Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

So here's what caused the EF. This is what I wrote last Wednesday, but was afraid to post because I was afraid the person concerning would read it. But chances of that are really, really small.

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I'm so scared - Wednesday 18 december 2024

I'm in a real tough spot at the moment. This is a big EF that started yesterday. I'm hoping writing about it will help, I'm not sure. I was actually supposed to take it easy for a few days before Christmas, as the company doctor (very gentle person) told me I could take more time on sick leave to process things, which should have been good. But first, my manager didn't quite understand what was going on and how long I'd be away, and I don't know myself and I had a hard time explaining. And then, I started worrying about spending Christmas time with my M and so I was already not relaxing.

Long story, apologies. So then the thing happened that I'm really scared of the most and that I'm trying to avoid all the time. My cleaning lady got really angry with me, while I was (consciously) trying to be nice to her. And this to me feels life-threatening. People being angry with me.

The thing is, this is not a stable person, she has issues (too). And that's why I had been trying very hard to accommodate her, take care of her needs, so she would be able to do the cleaning at our house. She had said before that the cleaning was therapeutic to her and also that her father was murdered. Say no more. So one of the things was, she could't work when we were around. So I had been sending my dear h away to work elsewhere (he works from home a lot these days), this was actually a bit of a hassle for him and he really felt he was being sent away too, but he still went, for me. And she has these funny habits with the cleaning and I never dared say anything about them because I knew she would not take that.

Because she had also told me she's the aggressive type whenever she feels bad. So I'm really scared of her. And I thought (hoped?) she liked me because she said other houses she worked at gave her headaches and ours didn't, she liked the atmosphere here. And my husband had proposed to let her go earlier, because something was always up with her. But I really needed someone to do the cleaning as I'm always so busy and I also need some time to myself. And she asked for quite a lot of money and we gave her what she asked.

And the last few weeks, every week something was up with her, either she had to take her grandpa to the hospital, or she had a migraine or she had a bruised wrist and I was still trying to accommodate all of it, shifting her working days around and saying 'no problem'. While actually, it was troubling to me. And the thing is, it's hard for me to trust her, especially because she wouldn't tell us her last name or where she lives, said we just had to trust her or she wouldn't come work, and I really needed it done, so we went along with that. And she has a key to our house! (This is customary in my country. But still.)

So yesterday, again, she said something was up, she needed to press charges against someone and she had had some kind of a blow out with her neighbour and she said she had had a slight concussion for a few days. And she said she needed to change her working day again. And so, I was trying to be nice, saying how annoying this was for her, and apparently this was not enough sympathy (that may have been so) because then she texted: "I quit. Good luck with your life. I think you're really cold. Not even asking how I am! I'll put your house key in your mailbox this weekend." So that really hit me. She's a borderline personality (I looked into this, also on the forum), without any awareness about herself. What she needs is more than I have to give. And so I was scared. So I said: Okay, that's fine. And from her perspective, that probably looked cold indeed. But I just wanted her out of my life now, I was so scared. But it was not the reaction she wanted of course, she probably wanted me to say: Oh I'm so sorry, please stay,  etc. etc. but I just didn't have it in me anymore. This was my limit. And then she went all out saying I should have been happy with her and I didn't deserve her respect and everybody gets what they deserve etc. And I felt so horrible.

Because she has our house key! Oh how stupid I feel about this. And she did say she is gonna bring the key 'round next weekend but that's four days! And I'm afraid she will come into our house and yell at me or worse. And my h ordered new locks, but he won't be able to install them until Friday. So I actually had my h barricade the door for me, because otherwise I would not be able to sleep at all and I was kind of okay after that. And now, I'm afraid to sit close to the door/front window, because I'm home alone and I don't want her so see me. And I'm also afraid she will read this although I don't know how she could know about it. I can't think straight. I feel so stupid!

[Desert Flower]

And I've been thinking: it IS a lot.

As I was in the EF I also became aware that there is indeed a lot for me to process. Every time I've 'dealt with' one thing, the next comes up. That's how it works I suppose.

