Guilt for things i have done to cope (addictions mainly)

[johnram]

Hi all

i am having a tough time navigating my guilt and shame around things i have done as a result of my trauma, e.g. my addiction to porn, or the way i have treated others. 

Some are bigger and more troublesome, and its just this feeling that i needed these things to survive, mask me from the pain but they have caused damage in my relationships, particularly with my wife, and not sure how to get over those feelings.

Its like i cant ever allow myself to be loved, or be attached, and then i have this part that needs to be clean and clear as i heal but it cant.....and i enter this vicious mental cycle

hope that makes sense, keen to take views

thanks