Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

My therapist gave me some homework and that was difficult.

There was this chart of seven basic needs that should have been fulfilled in our earliest childhood and with me, five out of seven turned out not to have been. And the other assignment was to write my biography and my T gave me some pointers for that like: who did you turn to for comfort (no one) and if there was no one inside the family you could turn to, who outside the family would you turn to (no one) etc. It made me feel really bad/sad.

A while ago I was very happy that I found out there actually was never anything wrong with me, there was a lot wrong with what happened to me. But now, diving into what actually happened to me, has been difficult. And I feel so different from the people around me who do not seem to feel this way at all. Me comparing again, I shouldn't.

And I've also been thinking about what I think Lakelynn said about us grieving what we could have been in life, had we not had this condition. That is really sinking in too. I'm trying to accept what is. And at times I can really feel we do not need to be 'the best' at everything and what matters most is to be happy and I am really happy at times. But I still feel really inadequate many times and not living up to expectations. Whose expectations, would be the question. That would be the part of me that wants to be perfect. Not possible. So this endeavour would be doomed to fail.

And I read a bit of really useful advice from the School of Life about 'what others think of us'. Just in case my feeling inadequate would have something to do with that. SoL said that in ancient times, when we were living in tribes, our lives would actually depend on what others thought of us and fitting in with the group. But in our times, with social securities and all that, it shouldn't matter so much to us anymore what others think. Just as a reminder to myself.

Which would of course be different for infants and very young children, being totally dependent on their parents for survival, which brings me back to my former point of basic needs (not) being met, making us feel very anxious.

And I bought myself a really nice sweater that says "Issues". Cause I've got some, yes.

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I resonate with what you wrote.  I both feel relief and grief for understanding my upbringing through the lens of CPTSD.  I wonder if I will ever truly feel like I belong.  I appreciate what you wrote and am glad to be on this journey with others here.

[AphoticAtramentous]

who did you turn to for comfort (no one) and if there was no one inside the family you could turn to, who outside the family would you turn to (no one) etc. It made me feel really bad/sad.

I feel your pain, Desert Flower. I find there's a lot of questions like that out in the wild that constantly remind us of our needs not being met. Even as something simple as "who is your emergency contact?" And my list is more like a.. "here's who NOT to contact in an emergency", eep.

I understand the grieving, it can be such a lonely and disheartening sensation.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

i can relate, DF.  we may have gotten some very basic needs met, like shelter, perhaps, but being able to turn to someone for comfort?  i didn't have that, either.  and i think getting into the specifics of what went on for us growing up can be extremely painful to face, and can also take some time to grieve.  i know i still am.

slowly, at your own pace, ok?  i've also learned the hard way that going too fast into this stuff can be overwhelming, which often is not a good thing.  love and hugs 

[Desert Flower]

Okay, so before I run out of energy for the day, I really want to write something here. I've been wanting to for some time, but I didn't get round to it.

I've been practicing with these parts and at times it really worked. Like I was driving my car, feeling more and more anxious (not explaining all the details here), but at some point, I took anxiety into my lap and told her okay I know you're here and didn't she know we had done this a thousand times already, we can do this, and she did calm down a little.

And there was something I wanted to write about my former manager, when I told her I was going into therapy, she asked: was this [condition] making me unhappy? Maybe I wrote this before, but it just makes me so mad still, she really didn't get any of it! Yes, it's making me unhappy!!! How would she feel if she was anxious 80% of the time, and sad or tired the rest of the time??? That doesn't feel nice does it? Bloody h***! Just needed to vent that, apologies.

So I've been doing all right this week I think. Practicing being present, feeling my parts when they come up, communicating about what I feel.

My daughter really made me feel good yesterday, she said: Why would you need therapy at all, mum? Meaning, she thinks there's nothing wrong with me (she's not so sensitive, not easily impressed, like my husband too). I like that.

So I had another GREAT therapy session yesterday. Really, I am very impressed and it is so much better than I expected it to be (my earliest experiences with therapy 30 years ago were terrible). We now worked with the experience I wrote about before of being scolded by my m for asking for help.

My therapy is Schematherapy and it is very much working with the inner children (disfunctional or more functional) and inner parents or inner critics. So there's the vulnerable child, the angry child etc, somewhat similar to Parts Work I think.
And in addition we've been doing Imagery or Imaginairy (both terms are used) Rescripting and wow this is powerful! I really feel like were restoring the cracks in my foundation so to speak. I really feel more solid afterwards.

