Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

So I've been away for a while. I've been reading some posts here and there, but it seems I don't know where to start replying or I don't know so many helpful things to say, apologies.

Just some stuff I wanted to get off my chest here. Not coherent maybe.

So the guinnee pig is ill. It makes me sad because it is the most gentle creature in the world and now we have to force feed him.

I was very sad about my yoga teacher retiring after I took her classes for six years. I did find a new yoga place that's quite nice. But it will never be as great as it was. And three weeks without yoga was not good for me.

So I did get my reserved desk at work. And then I told my collegues about it in a team meeting and that went okay.And sitting at the desk I actually got some work done. Yay.

Yesterday, I went to a big horse event with my daughter and the first few hours I was totally overwhelmed. And I knew I was while I was in it. Half way through I took a time out and after that it went better.

And last friday I had my first EMDR session, which turned out great actually. Yes, I do think we're going somewhere with that. 

But what's bothering me most is how to deal with this long term. Life is just so different since I'm aware what's going on. Going in and out of EF's and being aware of that. Like that big event and being overwhelmed, while I used to go to parties and festivals all the time and I just never used to feel a thing and I used to be drunk/high at that and I know that's not healthy either but somehow it seemed easier? But will these feelings lessen? Will I get used to them? Or will it just be me trying to cope, just bearing the responsibility myself?

It's an EF writing this I know. Because I was better earlier in the day and earlier I did think the the feelings will get better. And my daughter said something that upset me, we were at the stables and she was walking a horse and I was supposed to open the fence and then at the last minute I got scared and I called someone to come help and my daughter didn't understand and she said what did you do that for? And I went into an EF, sorry sorry sorry I did something wrong. I just feel really stupid about it. And this is my daughter, and she's so stable and better at these things then I am. There I go comparing again, I shouldn't. So I'm crying now. Will crying help? To feel what I'm feeling or just push it away?

I've been reading the School of Life, I really like them. And one of the things was I kept blaming myself for was why did it take me so long to finally see what's going on. And SoL explained that we need to have some measure of security in life and some sense of safety before we can start looking at ourselves for real. So no need to beat myself up for not seeing it for so long. I was in real distress for so long. So I am in a better place now.

And there are days that I am actually feeling very safe and calm. And this is strange too, like I lost my sense of urgency, my edge or my drive. It feels lazy. But I think that's okay.

And another thought I had today, what if I were to 'trust' my brain to send me into dissociation again whenever I would get too scared? So I could try feeling all these feelings without freaking out too much, knowing my brain will save me again if/when it has to? Does that make sense?

So yeah, that was rambling. I wish everyone here well, take care dear friends.

[Chart]

For rambling that was very deep and powerful, DF. I think you're doing great. The answers to your own questions stike me as spot on. Ramble on!

[NarcKiddo]

It's good to get all these things down sometimes. It didn't feel like rambling when I was reading it.

Sorry to hear about the G pig. I hope he gets better soon. I used to keep them; they are such adorable little creatures.

[sanmagic7]

it makes perfect sense to me, DF, that you can count on your brain to help you.  i loved reading that! love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you all.

----------------

I just spent the weekend with my old college friends at our holiday home, the six of us. And although I did find it difficult at times, I do think I handled it well.

I told them about my diagnosis, and although they cannot understand completely like people here on the forum, they could relate to some parts and they were really kind and supportive about it.

And I had set some bounderies beforehand that I wanted to keep and I did keep them all! I retreated to my room when I needed to, did my meditations and left the restaurant when I felt overwhelmed there, although that did take me some time and consideration - starting with the thought 'okay I really don't want to be sitting here anymore with all of their stories and the music etc.' and then pushing that away apparently because at some point I began feeling dizzy and I thought 'If I were sitting here with my husband and kids this would be the moment I would say something' and then I did say I wasn't feeling well and one of my friends said do you want to leave and I said yes and she asked do you want to go alone or do you want me to go with you and I said I would like it if she came with me and that was very helpful.

So yes, I am learning to do what is necessary for me to take care of my needs. Even if I don't manage to relax totally (I was sleeping in a room with one of my friends and while sleeping I was aware that I was trying not to bother her with my moving or breathing), that would be asking too much, I am doing better than I used to.

And now I miss my husband and kids so I'll be going home.

[Desert Flower]

And now that I've been home for a few hours, I can feel how anxious I actually was this weekend and how tired I am now. I do feel safe now.

