Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Papa Coco]

Desert Flower,

I understand your anxiety around Thursday's Schema therapy session. It will most likely be okay, but that doesn't mean the days leading up to it are a bit nerve wracking. It would be for me too.

I looked up Schema Therapy. I don't understand it by reading about it on the internet. It says it's focused on the right goals. Even though 10 sessions are not a lifelong healing treatment, I have participated in many, many, many different short-term therapies, and while they didn't make me live "happily ever after," they did help. So, hopefully, even though you only get 10 sessions, hopefully you'll gain at least some tools from it that you can apply to your healing while you experience more types of therapies in the future. The multi-pronged approach to healing is probably the best idea. A little of this. A little of that. Each therapy gives us more tools. I've been with my therapist for 30 years and he's helping me a lot but he's not the silver bullet either. I've learned a lot from him but also from some of the many other things I've done in addition. They weren't the silver bullets either, but each thing I've done has given me something I didn't have before participating in it.

I am excited to hear what you think about Schema Therapy. Even if it isn't long enough, it might give some good stuff for you to add to your list of things you do to work through the Trauma issues of life.

[dollyvee]

Hi DF,

I just wanted to say that I hope your therapy session goes well 

Sending you support,
dolly

[Desert Flower]

Again, so many things to vent. I do apologize for not responding to many of your posts these days, I'm very self-absorbed.

The multi-pronged approach to healing is probably the best idea. A little of this. A little of that. Each therapy gives us more tools.

and

even though you only get 10 sessions, hopefully you'll gain at least some tools from it that you can apply to your healing while you experience more types of therapies in the future

Yes, therapy is a step my process. Even if it is ten sessions, it may well be helpful. And indeed, I've come a long way already by trying different things at different times. And I had different teachers before, whose advice was spot on sometimes and other times not quite that and some of it was (I now see) premature. That's all okay. I have to be realistic.

[Desert Flower]

Today has been such a great day. I did something great for myself: I asked for help! In the workplace even! 

A month or so ago, I'd already opened up in the workplace but I did't feel so great afterwards. I think it was because, while my colleagues did respond in a supportive way, it still wasn't what I needed, because I've been lacking so much confirmation that the confirmation a normal person would give does not suffice for me. The colleagues were not to blame, past experiences were.

But today, I took it a step further. At my work place, once a year or so, we have evacuation exercises. And they scare me terribly. They make me very anxious. So I had been taking part in these 'safety walks' that prepare us for evacuations, but I had not remembered any of what they said, I had just dissociated completely and I still have no idea what exit to use in these cases. So this was not gonna help. So today what I did was, I asked my teammates whether any of them would be willing to be my 'buddy' in such a situation, and walk me to the exit, knowing I would probably not be communicating very adequately and all of them said Yes, they would.

But that wasn't the best part. The best was riding my bike back home and thinking about this afterwards, and feeling soooo relieved. I just felt so light! And the relief was that I didn't care anymore if they were talking about it to other people or if they had any opinions about it. So what if they think I'm vulnerable, or strong, or silly, or wise or whatever. Let them think whatever they want. I thought: I spent 50 years worrying about what people probably didn't think of me, just making up the worst scenarios unrelated to the truth, let me now spend the rest of my years NOT worrying about whatever they DO think of me. Ha ha. 

[Desert Flower]

I don't know how much you've read about parts work, but in my understanding, it's always good to have permission from protectors before dealing with exiles as there can be reactions that come out. The baby might be one of those parts.

I wanted to get back on this dolly, because I've been reading into 'No Bad Parts' some more and I think you're right here. I now learned about the exiles, protectors and fire-fighters and I've got all of them of course.
(I also read 'Healing the Shame' in the mean time, but I'm not sure where to start on that so I'll leave that for now.)

