Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Chart]

Also too, I could give buckets of co-dependent advice about you're mom... but I imagine you know all that already... logic vs emotions, etc.
So I'll just send good, strong self-actualizing positive energy. I'm feeling your doing good work around all that, certainly very aware and breaking it down in a good way. Keep on keeping on.
 

[sanmagic7]

hey, DF, that passive-aggressive stuff is soooo frustrating!  very sorry you have to deal w/ that w/ your M. 

i think you've given me an insight into my anxieties about driving that i've been having of late - not quite knowing or being familiar w/ a place, not wanting to get in someone else's way.  that rings true for me right now as well, so thank you for writing about it.  it helps a lot.

i would feel a little skittish in that situation myself.  glad you're taking precautions.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Oh my gosh! I'm shocked your teacher had given you that book! Well i guess he had some insight into what was really going on to some degree. Thanks for the warning about the book. Now I am a bit curious as well but I do tend to be rather self punishing with triggering material.

Interesting comment you made about children who lost a parent and the propensity for future harm. I think if my father had been around my future would have been even worse (addict, violent, criminal, prison). But the intergenerational trauma it just sets us up for a rough go.

I so much understand what you mean when you wrote (paraphrasing) that you felt guilty for taking time alone but ended up triggered and not "using the time right." Oh I would have the same thoughts. But this is equally valid for time away, needing to process things in a space where you are not also managing everything of day to day life for a family. Processing is also important toward the end goal of being more healed for yourself and family. But I totally get it. 

[Desert Flower]

I think if my father had been around my future would have been even worse (addict, violent, criminal, prison)

Well, that's hard either way Armee. I'm sorry for that.

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And thank you all for the kind and supportive comments. I really appreciate it. I'm so glad we're here together.

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I've been feeling a bit wobbly, wanting to cry but not quite getting round to it. But okay enough mostly.

The book turned out to be quite the page turner. And it is just remarkable. The main character is also aged 52, like me. And it is almost like the teacher that gave me the book back then did have a feeling about what was going on in my life, although I don't see how he could possibly have. Because the book turned out to be about the kind of troubles all of us here had and why we ended up here. And about taking care of these parents somehow anyway now they're old. I really do think there is a reason why I read it now.

And I had been having trouble with myself going to work in my 'new' state, that is with the vulnerable and feeling 'me' (a 'me' with feelings that is). I had somehow gotten this idea that I should now be feeling everything all the time. And that was too much to handle obviously. And this week, I made acquaintance with a new colleague and I felt bad about it, because the 'old'/detached/not feeling anything/professional/fun-me took over completely. And after our meeting, walking through the corridors, I distinctly felt the new/feeling-me return.

And I had another very helpful session with my therapist yesterday. And after that, yesterday evening, something my T had said made me realise that this detached part actually also needs be allowed to be here. It turns out that since I have allowed my vulnerable me to emerge (a few months ago?), I didn't want the detached me to return anymore, but yesterday I realised it's okay that she's here too, that she comes out many times still, it's a very old pattern AND it has kept me alive, she totally saved me! I would not still be around if it weren't for my detached me. So I feel better when I accept her as well and allow her to be here too.

And I've been feeling bad about myself because I have a very good and dear friend who has also been taking care of her difficult mother for many years (a lot longer than I have) and she just seems to have this endless love to give to her mother still. And I know this friend is actually traumatised by her mother too and other things that happened, and I don't know how she can keep it up. I just don't have it in me to even put an arm around my mother, even though she is so fragile and needy. I just don't know how to do it. And I hate that she's so needy, the way she is needy. And I feel so bad about it.

Because she IS most of the reason I can't do it. And everyday she texts me 'good morning' and 'good night', we arranged this so we know she is all right, she's living alone and this is so we know she didn't fall or hurt herself or whatever. We arranged this because her neighbor had suggested it actually. And I think she likes it actually. It's like she's got two opportunities every day to let me know how lonely she is. Just the passive aggressive way she likes it. And that puts me back in the situation when we were young and we had to make it better for her - twice every day. And when I don't visit her every week, she says just to call her sometimes and I just can't get myself to do it. I just feel this huge resistance. I just don't want to. And I feel really bad about that.

Maybe when I'll start feeling better about myself, I will have more to give? To her? I don't know.

Well anyway, after yesterday's insight on the detached part being allowed to be around, I did feel a lot better today, also at work.
So what I'm learning is, it is so important to allow ALL my parts to be here.

And I'm really tired too today. I've really been working hard on all of this stuff. I think I still just wanna get through it all and have it over with. Which won't work.

Long post. Sorry about that.

[Desert Flower]

And I said to my T I would have wanted to have made some 'progress' by now (I'm also feeling pressed for time, since I only got coverage for so many sessions), that is feeling better instead of just all this feeling. And she reassured me we are making progress, but we are still in the middle of unraveling it all. I guess I want too much too soon. I really have a hard time accepting what it is. It'll be a lifelong journey won't it.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with you on being able to recognize progress and this feeling like a lifelong journey. I don't have anything to offer but wanted to say you aren't alone in this.

[Armee]

I'm sorry. I really feel what you are going through. It sounds so similar to what I went through with caregivng for my very difficult passive aggressive needy push-pull attention seeking mom too. It very nearly killed me. Please know that what you are doing is so hard. Caregiving even when it is for "easy" parents is so difficult. But add on the trauma and personality disorders of the parents it is nearly deadly. No joke. 

Really interesting about the book and the timing. I think now if we saw a kid with parents like ours, we'd recognize it immediately too. It was probably way obvious to your teacher. I'm curious the author of the book?