(And I notice I have this opinion about myself that I should be able to feel safe with my best friends from college at our own holiday home, but it turns out I really didn't. It's not that I think they would ever hurt me in any way. But it's this feeling of 'Am I good enough?, Am I doing everything right? Am I not gonna make any mistakes?, Will they think I'm stupid? etc. etc. Even though they tell me I'm so brave taking this on, doing so great, hugging me etc. It's this feeling deep inside me. That's were safety 'should' be. That's what I'm working on.)

[Papa Coco]

HI Desert Flower

It's good to hear how well you held to your boundaries while with your college friends. And great to hear that you enjoyed yourself while balancing your boundaries appropriately.

My experience would have been very similar to yours. When I'm with people I feel tense. I notice it mostly when I get home and suddenly, I relax and all my muscles ache as if I'd just run a marathon. It's exhausting. It's likely much the same experience as yours, where I am on high alert: Watching every facial movement, and every whisper one person does into the ear of another, wondering if they're saying something about how I'm sitting, or what I'm looking at, or how my hair is combed--even when I know they wouldn't do that. Triggers are triggers.

I suppose that's what they call hypervigilance, or at least a version of it. Always on high alert when with friends. It's a conundrum because I love being with friends. I like parties. I like gatherings. But they wear me out. I'm often incredibly worn out afterward, even when I'm the organizer, caterer, and have had a good time with people I trust. It STILL wears me out.

Its really nice that, even though they didn't fully understand your diagnosis the way the forum members do, they still did their best to show you compassion, understanding, and respect. Your friend who asked if you wanted someone to go to the room with...what a nice gesture on her part.

I hope your relaxation at home goes well now.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Papa Coco. You're so kind. 

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I appreciate what you noticed about safety with your friend.  I find safety so confusing and fascinating and helpful to notice.  I hope that you find some ease.

[sanmagic7]

always interesting to notice those thoughts that run thru our heads around people who 'should' be safe. i've gone thru that list of questions myself, and it's exhausting. it does feel like hypervigilance.  ugh!  i'm just glad your friends were supportive.  may i just add that you are, indeed, good enough.  love and hugs

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Rainy, I did find some ease actually.

And Thank you too San, I can feel that I am good enough.

 

[Hope67]

Hi Desert Flower,
I'm glad you were able to share things with your friends on your weekend away, and that they were supportive.  I hope you're doing ok since you got back home - I know you had missed your husband and your children.  I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope

[Chart]

 

[NarcKiddo]

I think you did really well on the weekend away. I am glad your friends were supportive. As for not feeling safe - I totally get that. I am very reluctant to go away these days, even just with my husband. I was not sure why because we have always enjoyed trips away - or so I thought. Since starting therapy I have started finding some feelings of safety at home and I think that is why I don't like to go away because then I don't feel safe. Before, I never felt truly safe anywhere so going away was not a particular stress.

I think, though, that true safety comes when you know you can trust yourself to keep yourself safe regardless of where you are and who you are with. So it seems to me that your weekend away was a great thing to do. You were able to prove to yourself that you could set and enforce boundaries, and that you could leave the restaurant when you felt bad rather than having to endure it because you thought you "should". Well done. 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you, all.

And thank you, NarcKiddo, that's an excellent point you made there. This goes for me too.

It's only this past year that I felt a few times what it was like to be truly relaxed and to feel absolutely safe. It's such a strange feeling to me. It feels like I'm really really heavy, really feeling my feet sink into the ground or my body into the chair. And it feels lazy. Like I don't want to do anything. I just wanne be. And also, it's so quiet in my mind then, nothing to worry about. And it's only since this experience, that I know there actually is another state besides being anxious all the time like I was, and this has been the greatest impetus for my renewed journey of recovery. I just never knew it was there. And now I know how 'other' people actually feel. Life could be so much easier.

And knowing this has now brought out the question of how I want to feel. I just never thought I had a choice. I now know that being at home helps me get to this state of relaxation and safety most naturally. So this newly found part of me now just wants to stay at home all the time. Of course I don't, I got too much stuff to do, but still.

And this reminds me of another thing I read from the School of Life. They said that people (kids) become introverts because of the experience of not being able to have their own needs met when they are around other people. They are (were taught to be) too busy taking care of other people's needs. And so, they prefer to be alone. And so this turns out what I have been practicing: being around other people AND getting my needs met (somewhat).