So far, I've found that around this baby (and around some other very young parts like Little Indian and Ladybug, whom I also discovered recently) there are some big protectors and for now they're not letting me anywhere near these exiles. There is a very strong sense of NO here, they're not moving at all. There are five or six of them, they are larger than life and they do have a somewhat human shape but quite amorphous and they are whitish/almost translucent. And in addition, there is a fence around the exiles. So it seems I will have some work to do with these protectors. That's okay, I'll do that.

I've also discovered some more distinct protectors, in addition to the Teacher, there is Ms. Perfect, Anxiety (keeping me from feeling sad and angry parts or anything else), and Nice Girl (fawning in order to avoid parts getting triggered). All very strong parts. I was able to relate to Anxiety a little bit, she wanted to be held and stroked and acknowledged really, she would still stick around but she was be able to sit down in my lap and not be so jumpy anymore.

I also have a very strong protector that used to cause many different physical symptoms to keep me from feeling unwanted emotions, but I had learned to relate to that very well already. She's now causing me to feel my rib (that I broke a while ago) but that's okay.

And I used to have some very strong fire-fighters too, that were trying to numb me into not feeling anything by doing drugs and drinking alcohol too much, but I stopped doing all that 15 years ago (after I really had been in some very risky situations because of them and I didn't wanna end up as a newsflash).

[Desert Flower]

(Oh, and I just found another one: Organizer, very strong protector too. Very interesting, almost fun this discovery.)

[Papa Coco]

Desert Flower,

Wow. I'm getting chills reading about all the good parts you are meeting up with right now. You're covering all the bases, Exiles, Protectors, Organizers, etc. I've found that in my life, the IFS work has been one of the most powerful healing tools I've worked with. You are really running with this. I'm cheering for you that you and your parts are all getting to know how you can work as a team and less as isolated individuals.

This is really good news, and I'm glad you guided me toward reading this thread. I love reading when my friends on the forum are on a positive roll.

I actually feel like right now is a good time to say Congratulations on how well the book is helping you meet and greet and interact with all your good parts.



May the healing continue!

[Desert Flower]

Thanks for cheering me on Papa Coco YAY!!!

More and more keep coming out ... It's like a dam broke and there's no stopping the flow (I feel okay though, at ease, remarkably).

There's a Dissociative Part of course, I'll call her Airy (She's up in the air it feels). She's also a protector/ fire-fighter keeping me from feeling the pain and sadness and fear of the little ones (and of the exiled teenagers as well!) by not being here at all. She's done an awful lot of work for me. She still takes over a lot. But I'm getting better at feeling when she does it and then bringing my Self back by feeling my body. I've been practicing. But she's keeping doors shut still. I think she may be multiple.

And there's Fantasy, a very young protector, who's been making up stories about why my father wasn't really be dead and was gonna be coming back in the end. She's sitting by the fence. Or by the (communal) swimming pool (in my home town). She's had quite the task, being such a little one. But she can be quite stubborn too. And she's very sad when I tell her dad did really die. She doesn't know what to do now. I'll hold her. I think I will have to hold her for a long time.

And there's Worker Girl. Getting things done. Check, check, check. Lately she's quieted down a lot though. Sometimes I'm almost lazy now. And content. I've gotten a lot done these last couple months. (But also, I feel like I lost my drive somehow. Maybe it's not important to me anymore the way it used to be, working working working. I like looking at the sky better sometimes. Very strange.)

And come to think of it, very hard to admit, Lover has become an exiled part somewhere along the way.... Worker Girl and Organizer have a lot to do with that I think. They give Lover no time or relaxation (she needs that) to come out. And Lover feels no longer needed. She's lonely. And she's with my little Fat part now. And she's with Little Indian, who's not allowed to play anymore.

Wow. I've got a lot of Parts.

[alliematt]

Today has been such a great day. I did something great for myself: I asked for help! In the workplace even! 


As someone who also finds it hard to ask for help, I cheer with you!

