are definitely in my thoughts and I'm wishing the best for you always.

I'm sorry you're having difficulties with your exam preparation. Just remember to practice some self care, take things one step at a time. I especially relate to your difficulties with memory, forgetting a lot of things... it can be a hard problem to deal with.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Sunshineandwarmth, I'm checking in finally, it's been awhile. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your parents. You are giving so much. I'm amazed. Hope therapy is progressing and that your concentration has returned for your studies. Sending hugs and support, Chart
 

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Dear AphoticAtramentous and Dear Charts,
Thank you so much for your responses. I am grateful.
27th November, 2024
I couldn't bring that girl back. The smile on her face. The unguarded innocence that was herself. The child she was. I couldn't bring back the tiny being that was me. The small hands, small fingers, even smaller teeth. Small shoes, beaded shoes, plastic heels. Curly-haired dolls. I couldn't bring her back. I couldn't bring her back no matter how hard I tried.

I couldn't bring back the girl who cried alone while her parents were fast asleep on either side of her. I couldn't bring her back. I couldn't possibly. I couldn't bring back the teary eyes and the tearless sobs. The breakdowns and the highs. The validation and love, the disregard and dismissal. I couldn't bring that girl out of myself.

She's still inside, knocking on every door as if love is hiding and, somehow, would invite her inside. So far, a lot of doors have been knocked. All of them have knocked her out. All of them told her to knock it off. All of them taught her not to knock on another door at all.

I couldn't forgive them for the hurt they caused the little girl who is still inside me. I am still learning how to parent her. She likes being held as she cries. She wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. She gets startled easily. She likes to hold hands as she falls asleep. That small assurance, that there is someone, something that loves her close by, is a safe space for her.

She needs someone to put both hands on either side of her face and tell her it's okay. Multiple times. That I am here for the girl in me. That I am here. That it's alright as long as I've got her. That I am her, just from the future. That I will take care of her. That she can make mistakes, and it's still okay. That she can mess up—it's a totally human thing to do. That she doesn't need to be afraid of anyone. That she can tell me everything.

I am here for her. I always will be. I will because I have immense love for her.

The grief I feel is because I hadn't acknowledged that she existed before. Now I do, and I've realized she was the love I was seeking all along. It was inside me. In the little me. In the me I had pushed down. In the me that was ashamed. In the me that is here, that has always been here.

I won't sleep alone tonight. I will sleep soundly, like a baby, because I know the baby me is not alone now. She has me—someone she can trust. She can trust me not to hurt her. She can trust me with all her pain, and I will keep it as close as if it were my own. Because it is.

I think that is the essence of love—there is no "you" and "I" left. It is just us. One soul, two bodies.

The little girl is safe. She has someone protecting her. That someone is me.

I imagine running my hands through her hair while she's falling asleep. Kissing her forehead. I imagine cuddling her to sleep. I imagine giggling with her, dressing her in clothes she likes. I imagine her in all that she is, outside of the shame and guilt. I imagine her for who she is—love itself.

She is love itself.

A calm has settled over me now. I have found the ONE. I have found the one I will spend the rest of eternity with. I have found the one I love. I have found the one I will grow with. I have found light and wisdom and freedom.

Love and Light,
The little girl.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

November 28th, 2024

The girl in me is scared. The little girl is hiding right now, afraid to come out. I feel her grief in my chest, bubbling to my throat, desperate to spill out. I cried yesterday in my therapy session. I have started to cry, to grieve. I felt safe enough with this therapist to start crying—something that has happened two long years after one of my best therapists told me I need to cry to feel the pain, to finally be able to let go.

I am feeling the pain now, in all its intensity. The girl is still afraid. I could tell her to come out. I could tell her that it is safe. But I won't. I will let her take her time. When she is ready. Whenever she is. I am here for her. No pressure. She has me. I've got her. I would welcome her whenever she is ready to come out. And I won't ever get tired of waiting for her. I won't give up one day, even if she keeps me waiting for too long. No. That will never happen.

I will sit down outside her door as she sobs. It feels like two characters in a book, one with their back against the door, sobbing, and the other begging them to open up, to tell them they care. But I won't ask her to open up until she is ready to do so. I just want her to know that I am right outside, waiting for when she chooses to open the door herself. That I am right on the other side. That I would never leave. That I couldn't possibly leave her. That I love her. And when you love someone, you don't abandon them. Their grief is your grief. Their joy is your joy.

So here I am, waiting on the little girl as she mourns and grieves. She has just started to do so. It is painful to hear her sob, but I know this is the way for her to heal. For us to heal.

She is teaching me resilience—that sometimes, the best thing we can do for ourselves is take a step back and let ourselves grieve, to feel, to experience the loss and the pain in its entirety before we can finally let it go. I can't possibly let go of something I haven't even held in my hands. So I need to hold the sadness before I choose to let it go.

Love and Light (I think it is this salutation that has helped me find my way to love and light)
Sunshine

[Chart]

 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm glad you're able to grieve, Sunshine - as painful as it can be in the moment, I hope it will help to wash some of the pain away in due time.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Chart, thank you so much for the hug, I needed that.
Aphotic, I understand what you said completely, I will have to grieve to wash away some of the pain away.
Apart from grief what helps with recognizing and healing from pain? I would love to hear y'alls perspectives and insights on this.

