Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

And the other day, my therapist said that I had come such a long way already, I have been doing so great, despite the lack of support (to put it mildly) I experienced for such a long time. And this felt like recognition. To have a professional say that I suppose.
And afterwards I thought, how I did this was by being awfully strict with myself. Never allowing myself to feel anything (too dangerous), never allowed to make any mistake, never allowed myself any slack at all. Always being on high alert.
And finally, now, I'm coming to a place where I can actually see the needs that were never met and finally, I'm actually starting to take care of my needs. I knew I needed to before, but I didn't do it. And now I am doing it.

[Desert Flower]

(My therapist and I did a session with the ladybug-part of me last week). A little kid (5-6 years old) in a ladybug/ carnaval's outfit, terrified of being there, of being at all.

And I was at my mother's the next day, and while I was there, I could actually feel the part struggling and wanting to be heard within. And I heard her and I stayed even so but I was able to make the distinction between the adult me, who had decided to do this (go on this visit) and the kid/part (that really really wanted to get away). And that made it better to handle the situation. Acknowledging my feelings, I suppose.

[Desert Flower]

And here's a big thing that changed in my mind as well.

(I'm a little bit hesitant of writing it here, because I'm still afraid of acting on it and I'm expecting people here to say I should act on it. So just to be up front about it: I might not act upon it. I may not be ready.)

What I thought was this: What if I was not obliged to take my m with us on holidays? What if I just made that up? Where is it written that this is a must? Does everybody with an elderly mother do this? Well, some do. Some don't. And what if it brings so much tension for me to do this? What if I deserve a proper holiday, without this tension? And what if I were to just make up a bunch of excuses for not taking her, because I couldn't possibly say why for real. What if I just said I don't have enough days off from work (although I could buy some) or what if the kids are now at an age that they really need their own rooms so we don't have enough rooms anymore. Or whatever.
What if I just provided her with the bare minimum, just the practical stuff that needs fixing? And I stop trying to save her emotionally. Becuase I can't anyway. And I shouldn't have to. What if I just didn't?
'Cause all I ever got from her (I'm finding this really difficult to write still, big FOG still here) was the bare minimum too wasn't it? I never got any love from her either? Or any help, any encouragement. Nothing.

So that. Just a thought.

[NarcKiddo]

Now, those kind of "what if" thoughts are really helpful ones to have, I think. You don't have to act on any "what if" thought but I think it is good that you are reviewing your long-held beliefs. Some may be right and some may be incorrect. Some may once have been right but no longer serve you. Some may once have been a really big deal but now may not be all that important when you really think about it. It's always good to examine them from time to time.

Good for you - both for having the guts to have the thought, and for having the guts to write it here, so you can come back and look at it again if you want to.

[Chart]

Absolutely. Every idea begins with a hypothesis... a "whatif".
Wisdom is taking an idea and then letting it evolve in the mind. And I don't believe anyone is going to be so dogmatic as to suggest what you "should" or "shouldn't" do. That's entirely your business, to decide when and how you're ready.

I haven't spoken more than a few words to my mother over the past two years. I'm still mulling so many things over in my mind. And I've prioritized my own healing. And I'm just flat-out angry, so best to keep some distance while I'm still unclear. But that's me and every person and situation is unique.
 

[Papa Coco]

Dessert Flower,

As I'm reading your questions, they all sort of lead to one master question in my mind: "What if I stop doing what I've been doing for M, and change things up a bit to make life fairer for me?"

When you said that all the help you give her doesn't seem to help, so you keep trying, the words that came across my inner movie screen was Dr. Phil's "So how's that workin' for ya?" You've been trying to help someone who doesn't appreciate your help, nor have your efforts changed her for the better at all.

I only know what I've read here about how your relationship with M works. But from what you said, it sounds like you are an amazing, caring child who is lovingly still trying to help her find happiness and nothing you're doing is working, so you're asking if it's okay for you to change things up a bit.

My wife and I took her mom in to live with us when she was recently widowed at age 72. She lived with us in our house for 14 years until she finally passed of old age and from lung problems after a life of smoking and eating poorly. Mom was a good one. She was very happy. She wasn't a lot of work, but as she aged, we found ourselves trapped at home more and more for fear of leaving her alone.  This is a case of something we felt compelled to do, and she was very appreciative. MANY TIMES I told my wife that I was happy to be giving her mom this help, but if it were my mom, she'd be put in a home. I would NEVER do for my mother what I did for my MIL. My mom would have driven me insane. Never happy. Afraid of everything. A control freak. Always treating me like I'm too fragile to take care of myself, so how could I take care of her? ...