- trigger warning -

Some part of me wants to write here what the big stuff is, so I know I'm not crazy feeling the way I do. So I know it is a lot indeed. I need to validate my feelings:
- growing up with emotionally neglectful and invalidating and dystymic m
- dad dying when I was eight years old and him never being spoken about ever again
- step dad beating me up, raping M, breaking into the house etc.
- SA
- being stalked for six months by a former colleague (who heard voices), ending in a court case
- another toxic relationship with a classic narcissist just to be sure

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And so it's a real condition isn't it. I learned a lot though. Last year around this time, I was feeling just as bad but had really no idea why, no idea what an EF is.

What bothers me though is while I know I'm in an EF, all I seem to be able to do is grit my teeth and operate in survival mode.

Well, with this last EF, I did feel VERY unsafe. I really did have my husband barricade the door. Maybe waiting it out was all I could do at that moment.
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And just another little thing that I realised is: my uncles are bullies. Yesterday, my m told me over the phone that her brother, my uncle, was being harassed at his house, some people were smearing pudding or whatever on his windows, for the sixth time in a row now. And he said he had no idea who would do such a thing. But it was only him they were targeting, no one else in the neighbourhood was hit. So I thought: this has to be something personal. And it dawned on me, they are always bullying people around, and they don't even notice! They are just so thick. And someone apparently has had enough of that. And my m apparently thinks this behaviour is normal and so did we when we were growing up.

[Desert Flower]

Me too. Things have just been getting steadily worse. I've been off the forum struggling in my past experiences of witnessing violence.

Just wanted to give you a big hug too Chart, since you're also struggling. Your kind words may also be directed to you, dear Chart. Here's to breathing.

And San, SenseOrgan and Armee, thank you, thank you, thank you too.

[Chart]

DF, I'm glad you validated your own situation. I'd like to second that validation. You are dealing with a very difficult situation. And given your traumatic past it is infinitely compounded.

I'd also like to sadly confirm that just knowing about ef's doesn't necessarily diminish their intensity. Knowledge and experience helps, but from my perceptions and understanding, hardened warriors are brought just as low as naive newbies when a core ef is triggered. All the evidence I've come across is that they majorly suck for a long time. The amygdala is an extremely impolite region of the brain, he simply refuses to shut up no matter what we say or do. This has nothing to do with intelligence, you are NOT stupid, this is Trauma.
(And thanks for the hugs!

[sanmagic7]

trauma, indeed, DF.  not your intelligence, not in the least.  i'm sorry you lost a cleaning lady, and i hope you are able to find another, but, personally, because you're someone i care about, i'm glad she's out of your life.  the idea of being scared of someone who works for you is awful!  and, as far as i'm concerned, those new locks can't go on fast enough!

hopefully, you'll be able to have some peace soon.  EF's are soooo frustrating, so horrible.  sending love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you too, San.
And yes, the locks are changed!

[Desert Flower]

So. Well. I survived Christmas with m (and h and kids) at the holiday home.
Today, I took her back home.
And as I set my feet down on the park grounds again, I could feel myself sink into my feet. Sink into my body. I had not felt my body at all these past days. Now starting to relax.

It was hard. About as hard as I thought it would be. When I was halfway through, I started feeling a little better, knowing I was gonna make it.

And yesterday, we went to the ice skating rink with the kids and for a moment there I just felt FREE. It felt so great. And the restaurant we went to yesterday was GREAT too, they had this mamachi dish that was just heavenly. So that helped for a moment.

And now that it's all done, there's this part of me yelling: Hey, I did so great! Everybody liked their gifts, I organised the whole thing, I packed all of the stuff and didn't forget any essentials (thats quite an achievement considering the state I was in!)!!! And why is nobody saying; Well done! You did so great! It's such an achiement indeed. Trying to be perfect and pulling it off. And nobody notices. Well, I notice. So I'm giving this organising/trying to be perfect part some recognition. Well done. You did great. Even if nobody thinks it's a big deal at all. And you were (I was/I am) okay even without the organising and the being perfect. Although I couln't feel that for one bit.

