Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 07:59:56 AM

Okay, I thought it might be best if I do start a recovery journal after all. I do like posting different subjects in different sections, but I'm also starting to feel I wanna keep my story together. And there's just so much I want to vent that I don't want to be bothering others' threads with it too much or start so many different threads. So here goes. (Most of the suggestions for prompts make me wanna cry instantly so that's today too.)

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 08:01:39 AM

It doesn't feel like recovering at the moment though. Bad dreams are returning. I think that's because I'm delving deeper into what's going on inside and the things I used to ignore are surfacing. I think I can deal with it and I knew it was gonna be difficult but still.

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 08:18:12 AM

Parts work

I've been looking into parts work and I got to know a part I didn't know was so distinctive. I was feeling very low the other day and I was sitting in a very noisy overstimulating situations at a kids playground. And I was noticing how I have very strong opinions about people around me that are overweight (please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to fat-shame anybody, I'm just being honest here to myself, it's difficult). And how these people would dare wear what they do and show their bodies anyway. (I realise I admire them in a way and I would not dare myself). And I thought, okay, if I have these thoughts about so many people, this really must be about ME. And suddenly, I saw her sitting. A little, blue fat part, cowering against the wall, enourmously afraid of being seen, of being there at all. Her hands over her head like she wanted to avoid being hit. And I felt so so very sad for her. (And I don't even think people would call me fat. I've just been called fat so many times by my abuser and my m implied the same, and this was at a time that I was actually underweight.)

And today, I had a very clear image of my inner critic. I do not like her at all (she looks like a schoolteacher dressed in grey traditional clothes with her hair tightly up in a bun, holding a ruler up in her hand, ready to smack me any time I make a mistake - my m was a school teacher, I recently learned her 'mothering' she was more like a school teacher than a mother) and most of all, I want her to go away. But it is important, I learned here, to distinguish between how she acts and what she says and what she's actually trying to do - she is trying to protect me. But I still don't know how to talk to her because she scares me so much.

And this morning in bed, I realised there's many many more parts that wanna come out now.

And a very difficult one is a baby, wrapped in cloth. (Someone will have to carry the baby because she cannot come to me herself.) Very still, not moving, not crying. Alone. Very difficult image to deal with.

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 08:26:23 AM

I think I am approaching the pain and the grief that I'm supposed to in order to work through it and recover. Yesterday, my rib started hurting again. My rib was broken half a year ago (from coughing and pneumonia) and I was in a LOT of pain then (and fear also, for not being able to perform my duties). But these days, I didn't do anything physical that could have set off the rib. And I know the pain center in the brain for physical pain and mental pain are the same. That's how I know I'm approaching mental pain.

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 08:41:44 AM

A dream

I dreamt that I had two places to clean up. (I have recurring dreams about having to pack because I'm going somewhere and having to clean up before I go and not having enough time because the plane is leaving, the place is a mess etc. etc.). The place where I was at was some sort of class room and the teacher was starting the lesson already and I still needed to clean up. And the teacher gave me a reprimand because I was disturbing class with my cleaning. But there was also another place, this appeared to be the place where we had slept and everybody had brought their stuff over from the dorm to the class room already but I hadn't yet and transportation between the two places was difficult. But I knew I had to get that stuff out first and I got angry at the teacher for scolding me and not understanding and I told him I couldn't do it, I could not do these things (taking care of both places) at the same time and I didn't have enough time.

And this tells me I am afraid I will not be able to keep up taking care of everything in my everyday life once I start digging into the stuff from before (I am starting therapy for real next Thursday brrr). I feel pressured. Actually, my boss (in a kind way, but still) said I should try to keep coming to work throughout therapy, but I'm not sure I will be able to.

dollyvee · August 18, 2024, 08:47:52 AM

Hey DF,

I think it's great that your parts were able to come out and you're compassionate about them, and willing to meet them. I laughed because I have a clear impression of your school teacher ICr and I have a teacher, and her treatment of me, still surface from time to time.