I guess I'm just thinking that if taking M on trips ruins the trip for you and doesn't help her feel any joy anyway, then why do it? If anyone treats me with contempt, why the h*ll would I want to take them on vacation with me?

I know this is all much easier said than done. I'm only offering a viewpoint for consideration. I'm not a fan of CBT, which is what Dr. Phil is, but "How's that workin' for ya'?" Can be a helpful question to answer once in a while.

My caution is that if you were to leave her behind, you need to be sure you can endure the aftermath. For me, anytime I didn't give someone what they wanted, I spent the next decades regretting, or at least questioning, whether I should have done what I'd done. That's sad. We give up our freedom so as to people-please. But if we stand up for ourselves, we then have to go to therapy to try and recover from having not given our lunch money to the bully. It's kind of a trauma-trap that grips us.

Remember the old saying, Love our neighbors AS ourselves. NOT instead of ourselves. The word "as" implies that we need to love ourselves with the same compassion that we love others with. Again: easier said than done, but with practice, it's doable. When someone doesn't want help, and we help them anyway at the cost of our own happiness, and then they just return to their own sad bitterness afterward anyway, then the only thing we really did was put ourselves into misery for no good reason.

BUT! If we aren't ready to live with our decision to let go of helping someone, we'll trade one misery for another.

I think it's GENIUS that you brought this to the forum asking for thoughts, but admitting you might not be ready to do what you wish you could do. That's stepping into the pool one toe at a time, and I think it's VERY wise what you're doing. You don't have to stop helping your mom, but you ARE allowing yourself to think about whether you could or not.

That right there is the next step that will lead to the next one. You can at least contemplate what it would be like to free yourself from trying to help someone who doesn't respond to help. No harm, no foul. Nobody gets hurt by you at least contemplating it.  Allowing yourself the freedom to want to break free from her will lead you to some sort of better place. Whether it helps you let go in the future, or it helps you to adjust to a new win/win way of helping Mom WHILE honoring yourself, then that's a good next step to hope for.

It's been my experience that when I start holding my boundaries and giving myself gifts that don't include the people whom I feel tied to, that I go into a precarious state of anxiety. My Therapist works with me on that. He helps me to put boundaries up. He warns me that it's going to really freak me out. He helps me weather the internal storms of guilt and fear that pound on me after I've put up a boundary and have to bring up the courage to continue holding that boundary. It was horrifyingly painful at first, but with his help, I'm beginning to feel safe saying no to people now. It takes time, and we are wise to not push it too fast. But by putting a toe in one at a time, I was able to survive the first few months of forcing myself to say no to people. So be cautious of that. Saying no to people is really scary at first. It's best done slowly and with the help of people who are on your side.

These are just my opinions. DON'T do anything until you're ready but DO give yourself full permission to think about future options.

I think you're a very awesome person to be so willing to help the m who probably doesn't really deserve it. It says truly wonderful things about what a caring and loving person you are.

It's okay to ponder your questions. I'm honored to be one of the people you bounced these thoughts off of.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Papa Coco, for taking the time and the consideration to write your kind words. They're very precious to me.

To answer Dr. Phill: It's not working out quite so well, actually.

Thank you for pointing out you would not have considered taking your m in, I won't either. The sooner she goes to a home, the better. But she's too good for that still.

I'm not ready for the guilt and the anxiety of stopping to take care of her completely. But I do hear what you're saying about dippping my toe in, and then maybe taking small steps next. I may not have to visit her every week, maybe I can change that to once every two weeks. Just so I will feel better. Maybe I can go from being the Perfect Daughter (which doesn't actually get me anything anyway) to being a little less perfect daughter, and then being a good daughter, to being a so so daughter. Maybe that's doable. I like it. I'll let that simmer.

[rainydiary]

The questions you are asking resonate with me and I am trying to stop over performing in some situations.  I hope you find a way forward that feels right to you.

[Desert Flower]

Today I feel terrible physically. I wrote some emotional posts these past few days that I'm sure caused this. Just for coherence for myself, I'll put some links here.

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16361.0
about finding the old file

and

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16362.msg147586#new
about wanting Justice

And now everything in my body is telling me I need to take a break and take it easy. I've been pushing myself too hard and my brain/CNS is afraid I will not be able to handle this. I know I can but I'll need to pace myself and will pause here for a bit and rest now. Called in sick today for work.

[Chart]

Hey DF, ditto, me the same. But in my case I'm praying for rain so that I can stay in bed all day. Good rest to you.
 