[Saluki]

Hey Desert Flower,
I started reading your story because your name resonates with me. I nearly chose the name of Prickly Pear which is also a desert flower before it fruits. I'm Saluki because I've always been running away but I never managed to run away fast enough, so I wanted to be the fastest most streamlined being like a saluki. I'm very conscious that I'm very self absorbed too, that's normal with CPTSD. I think it's more being overwhelmed with so many thoughts because self absorbed feels uncomfortable, so please don't worry about replying. It often takes me months to even remember I wrote something on here. Tomorrow I will probably have forgotten I wrote this reply but I just wanted to say I have read maybe half of your posts and I have some similar traumas. My mother brought me up like I was her pupil. I was never treated as a daughter. I understand the stern teacher thing and my inner critic (or one of them) wears stern grey clothes too. Also my mother threatened suicide. Different experiences different people but reading your story helped me cry because I empathise so much. Because I went through similar.
I don't understand much about parts but trying to learn. But reading about your different parts was a very emotional experience for me because I identify with so much.

The fat thing, wow, I was just writing something about fat shaming from my own experience, why oh why do abusers body shame us too? It's like they want to squeeze every drop of confidence out of us. I'm aware that I'm too vague headed to express what I want to at the moment so I'll stop filling your page with my essay!
Wishing you every luck with your therapy. I hope you are able to find a lot of healing in it. It's reassuring to read about short term things helping others even if it's not a magic fix, every step along the way goes to finding our way a little easier.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Saluki, nice of you to drop by. I looked up what a Saluki is, I didn't know. And I like your ladybug too, one of my Inner Child Parts is called Ladybug.
And although it's not at all nice to know some of these things happened to you too, it is good we can share. That really helps. Thank you.

[Desert Flower]

I must say my first real therapy session went very well today. Exceeded my expectations really. I'm very happy about that.

I was a little bit apprehensive but confident too when I went there. And this T has this approach of 'walk and talk'. So we walked through a forest and sat by a lake a little away from my neighbourhood. And she acknowledged I might not feel completely safe being in the forest and with people walking their dogs so that helped.

And what I liked very much was that she started right where I was at the moment, not from what she had planned (although she is still working from the Schema Therapy perspective). And as I had been working with my Parts in the past days, she went right in there with me. I felt supported.
First, we created my own safe place, which was nice.
And then we worked with the baby part, we unwrapped her, held her (the T held the baby actually after she asked if that was okay and I sat with them), we gave the baby a nice room with some soft toys, sang songs to her. And the baby started making little sounds and playing with her toes (I'm surprised how fast this happened) and it was very nice and comfy.

I told her afterwards I had been a little scared that she went in straight away to the most vulnerable part but I also felt like something had opened up and I had been able to handle it all right. And it's good to start with these basic needs.

And I must say, therapy has come long way since my first terribly useless experiences with it. This might actually be very helpful. I now feel we're actually healing something.

Now, I do have some backlash of being tired and my back hurting a bit, but this is a protector I know very well and I'll be able to handle.

Next time, we will be working on my biography (I already wrote that) and my basic needs.

(I looked in on the protectors later on and they were surprised and befuddled that I had been able to handle this. They're not quite sure what to do now.)

[AphoticAtramentous]

Today has been such a great day. I did something great for myself: I asked for help! In the workplace even! 

That's awesome! I understand how daunting it can be to work up for the courage for this stuff, so it's all very commendable.

Hearing about your parts discoveries and communication is really nice to hear, I'm glad you're getting these benefits out of therapy! I don't know what all these part archetypes are or what they entail but it's really neat that you know.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

Hey DF, my therapist gave me a little tiny plastic baby and has asked me to take care of that baby-self in me, protect it, comfort it, like I myself would like to be comforted. Sounds like you are doing a lot of good things in therapy. Good to read and know, thanks. 

[Desert Flower]

Hi Chart, nice of you to drop by. I hope you are okay.

Yes, my therapist also suggested I keep a little plushy with me to comfort when I need it. So take that with me as well now.