I also think it was really aware to realize your feelings to those people were not about them, but about you. Good on you for being brave and willing to admit that you felt those things you did and to deal with it in that way.

I don't know how much you've read about parts work, but in my understanding, it's always good to have permission from protectors before dealing with exiles as there can be reactions that come out. The baby might be one of those parts.

Sending you support

dolly

dollyvee · August 18, 2024, 08:51:26 AM

I think it's interesting with the dream that it's a school teacher and your ICr is a school teacher. Perhaps you're wanting to take care of, and "clean up," the emotional stuff in your life so you can move onto the next phase, but there is a critical aspect that is stopping you from doing that? Just my two bits, so please take and leave as needed.

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 09:06:55 AM

Thank you dolly, it's nice to know someone is reading this. I think you're suggestions are very valuable. I'm only just now starting to read about the parts work, I'm not sure how it works entirely. But this is what happened anyway. Thanks for the support too.

Blueberry · August 18, 2024, 11:53:31 AM

Quote from: Desert Flower on August 18, 2024, 08:18:12 AMParts work

And a very difficult one is a baby, wrapped in cloth. (Someone will have to carry the baby because she cannot come to me herself.) Very still, not moving, not crying. Alone. Very difficult image to deal with.

I read this final paragraph before the rest. Really moved me, I felt sadness, sorrow and empathy. If I felt more deeply into the situation, I might feel a bit frozen, so I'm not going there. For reasons of self-care.

I've done a lot of Parts work over the years, more and more started cropping up, holding a lot of pain and fear, terror and other nameless 'uncomfortable' feelings. There were baby Parts too, or still are in fact, but better integrated now. Unfortunately I imagine there are more to come sometime. So I also resonate very much with "And this morning in bed, I realised there's many many more parts that wanna come out now."

Quote from: Desert Flower on August 18, 2024, 08:18:12 AMI've been looking into parts work and I got to know a part I didn't know was so distinctive. ... And I was noticing how I have very strong opinions about people around me that are overweight (please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to fat-shame anybody, I'm just being honest here to myself, it's difficult). And how these people would dare wear what they do and show their bodies anyway. (I realise I admire them in a way and I would not dare myself). And I thought, okay, if I have these thoughts about so many people, this really must be about ME. And suddenly, I saw her sitting. A little, blue fat part, cowering against the wall, enourmously afraid of being seen, of being there at all. Her hands over her head like she wanted to avoid being hit. And I felt so so very sad for her. (And I don't even think people would call me fat. I've just been called fat so many times by my abuser and my m implied the same, and this was at a time that I was actually underweight.)

I am really interested to read the above. I also used to have strong opinions and even internal reactions like disgust towards overweight people, at the latest when I started intensive inpatient therapy 30 or so years, I knew it had nothing to do with those people. You're brave to write about it on the forum, I know you're not fat-shaming! I wasn't either, it was more like self-shame even though I also was underweight at the time. I'm now fat, no two ways about that, but I'm much less ashamed of my body than back then and no disgust about own body fat as far as I can tell. There's other stuff I resonate with too.

Your little blue fat part makes me feel sad. Gentle

to you Adult DF of today. If that feels too close, please ignore. One of my own Little Blueberries is sending empathy to your little blue fat part. This Little Blueberry would stand facing your little blue fat part as close as safe for both. No words, just attempting comfort and solidarity and acceptance (literally 'standing with you'). And - I think, yup the Part confirms with a nod, this is a new Part of mine. (More on my own Journal some time, not here certainly.)

Thank you, thank you, thank you Desert Flower! Your openness about your own parts and your process has brought me a whole lot of progress rn, while writing. I had no idea when I started this post that this would be the result, that a new Little Blueberry would turn up. (More on my own Journal some time, not here certainly.)