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Rainy and Armee.

the author of the book?

is William Wharton and it's titled 'Dad'.

 

[Desert Flower]

Also too, I could give buckets of co-dependent advice about you're mom... but I imagine you know all that already... logic vs emotions, etc.

I'm not so sure Chart. I've not studied this very much so far. So feel free to share any advice you have on this.

[NarcKiddo]

Your long post on 31 Oct really resonates with me Desert Flower. Especially the parts about simply not having it in you to care for you mother in the way you perceive your friend caring for hers. I would suggest you try not to compare yourself to your friend. Even though you have known her for a long time you cannot know every facet of why and how she treats her mother like she does. Or how she presents that situation to others. Maybe you are the more honest one,  to yourself, admitting what your limitations are and trying to work within them. Your statement that you don't have it in you to put an arm round your mother resonates hugely. I feel that, too. It is really hard to navigate. You say that when you feel better about yourself you may have more to give. Maybe, but it seems to me that maybe you have given enough already. If she has emptied the well and is now doing nothing to help it refill - I don't really know how to finish the sentence but it's not my sentence to finish. I'll leave it there in case it's helpful.

It really does sound as though you have made progress, though. And your T sounds good and helpful. Given you feel pressed for time and have limited coverage I wonder whether you might consider concentrating particularly on building strong foundations with the support of your T. I think you are right that this is a lifelong project, although it should get easier as you get more adept at handling things. Which is happening, as far as I can see. I mean, look at your recent recognition of the detached part. But maybe focusing less on the progress and more on the foundations while you have your T to assist will give you more "oomph" during times you may not have the support of T. I guess that may be something to discuss with your T if you think it might be helpful. And please ignore if not.

I agree with Armee it's really interesting how you have come to read that book right now and what you are finding. I may check it out, too.

[sanmagic7]

hey, DF,

along w/ the warmth of everyone else here, one thought came to mind as i read your stuff.  maybe, when you feel better about yourself, you'll have more to give to you, more awareness of what's ok or not ok for you (regardless of how anyone else deals w/ a situation similar to yours), more acceptance of how you want to caretake or not, etc.

it sounds to me like you're making good progress - the idea of allowing the distant you to continue to be is a lot, to my mind.  acceptance of ourselves, as we are, is huge, no matter what form that takes.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you NarcKiddo and San for your thoughtful comments.

What strikes me most is I realise now that when I'm writing these things initially, part of me still thinks I'm 'overreacting', making a big deal out of nothing, seeking 'too much' attention. And then when I see your comments, I see that I'm not. It really is 'something'. I need the validation so much. So thank you.
I'm still surprised sometimes by the recognition I get here. Also from my T. And from the stuff I read.

And from the company social worker a while ago. She actually gave me quite a nudge to really get onto this path. She had worked with PTSS before and she told me what I had been feeling all these years, this continuous stress, was in fact not normal, although it was feeling normal to me. And she was quite alarmed by the things I told her. And how some people never get over this kind of stuff. And that helped me see.

I've also been reading about some people who recently got diagnosed as well (with different stuff but that's irrelevant here) and how life and their feelings over all these years now finally made sense to them. I just cannot seem to get over it.

Sometimes I'm still getting used to 'the way things are', with this diagnosis and all. How it just explains everything.  I just keep sighing with relief all day long these days. Almost makes me wanna cry.

How I coped all these years, I almost don't know.

Here I am.

 

[Desert Flower]

about the book

and

I may check it out, too.

I just wanted to add it contains some words we would not want to use anymore nowadays.

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when you feel better about yourself, you'll have more to give to you, more awareness of what's ok or not ok for you (regardless of how anyone else deals w/ a situation similar to yours), more acceptance of how you want to caretake or not, etc.

Yes, that's where it starts. I still find it really hard chosing me first.

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If she has emptied the well and is now doing nothing to help it refill -

In my (sparse) angry moments, I would say: 'well, forget it then.' But most days, I still feel obliged to help her. The biggest problem is she is old now. I feel I'm too late to let her be on her own. If it had been twenty years ago, she could have found some other people to make her feel less alone, but now I feel I cannot expect her to anymore.

focusing [less on the progress] and more on the foundations

That sounds reasonable indeed. But how would this be done in practice? I think actually we are mainly focussing on the foundations. The therapist will ask me what has been troubling me the most the past few weeks and then we look into whatever trauma is underneath those troubles. Then, we are working through some of the most traumatic events, rescripting them or doing EMDR, which makes them a little less likely to trigger me as much now. These sessions do make me a lot calmer.

[sanmagic7]

DF, yep, i know the feeling of near tears still when something nice/kind is said to me or done for me.  i'm not sure what they represent - an overflow of gratitude?  or grieving all the time we didn't get that from others?  or something else?  at any rate, i don't think they're a bad thing, but an acknowledgment of something for your life. 

i'm glad your T sessions help make you feel calmer.  to me, that shows progress.  keep going! 

as far as obligation to your M, would you regret not helping her out if it meant you were helping yourself out?  and, yeah, choosing self over others is a tough one, for sure.  love and hugs

[Chart]

Also too, I could give buckets of co-dependent advice about you're mom... but I imagine you know all that already... logic vs emotions, etc.

I'm not so sure Chart. I've not studied this very much so far. So feel free to share any advice you have on this.

Error number one: Don't give me permission to give my advice! I'll probably leap at the chance!!!


I'm actually taking my "studies" of narcissists (the principal "creators" of co-dependent behavior) to some interesting places (for me). Here's part of some of the stuff that I'm thinking about:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?msg=148304