Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

I'm not a motivational speaker at all but sending you some inspiration if I can because I read you need it Chart.
 
 I hope you're reading this.

[Desert Flower]

So, well, I was away for a while. Not a conscious choice but just being really busy, it's always like this, this time of year. For the most part, I've been doing quite well though. Long post, apologies.

Some important stuff that happened:

My husband's 50th birthday party
My husband celebrated his 50th birthday with a big party at our place. I knew this was gonna be immensely triggering (I'm not good enough, I don't fit it in, they don't want me etc. etc.) and it was. But I'm really proud of myself the way I dealt with it. I felt when it triggered. The thing is, he has these friends he's known practically all his life. I'm the last one to have joined, 15 years ago. But I still feel like 'the new girl'. And his friends did this quiz titled; "Who knows [...] best?" And they had all these questions about times long past that I didn't know the answer to. So I felt that, and I felt my reaction (fawning - "Oh, this is so much fun!") and thinking okay, I'll hang in there. And I didn't blame myself for my (inner) reactions. That was fair enough.
And I spoke about my diagnosis with many people at the party and it turned out many of them said they were having issues too and they applauded me for taking it on.
And there's this sister-in-law who's quite self-absorbed and her youngest was hanging out with my daughter and when my daughter really needed to get to bed, I was able to tell the in-law she really had to take her kid away.
And I myself went to bed when I'd really had enough even though the party was still going on.
And I'm glad my h had a good time, and I didn't bother him with my troubles that day.

Compensation for attachment disorders
I heard a podcast about attachment disorders. And I just wanted to share what they said can compensate for them:
- being in a safe relationship
- having kids yourself
- a god (a different one than your parents)
- society (participating)
- (schema-)therapy

Visiting my mother
I used to think I had to visit my mother every week. I wrote about it here. But recently she said: Oh, but you really don't need to (passive aggressiveness) and I thought: Okay, so I won't anymore. So I changed it to once every two weeks. She thinks it's because I'm busy, but I know it's because she's so triggering to me.

The other day, it was enough for her just to say 'How are you?' to send me into an EF lasting two days. Because her tone (to me) implies I cannot possibly be well, I'm probably struggling again/still, because there's something wrong with me. Even though, I was actually doing fine at that moment, but I couldn't even say that out loud to her because I was down the rabbit hole already. And everything is always hopeless and heavy with her, I just don't know what to say.

And I talked about this with my T and I started practicing 'being okay, I am okay - even though my mother is not'. My T and I looked into what exactly is triggered here. It's a scene from way back, sitting at the dinner table after my dad past away (something that was never talked about) and my M is laying the table for four, instead of the three we are now, and that was soooo uncomfortable and awkward a situation to be in, we kids just froze and had no idea what to do. We felt we had to make her feel better, but we couldn't. And my T and I rescripted this situation and sent the kids to leave the dinner table and go play and I practiced acknowledging 'this is indeed uncomfortable'. As it still is, sitting at her dinner table these days with her being alone again, now that her second husband died.

But the next time I went to see her, I was actually able to sit there and acknowledge (silently, to myself) this was indeed awkward and that felt slightly better, at least I felt there's nothing wrong with me for feeling this. And I managed to get through it without an EF. Yay.

Being rejected
And my T and I also rescripted a scene of being rejected by my abuser, and that has made me feel less alone there.

My hearing/Tinnitus
And I got my ears/hearing tested. This was important to me. Because up until three years ago, I used to have all sorts of physical complaints that had no apparent cause. And when I started acknowledging my feelings/emotions, all these physical symptoms evaporated. Except for the Tinnitus. So I still had these doubts that something was wrong with my ears/hearing. And it turns there's nothing wrong, my ears/hearing are absolutely fine. So from now on I'm gonna treat this as entirely psycho-somatic.

Some things that didn't help either
And I thought of some things from the past that didn't help either with feeling 'not good enough'. I used to be a gymnast as a kid/teenager. And I was in the top team actually. But I was really scared at that and I had no self esteem or courage for it. And at competitions, I would always be a bench-warmer, I was never good enough to be in the competition.
And also, within our family, our cousins would always hang out together a lot and my brother and I were never a part of that.

Business trip
And this week, I had to go on a business trip by train and there were pickpockets around and the train had a fire smell and then didn't go any further because of a defect with the brakes and I was really anxious about it and I dissociated during a good part of it but I didn't blame myself for doing so.

[Desert Flower]

A picture of me for my mom
And I had my picture taken at work and they photoshopped it to make it look 'better' (I suppose). And I didn't think it looked quite like me anymore. They did something to make me look more tanned than I am and they removed the dark parts under my eyes. These parts show my troubles I think.

But my mom liked the photo a lot and she wanted it printed and framed and that feels confusing. Apparently, she wants a picture of me looking happy. She wants me to be happy. But part of me wishes she would like a picture of me not looking perfect, looking the way I am, showing the way I feel. It's too much to wish for I suppose.

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I read your updates.  I resonate with mom stuff.  My mom always wants me to be happy too.  I hate her saying that to me.  I hope you are hanging in there.

[Desert Flower]

That's a lot to read Rainy, thank you. I am definitely hanging in.

[Desert Flower]

I do feel I need to clarify the situation with my mom and me being happy or not. Because in a reply to Papa Coco's journal I wrote:

And to me what you wrote about your mother not wanting you to be happy and not wanting you to be unhappy either, and her making it all about her, resonates very strongly. Where would that leave us and our feelings, I'm wondering. I'll think about that.

So that may seem to be contradictory to what I wrote here. It's a little more complicated/nuanced I think.