So in yesterday's session we rescripted the asking for help experience, the t stepped in and told the child what she had done was indeed well done and told the m she should not be scolding her children for asking for help. And the t brought in some more adults that we as kids could turn to whenever a situation like that occurred again. And she told my m she needed to get help for herself. And the child really felt supported and okay about herself. Like the adults were now taking care of business. And the child could relax.

Here's some resources about this kind of therapy that I found. Some of the titles are about PTSS, but actually this also goes for C-PTSS, and CSA as well (and apparently beneficial for people with autism too).

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/233667393_Imagery_Rescripting_A_New_Treatment_for_Survivors_of_Childhood_Sexual_Abuse_Suffering_From_Posttraumatic_Stress
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0005791607000651?via%3Dihub
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1077722921001243?via%3Dihub

I really feel therapy has come a long way and I'm very happy about this and hopeful now something can actually be achieved here.

[Chart]

 

[rainydiary]

I celebrate with you all the things that are feeling good right now.

[Desert Flower]

And today I know I am gonna be all right.

(Yesterday evening, I took my m to a concert and she actually really liked it and so did I. And last night, it rained ever so softly and that was nice too.)

And I just recently started talking about the most difficult stuff here and I know I will be able to process it now. I know I am strong enough now. I am in a safe and supportive place. I can do this. And I know I can feel better. No, this stuff won't ever go away and maybe I won't even change so much. But I noticed I can start accepting who I am and how I work. And I started taking care of my needs. So what if I'm different. So what If I'm vulnerable. That's okay. Here I am. This is it. And I can do this. Thank you all for the support.

[sanmagic7]

DF, that all sounds so wonderful!  very glad you're having good therapy sessions - so helpful. and i'm loving that attitude - your strength is shining thru the screen.  keep up the good work    love and hugs

[Chart]

I agree DF, you can do this. And your post brought tears to my eyes because I know what you are feeling and that ray of hope when we get it is so HUGE... I feel it too. It's indescribable... I know I'm going to survive... And I feel love around me now. Poop, I'm crying again...
Thank you

[Desert Flower]

And today I just feel awful. Just when I thought I was doing so great. And I know I am doing great work, I do.
But it just became too much today. There's just so much to do, things to be taken care of, job, kids, take the car to the garage, take care of my m somehow. I just don't know how to do all of it. I know rationally I can do all this, all of it usually gets done after all, and still this doens't give me the belief that I can do it. It's just me feeling I can't do it. And I get so stressed out and today I'm just so fed up with feeling this way.
I've been feeling like this all my life it feels. Just stressed out all the time. I just hate it so thoroughly. I want it to go away.
So I called in sick today for work because I have been crying for an hour now at my desk (working from home today). My manager knows I'm in this process and he said no problem. But I just feel like such a failure for not doing everything that everybody else seems to be able to handle.
Although I do think it's good that I am finally crying. I never used to be able to cry at all.
But now I just feel like how am I gonna accept that this is it? This is the way I am. I am such a difficult mother to my kids, I just wish I could do better and not be so stressed out over nothing all the time but I just can't (at the moment). I just hope it's a step in my process and it will get better again.

[Chart]

Hey DF, I've come to regard the amygdala as a massive monster. I actually equate it to a black hole out in deep space. Certain black holes are over 100 times the mass of our sun. You, me, all of us are dealing with our brain, and on the emotional level, specifically, the amygdala. Developmental trauma got it seriously out of whack, and it's a monster. An enormous, unequivocal, devouring monster.

But to my view, you are doing EXACTLY what you need to be doing to begin dealing effectively with your trauma. Perhaps with one caveat, but please don't feel bad when I point it out because it's something we ALL do: You're being really tough on yourself. You think because now you "know" what you have is trauma, it should and will just start to evaporate... It's not easy to evaporate a black hole 100 times more massive than the sun.