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 12:35:30 PM

This is great Blueberry, how your responding is turning out for you. It really feels like we're helping each other by sharing, I like that a lot. It feels good your little Blueberry came out to stand with my little fat part. Thank you.

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 05:00:16 PM

So okay, I'm really starting to feel like I'm posting 'too much', but I really feel there's so much I have to get out of my system.

About being strong/vulnerable

Funny thing is, when I've told people lately about how I'm feeling, that I'm starting therapy etc., they often respond by saying: But you're so strong, you're such a tough cookie, up to: But you're so bad-* with those tattoos all over. And the thing is, I've been trying to look strong for all those years indeed. I never wanted others to see how much of a mess I was inside, hurting, scared etc. Mostly, because I thought I would collapse entirely if I would really feel all of this myself.

And now I decided I'm not gonna keep that up anymore. I want to be able to feel vulnerable. I think it's time I explore that side of me. And so I tell people about it. And I get this reaction about being strong, like they don't want me to admit to this vulnerability either. Why would that be hard on them? They seem to wanna keep the old me.

Desert Flower · August 18, 2024, 05:11:08 PM

And I also feel I need to write something about:

Asking for help

This is such a huge issue for me. I always think I have to do everything myself. I should be able to. Never ask for help.

- Trigger Warning -
In my family, and when the abuse was going on, everything inside me was screaming, but we didn't ask for help.

Except for one occasion. This was when our m was very upset, losing it really, and my brother and I were teenagers watching this and we just had no idea what to do. We had no skills for this. We had never learned to deal with any emotions. And then she said she wanted to end her life, she didn't wanna live anymore. And we knew that in our neighbourhood, there was this person who had been like a friend to the family. So my brother and I went to his house and told him what was going on. I don't remember anything of what happenend next. The only thing I remember is the massive anger and outrage that our m buried us with afterwards. Just to make sure we never ever ever asked for help again. And we didn't.

Papa Coco · August 19, 2024, 05:07:04 PM

Desert Flower,

I truly feel what you are saying. Being punished for trying to save your m's life by asking an adult for help just breaks my heart. I'm SO sorry that happened to you. I feel deep connection with you right now over what you're going through. I wish I could grab my toolbox and head to your house and fix anything you wanted fixed, just to help you feel the truth that you are allowed to ask for help.

Naturally, I feel this empathy because I am just like you in that regard. Asking for help is pretty close to completely impossible when it was something that shamed us in the past. I know the same feeling. I was to be everyone's helper, and if I ever asked for help, I was punished. So today I am quick to serve and unable to accept help in return.

My heart definitely goes out to you. Dealing with the traumas that keep us from our birthrights is so unfair. We all have the right to ask for help. But trauma keeps us from doing it. I'm terrible at it too. I never want anyone to help me with anything. I feel you. I empathize totally.

Desert Flower · August 19, 2024, 05:30:52 PM

Thank you Papa Coco. That's such a great and empathetic response. I really feel you getting ready with your toolbox to come over and fix things, it warms my heart. I'm so glad you're here.

When I wrote it, I didn't feel anything really. It's only now that I read your response that I'm starting to feel it. Yes, it was hard. It is hard. Makes me sad now. That's okay.

I got so much stuff I'm gonna have to work through. It's a lot. (We're all gonna be okay though, Papa Coco. We are.)

Desert Flower · August 19, 2024, 05:55:16 PM

I'm getting quite apprehensive and anxious about my next therapy session, that's Thursday. This will be the first real session really, the last turned out to be an extended intake. So we haven't really started yet. I really don't know what we'll be doing, it's called schema therapy (which is maybe like inner child and parts work, I'm not sure) and some other stuff. And this will supposedly have to get done in ten sessions. This seems quite impossible to me. How can all this stuff that I've carried around all my life be done in ten sessions?? It cannot. My husband says I'm gonna be doing 90 percent of the work myself anyway, so it doesn't matter much. So it might help a little bit. Maybe I should just think of it as another step in the process.