I think my mom wants me to LOOK happy so she can feel like she did all right raising us and she can show other people how well I'm doing. But she doesn't really seem to want me to BE happy, because she's convinced (she's dystymic) every happy thing in life will always be taken away from us so better not get your hopes up. And at the same time, she would not want me to be visibly miserable because that would show SHE did not do a good job raising us.

So the solution here is to just feel what I'm really feeling without caring what she might think about any of that. It's like what Blueberry pointed out somewhere else on the forum:

And I try to employ Medium Chill and Grey Rock https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

Thank you big time Blueberry! That made me read about 'Medium Chill' and that was very helpful. To disengage from my mother mentally while engaging with her. That might actually be a very good strategy for me.

And actually, I do have truly happy moments and they occur when I can just BE, just feel what I need to feel in that moment and not care the least bit about what anybody thinks about it, especially my mom.

I'm okay, even if/when she's not.

Just as a reminder to myself.

[Desert Flower]

And something Mathilde wrote also feels important to me. It made me realise (again) that dissociation is designed to keep us safe, it's not 'wrong'. Whereas sometimes I only feel I shouldn't be doing it anymore, that it should go away. So here's a reminder to myself to allow my detached part to be here when it needs to.

[Armee]

Wow you are really doing well managing the different triggers and EFs!!!

 

Regarding the photo...an artist would definitely prefer the more interesting looking version of your photo. Lived in. Real. Authentic.

Re tinnitus...For what it is worth...1. The same thing happened to me with having lots of physical symptoms that I had thought were medical problems that all dissipated after getting into therapy finally. I think that is fairly common for trauma; And 2. The tinnitus happens for me as an anxiety/ dissociative thing. The trigger can be barely perceptible, but once I notice that feeling I can usually trace back to the trigger. It can be as tiny as reading a single word in an otherwise nontriggering news article that sets my brain buzzing and my ears ringing.

It was my first clear sign I caught onto that I was dissociating, when I felt like my head was in a vacuum cleaner or like I was standing in the middle of a 5 lane freeway. I even said it to my therapist in the early days of therapy before I knew about trauma and dissociation. He must have asked something about childhood and everything got super loud and I asked him why does it feel like there's a 5 lane freeway between us? He said "you mean you feel like your distanced from me?" "No. It is literally as loud as a 5 lane freeway in here right now."

It's good this is happening because it can help you identify triggers and get grounded, if indeed this is the same thing for you.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you so much, Armee, appreciate it. That's a fascinating angle, this connection between the Tinnitus and Dissociation. Since I'm looking into this dissociation-thing already, I'll definitely take this into account.

[sanmagic7]

wow, DF, so many realizations, connections, awarenesses!  that's a lot to be going on with.  very glad you were able to go to sleep when you needed to, stood up for yourself, took care of yourself.  i think that's a biggie.  i remember doing something similar and an ex-H really coming down on me for it, so it seems very brave to me that you were able to do that. 

keep going!  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you San!

Just a few notes. There's some awareness around the dissociation too. Strange realisation I must say. Some instances:

- Just now, for just one second, I did not recognise my own house. It looked so strange to me.

- And earlier today, I was riding my bycicle and for a minute, I couldn't remember where I was going. It was just me cycling and the rest was gone.

(And some weeks ago, I felt myself dissociate as I drove into my mother's street for a visit. And I remember looking at myself like I was one of the neighbours: "Here comes the daughter for a visit." - I used to be like this a LOT as a kid. Seeing myself walking down the street.)

My brain is so trying to protect me.

[sanmagic7]

i agree, DF.  protection at its finest.  it's a strange sensation, tho, to look at yourself and not recognize you.  been there.  love and hugs

[Chart]

I'm not a motivational speaker at all but sending you some inspiration if I can because I read you need it Chart.
 
 I hope you're reading this.

Thanks DF! I've been away from the Forum for awhile, but I am reading this!

- Just now, for just one second, I did not recognise my own house. It looked so strange to me.

I just had a thought... are you sure this is dissociation? Maybe internal changes are happening such that your house is the same, but you are subtly changing, thus familiar things are not quite so familiar anymore... just something that popped in my head when I read this.

(And some weeks ago, I felt myself dissociate as I drove into my mother's street for a visit. And I remember looking at myself like I was one of the neighbours: "Here comes the daughter for a visit." - I used to be like this a LOT as a kid. Seeing myself walking down the street.)

I have a thing where I see myself through the eyes of others ALL THE TIME. I'm incessantly imagining how I appear and what others might be thinking about me. Maybe not exactly the same but this made me think...
Thanks for sharing DF!

[Desert Flower]

I'm so scared right now. I got myself into a very stressful situation. I can't write any specifics because I'm too scared the person I'm scared of will read this (this is totally unrealistic, but I cannot think straight. I feel so stupid, it's my fault). Maybe I'll write the whole story when I'm through this EF. It's just overwhelming right now.

This is a big EF that started yesterday. I'm hoping writing about it will help, I'm not sure. I was actually supposed to take it easy for a few days before Christmas, as the company doctor (very gentle person) told me I could take more time on sick leave to process things, which should have been good. But first, my manager didn't quite understand what was going on and how long I'd be away, and I don't know myself and I had a hard time explaining. And then, I started worrying about spending Christmas time with my M and so I was already not relaxing.

So then the thing happened that I'm really scared of the most and that I'm trying to avoid all the time. Someone got really angry with me, while I was (consciously) trying to be nice to her. And this to me feels life-threatening. That's all I'll say for now.

[sanmagic7]

by your side, DF.  love and hugs