Here's how I think it works and what I am doing. I am assembling a tool box. Here are the items in it. I think you are doing the same.
1) Good trauma therapy with a caring therapist, devoted, committed and with lots of different tools and techniques to suggest and do.
2)Writing, writing writing writing... (I see you all over the forum. You write a lot. I know, I'm doing the same ) Writing is one of the ways we "process" information. Effective therapeutic "processing" gets it out of the hands of the amygdala, and stored away in a safe place that allows recall without flashback.
3) Learning and gaining consciousness of ourselves. Reading books, online material, watching annoying YouTube videos, not once but over and over... Going to online seminars... and reading and reacting to people on the Forum (or anywhere). You sure are doing that one too. Me too. Right now, writing all this to you I am "processing" the information I already have, but I'm organizing and REINFORCING it. Instead of going to lie down after lunch, I checked the Forum. I read you post. I'm now working on my trauma. (Thank you by the way, you know? )
4) Did I mention reading and responding on the Forum
5) I do some body work. Breathing and abdominal training (Methode Guillarme). I also do PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation). Both of these have improved my sleep. A great deal of "processing" occurs during sleep. Good sleep helps healing (but it's not always easy to do, so working on that with my therapist has been immensely helpful).
5) I also do Cardiac Coherence. Five minutes of timed-breathing. This literally calms the nervous system down. It's rare that I don't feel the effects. Sometimes I repeat another five minutes. I almost 100% of the time feel at least a slight change in the "relief" direction. I reinforce my consciousness of this, as I have a tendency to do things for awhile, then slack off to nothing.

So in one month I'd say I brought myself out of a 90% constant flashback to 40%. I did do intensive therapy during that whole month (3 hours every two days for thirty days). My therapist wants to begin doing intensive therapy like this on a regular basis with her clients. I actually think it's a good idea too. Dina's journal recounts this same sort of thing with MDMA assisted therapy. I'm doing Neurofeedback and will continue along that route.

But maybe the point of all this is that idea of a tool box. There's all sorts of methods, techniques, options, theories, etc. We each build our own toolbox as we go along. We try all sorts of different stuff and try to analyze accurately what actually works (which can be especially tricky with pain and trauma as it seems like NOTHING really works... and this is where we have to be particularly stoic and try to get out of the emotional deluge. What we perceive as "small" progress shouldn't bring us down. I'm convinced there are all sorts of things going on in the brain that do not, if ever, come to our conscious awareness. So we are inevitably very poor judges of "progress". That's where being nice to ourselves really becomes important. For many of us this is totally alien because we've simply NEVER experienced it. If our family wasn't nice to us how could we possibly learn to be nice to ourselves? Makes sense. Lots of people have written about different techniques, like shouting at their inner critic... whatever works. But we have to do it. Be nice to ourselves.

Boy, that was a rant! But I hear you about your kids. I so identify. I want to be a good dad, but I really screwed a lot of stuff up with my kids. And now that I'm on my last one (11 yrs) I'm fighting that tendency to be negative and self-critical. It's working. I'm getting better and I know that I am a good dad. (Dina wrote beautifully about this in her journal...) I will ALWAYS acknowledge the errors I made raising my kids. I will not deny anything. And my kids know this. When the days comes I will not blind myself to my own mistakes.

As it is I have a great relationship with my son and youngest daughter. And there's plenty of time and I will continue healing and I'm positive and optimistic that this life is really worth living.

Sorry to take up your journal space with my history. But the intention is to help by sharing.

Edit : And all that and I'm actually on the downward end of an annoying flashback. I spent all Monday in bed, the whole day. I'm starting to come out of it. Writing all this in your journal has also helped. I actually feel okay. So thanks!!!

Big hugs and hang in there!
 

[Desert Flower]

OH Chart you are so great and priceless! Coming to the rescue like that again. I cannot say how much I appreciate it. I'm gonna put YOU in my toolbox!

And you're right, I am being too hard on myself many a times. Like I was just now.

You left only one thing out though, the name of that hospital where they surgically remove the amygdala please. I don't care what it costs. I can really do without.

So yeah, I'll keep it up. I'll get to "I can do it" again. I just arranged for my son to eat at a friends' house (very difficult asking for help but I did it) so I can have a bit of a rest myself.

Thanks so much 

[sanmagic7]

glad you're getting a little rest time for you, DF, and congrats on asking for help!  well done!

i hate this roller coaster ride of feeling good one day, horrible the next.  it can truly be discouraging.  at times i can remember what so many here have said - this, too, shall pass.  i hope you can as well.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you sanmagic7