November 29th, 2024
I woke up at 6 30am. The mornings always calm me down. I usually am curious to see the sky in the mornings, the sun rising on the horizon. It has been a long time since I have watched the sunrise, it has always filled me up with an euphoric feeling inside. Like a tingling sensation in my entire body. A giddiness. I can feel the euphoria spreading through my body, it starts at my jaw, my shoulder blades are next. I rarely feel it in my abdomen. I have noticed I don't feel anything in my abdomen at all. My T asked me where did I fely grief? I had told her somewhere between my chest and abdomen, somewhere deep inside. It is like a solid mountain, its roots are buried deep inside me. Maybe that doesn't allow me to feel anything else at all.
I had always suffered from stomach issues ever since I was a child. No diagnosis was ever made. The reports were inconclusive. But my chest and abdomen would hurt a lot. At that time, once when my parents had thought I was asleep, my dad told my mum, she's lying. I believed him, and I thought I was lying too. I believed him more than I believed myself.
I wrote on the forum the first thing in the morning, I have decided to not be distracted when I am doing something important such as being on the forum. It helps me connect with people better.
I went to sleep again soon after. One of the things I have really liked is going back to sleep in the mornings. I am glad I am realizing the things I have loved ever since I was small.
Went to the gym at around 11 am. Really pushed myself for 40 minutes. Gym makes me feel something, thats why I go there. Mostly I have felt numb, so going to the gym, makes me feel something. This is progress since in the past, being in situations where I was being abused made me feel something. Being in unsafe situations made me feel alive. I have realized now, I baseline stress levels are higher than normal, so when faced with dangerous threats, my body feels something.
Thank God, I realized it was unhealthy. What helped me was, if someone was being way too kind to me, asking intrusive questions, that rang a bell in my mind- manipulator on radar. All manipulators I had seen in my life were skilled orators. Highly regarded and respected. Saints outside of their homes. Monsters inside.
One of my friends at the gym is getting married to her boyfriend. I am happy for her. I think it will be a long time before I let someone in my life to be more than just friends.
If they even suggest it, I could say, like neighbours?
Or worse, siblings?
The idea itself makes me chuckle.
But I would love to feel safe with someone one day. And my T, said before that happens I need to feel safe with myself.
Came back home, checked up on a few family members that were sick. Studied. I cannot concentrate for longer periods of time. I didn't get much done but I got something done. That is progress.
I constantly checked in on the little girl inside me, sometimes she was hiding, other times she would be bawling or asleep. She sleeps pretty early.
I mentally ran a loving hand through her hair, held her in my arms, consoled her. And told her I was there for here, I always will be, because my love for her wasn't conditional. Love for me, is unconditional. Selfless, beyond one self. I don't think I could ever explain love enough to fulfill the criteria of all that love is. For me, it is all the skies and all the seas in all the galaxies in every single one the universes. Infinite, uncountable, beyond comprehension.
I have realized I understood yesterday a subatomic part of it, when I thought about a friend, and instantly felt connected to him, like I could feel what he was feeling. It lasted for a mere seconds, but in those few seconds, it felt like I knew what he was going through.
So, I have decided to give him space to process his feelings. He could reach out whenever he needs a friend, right now, I am letting him be.
I felt connected to another friend, thought she was distressed, texted her, and turns out, she indeed was stressed. She was the same friend who had abandoned me when I was sick, and my parents were sick. Somehow, my soul managed to connect with her too.
I have deleted social media for a while. It gave me anxiety. I am planning on leaving it in the long term. I had been off social media from 2020 to 2022. Those years went pretty good.
I keep my sisters photographs in my side drawer. Her childhood pictures. I love her, even though she gets annoying, but hey, I love her even when she is annoying.
When my mother was sick, she had had a banana and she had removed some parts of the banana that were rotten. I had told her I would just throw it in the garbage. Instead, I wrapped the rotten pieces of banana into a tissue paper, and store them in my drawer. I still have them. I also have the jasmine she had given me once, I keep it in my wallet. Right in the pocket I have kept a picture of baby me.
My grandfather visits me nearly every single day. He has been running a charity organization since the 80s. He has lost everyone he once knew as family, his parents, 5 out of a total of 7 siblings. A son, his wife of 50 years. I don't understand how someone could go through so much and still have hope in the world. To still have love for the universe. He is currently sponsoring a couple of children academically.
Ironically, this is the same gransfather who was once in debt, and people would bang his door all day asking for a return of their money. Years later, people knocked on his door again, this time, to ask him for charity. For food, for supplies, for ration, medicines. He had told me once, THE MORE I GIVE, THE MORE I GET FROM GOD. He said it was the rule of the universe. The more love you gave out into the world, the universe multiplied it and gave it back to you. So he never loses anything at all. It just gets multiplied and returned back to him as a gift. In another form. One that keeps him satisfied with how the universe works.
I have a long way to go to understand him.
For now, I am focused on listening to the little girl inside me.
Love and Light,
Sunshine