Sunshine and warmth's recovery journal

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Desert Flower and Armee,
I am crying right now, I really needed hugs. And now I got loads of them! I feel loved and supported. I feel so loved. I feel loved. I feel like I might be loved. I feel so loved.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

[Armee]

You are loved, and loveable. Just not by those monsters, who cannot love. I'm sorry they are who received you in this life. There's more out there. Better. 

[Desert Flower]

You're so welcome! We all need it. Sending you some more hugs 

[Chart]

You so deserve love, Sunshineandwarmth. Sending love and hope. Love and hope for everything you deserve as a good, decent person. Please take care of yourself. Hugs and support, chart

[Sunshineandwarmth]

19th Novemner, 2024
Last week, both my parents has tested positive for a viral infection. It was pretty bad. I thought I had lost them.
Especially my abusive father was pretty bad. His reports didn't come out very well. And I had taken him to the ER in an emergency. Throughout the car ride, he kept taunting me for waking him up in the middle of the night for something so trivial. He said, you haven't grown up old enough to tell me what to do. I had taken him to the hospital because he might possibly have needed a platelet transfusion. He said I disturbed his sleep cycle.
Throughout his sickness, he would have that helpless face on. I would take care of him. And still hear stuff like, why would I take the medicine by myself? Why won't you give it to me? He was pretty worried about his blood reports getting pretty bad, and I remembered when I used to bleed, he would just say shut the **** up, you just like being dramatic. And now, he was acting like he was the most helpless person alive.
Everything that I would do, he would make sure to tell me he would beat me up for it when he is well. And that I am stupid, and that I'm not intelligent enough to give him medical advice (I'm in med school). He would be nice when I obeyed him, when I didn't, or even when I stayed quiet when he needed an answer, he would turn into this monster I have learned to recognize, is my father.
As for my mother, there was one full day where she didn't wakeup, didn't talk. Her blood pressure dropped too low. Her Oxygen, even lower. And I was getting her to the hospital. And he said, don't be ******* stupid. Shut up and sit down.
I hadn't been sleeping for a week, taking care of them. So one night, when my mother was coughing, I rushed to her room, only to be cussed at and told to get out by my father and not to disturb them anymore. I had to check her vitals every 2 hours! And he kicked me out of the room at 12 am, told me I can't come in till 9 am in the morning. The next day, told me he did this, so I could sleep properly. He could have been respectful.
As he had gotten better the next couple of days, he humiliated my brother and told him to throw our cat out of the house. Called him a son of a *****. Yelled at my sister for crying because she was getting depressed. Twice. Told someone on the phone they could die. He didn't care at all. His room door was closed, and I could hear him all the way across the house in my room. He was yelling at someone.
My aunt had come over to stay with us because my mum was so sick. Humiliated her too. Even though she took care of him, and her. And everyone else.
One day, he asked me to sleep in his room. Its cold here, and he keeps the door open (the door opens into a gallery; an open space). I told him I would get sick. He said, fine, but only one of us are getting rest tonight, and it is you. Then, in the morning, when I definitely had caught the cold, he said, you haven't been taking care of yourself for the winter. You're irresponsible.
I told him not to continuously get angry at people or yell at them. It spikes up blood pressure, and I'd rather he have a stable one. He asked me if he ever got angry at anyone. He had yelled at 4 different people that day.
But it is not just that, he is affectionate when he wants too. He would pick me up, drop me off. Pay for me. Buy me stuff. Pay for my tuition. Sometimes, he would even massage my head, if I had a headache. And sometimes, I was scared, he would kill me, like he had threatened to so many times before. He said he was only joking. But the same joke doesn't make one laugh every single day. Does it?
My mother's better. Thank God.
I have been dissociating a lot. I'm looking forward to my therapy session today. Let's see how it goes.
Also, my bestfriend who lives 5 minutes away, I had sent her a video of my ailing mother, begging her to support me during that difficult time, and she responded with. You need to be strong. I can't come, I have to pick up my sister from somewhere. I told her crying at 2 am that I was afraid I was gonna lose them. The next day, her boyfriend told me she was out for ice cream. Her phone was turned off, after I had specifically told her to keep it on. And when her boyfriend gave me her other number, she said, you had my number. You didn't have to ask him for it. All my close friends have that number. You should've called me on here.
She had the audacity to say that when only a few hours ago, I had told her I might lose my mother. She just responded with, May God bless her and Bye. I had no one. I needed help. I had begged her for it. She didn't care.
This is a pattern. When I was sick, and told her to come over see me, she said, she gets tired after the college, and weekends are super busy. She didn't even ask how I was doing.
I love her alot. Maybe thats why it is hurting too much. But I am done, I have stopped making excuses for people. People are what they show themselves to be. I am gonna continue my life, with that rule etched in the deepest parts of my cortex. If she did care, I would have known. And this girl, I would have gone to the ends of the world for her.
Sometimes, I think maybe I expect too much from people.
I wish better people are on the way.
Love and Light
Me

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Hi.
I'm sorry if I said something wrong, nobody's replying and it feels like I messed up something again. I genuinely am very sorry if I offended anyone.

Love and Light
Sunshine

[Armee]

Quite the opposite dear. I was grief stricken for you, all you are carrying. All the care and love you are providing not just to the people who abused you but who are actively abusing you while providing care. I was at a loss for words and knowing I didn't have enough time to give justice to what you are going through.   

[Sunshineandwarmth]

Armee, Desert Flower, Chart, thank you so much for responding. I feel seen and understood.

November 21st, 2024.
I have exams starting 2nd December. I can't study. I sit down, open my books, dissociate, my head throbs and then, my mind just shuts down and I sleep. It has been like that these past couple of days.
There is a storm bubbling up inside me. In my therapy session, my therapist had asked me where did I feel pain, and I had told her my chest. By the end of the session, the pain had formed a lump in my throat. I wish I could cry. But she said, when we are attuned to our feelings, only then we can express them. I realized I don't recognize my feelings as something that makes up who I am, a part of me.
It is getting really overwhelming. But I wanted to share something positive.
My grandfather sat beside me while I was having a breakdown and struggling with sleep. I held onto him when my parents got sick. He held my hand as I slept. And when I woke up, he was still holding it.
Made me feel like the world isn't so bad after all.
I have been forgetting alot of stuff. And I want to sleep all the time. And I am feverish, just mildly, every single time I check. I have had problems with my blood pressure and pulse rate being high.
My family thinks this is nothing to make a big deal out of. That, I am being dramatic. Sometimes, I think, if this is a dream, all of this, life itself, and I'd wake up one day.
Other days, I'm just alive in a nightmare.

To a better future and to hope
Me.