It's so strange. All of the trouble seems to be with me. It's all in my head it seems. Nobody else seems bothered as much. Well, my mom was anxious like she always is, breathing fast and high, but she seems 'all right'. It's almost like I'm making the whole thing up. This tension I have.
Before, I used to be seperated from myself all the time and not even notice it, and I felt closer to my mom then. Now, I feel a whole lot closer to myself, I can feel my feelings and it's like I've now distanced myself from her. And it's hard for me to feel compassion for her. (And I feel I should.) Everything she does or says annoys the h* out of me. And when you look at it from an 'objective' perspective, there isn't anything she does 'wrong'. It's just that tons of teeny, tiny things she does trigger me. Things that I had too much of growing up and I can't stand anything remotely alike anymore. And it makes me miss the things I didn't have (love, encouragement, safety etc.) so much. And I don't have any way to talk to her about it. Which makes it entirely my thing, my problem, my tension.

And I imagined she could see the tension. She keeps looking at me with this puzzled look, as if to say: what's going on. And I want want to say: Nothing's going on!!!! Leave me the h* alone. Leave me be.

And since I can't talk about what's really going on with me, I do not know what to talk to her about at all.

And it's like, since I started recognising what happened and what is going on, the compassionate part of me (that feels compassion for her) is not allowed to be here anymore. Because, if I would let it be here, the hurting children inside would be rebuffed again and I couldn't let that happen anymore. But I noticed, this compassionate part of me also wants to be here. She was here all along and was not 'wrong' either. It's just that it had pushed away some of the hurting children too far. And I feel my way to heal is to acknowledge all of these parts and reconcile them somehow.

[AphoticAtramentous]

And I feel my way to heal is to acknowledge all of these parts and reconcile them somehow.

That seems to be the winning ticket for many of us.
And here's a  for surviving Christmas.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

you did do great, DF!  absolutely, and i'm glad you can recognize that for yourself.

i think it's interesting that you are feeling closer to yourself, at the same time feeling more removed from your M. close enough to be able to tell yourself what a great job you did.  very cool.

.

All of the trouble seems to be with me. It's all in my head it seems. Nobody else seems bothered as much

i've recognized this in myself.  my expectations for me are much higher and stricter than for others.  a double standard that i'm guessing has been put on me by my parents, F especially.  easy to let others slide, but not myself.  all these types of things always seemed to mean more to me than to others.  something seems askew here.

i'm glad you survived, and have come thru to the other side.  well done!  love and hugs 

[Chart]

    
The change feels its way through. No one steps into the same river twice.
 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Aphotic, San and Chart.

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Something happened. Today my friends (dear group of friends since college) were sending each other wishes for the new year and thanking each other for the friendship we have.
And something in me thought: well, I would like to share what's really been going on with me these past weeks. So I told them, very shortly. I just don't want to hide anymore who I am. I did that for long enough. No matter what anyone else thinks about it.
So their reactions were like: 'Wow, that's difficult' or something. And one of my friends' daughters are also going through some really difficult times and she said 'Better not talk about this with them around', I understand that and it's fine. And another said: 'Not all of us can remain calm'. Well, that was triggering. As I might have expected, they are friends and they're being nice but they cannot really understand how this works.
And here's what I was thinking: No, not all of us can remain calm. And that's actually normal. Considering what's happend and where I came from. We should not remain calm. We should run and scream and rage. They cannot know this. But I do. I am actually normal. Even if they now think I've lost it completely. I'm actually saner then I ever was. As long as I know this, I'm fine.
It's actually these times past, when I acted 'normal', that I was much more disturbed. Now, at least I know what's going on. And I'm talking about it. It might sound crazy to an outsider. But I finally feel sane. I know.

[Desert Flower]

And I wish everyone here all the best for the new year! 

I'm afraid of fireworks. 

[StartingHealing]

Desert Flower

You did one heck of a great job! Kudo's to you. 

I'm with you, I dislike with a purple with pink polka dot intensity others having any type of access to where I live.  It's a good thing that you changed the locks.

Thank you for your kind wishes for the new year!  I wish you doubly the same.

Yeah, the booming fireworks suck. 

[sanmagic7]

and a lovely new year to you, too, DF. 

i agree - it is 'normal' to rant and rage against what happened, and i also agree w/ the feeling of being more 'normal' now than i had been in the past.  i coped well, but that was surviving rather than living a 'normal' life.

friends can be well-meaning, and i have one like that who is truly a doll to me, but they can't know if they haven't gone thru it.  so glad you're here.  love and hugs