[Desert Flower]

I'm going through a rough period. I'm reading 'Life, reinvented' and this sums up exactly every thing I've experienced in this respect. It is bringing me a great deal of relief actually. I'm almost happy about this.

-Triggger Warning-

But in the process another instance of rape/SA has arisen that I had totally dissociated, but that I'm now sure actually happened too. There were many other instances, so my mind really just wants to put this one on the existing pile quickly and be over with it. But I've learned that I will indeed have to look at it for real if I want to make any progress in dealing with my anxiety etc. That's why I'm putting it here now. It's real. I don't like it (to put it mildly), but it is in fact real.

I'm going out to dinner with my husband tonight and the sun is shining but this has now spoiled my day. 

[rainydiary]

Desert Flower, I hope you find some rest and ease from the challenging feelings coming up. 

[Papa Coco]

Desert Flower

My heart is with yours as you wade through this current EF period. The SA memories come back on me when I least expect them to, and it sounds like that's happening to you right now too. I am glad you are reaching out to the forum for support. Using the friendship of others who know a bit about the same stressors as you, is a good way to mitigate the EFs. We can't seem to stop them, but we can use our friends to help us weather them. I put my EFs into the same category as weather storm fronts. They come over us whenever THEY want to. We can't control their timing nor their strength. Our best chance at surviving them is accepting them as being part of the CPTSD condition, hunkering down in a nice warm house, knowing that these EF storms leave just as quickly as they come.

One of the things I dislike most about having CPTSD is that it keeps coming back on me. I have good weeks and bad weeks. I hate that. I wish I could make the EFs stay away from me altogether. Much of it comes predictably on certain dates or times of the year. Fall, for example, still smells of the trauma and fear that I lived through as a child. School was a terrifying place for me, and this time of year makes my anxiety crash with my depression. I don't know how to explain it, but I can be deeply depressed and wildly anxious at the same exact time. I can be happy and sad at the same time. I can be loving my friends and wanting to be alone at the same time.  But certain times of year, I can't seem to climb up out of the trauma-drama.

I'm in the throws of remembering some violent sexual abuse I endured at age 6-8. It is coming back on me like bad food. I didn't go out looking for this EF that I'm falling into right now. IT found ME! 

To pull up about 40,000 feet, and look down at the world from a distance, I guess I can more easily see that my unwelcome depression/anxiety/memory flashback EF storms are just part of how to live with CPTSD for the long run. I hate that these EFs come on me without my permission, but I love that I now know they leave just as quickly as they come. So, I don't sit and worry that my happy life is over anymore. I now see that I'm in a temporary emotional storm that all I have to do is shelter myself until it passes. That's a big improvement for me. I used to be like a teenager who believed one bad day meant my life was ruined. As an elder now who has been through so many of these storms that I couldn't count them all if I tried, I now know that the storms come and then they go. And I will feel better when the storm just sort of dissipates and lets me enjoy my life again for a little while.

I guess that while I'm in the EFs, that's the time to work on myself. My therapist is always glad that we have session on days when my EFs are in bloom. He tells me that they are the best sessions because he can work real-time with my unhappy parts. I don't get a lot of benefit from sessions when I go in feeling great. That's like going to the doctor when I'm not sick. What can he do for me if I'm not sick that day?

One of the attributes of human life is that we learn best while we suffer. Again, if we're feeling happy and satisfied, why would we work to improve? Why fix what isn't broken? We fight for our mental and emotional health because we need to improve it. I hate this but it's true: We learn through our suffering, not through our joy. I hate that rule. But I understand it. So when I suffer like I am right now, I reach out for support, and I try to be grateful that the unseen powers of fate and circumstance care enough for me to keep me growing in a learning state.

These EFs happen but we are not helpless in them. We have support through OOTS, therapists, myriad authors, emerging therapies and medications... They say that when we smile the world smiles with us, but when we cry, we cry alone. I don't agree. Here on the forum, when we are under distress, we can reach out and others do respond with love and kindness and emoji hugs.

We don't cry alone here.

Here's a hug to help you get through today's EF struggle.

PC

[Desert Flower]

Thank you Rainy and Papa Coco.

I really do feel surrounded by friends here and that helps.

I am in a crappy state still.

I am consiously turning myself to some niceties of life.

Dinner with my husband turned out to be really nice. We watched a great sunset over our city from the lake and enjoyed that together. At the restaurant, we were seated nicely in the corner, and I was facing the entrance so that helped. Although we were seated in between a young girl with her grandpa apparently, grandpa was a  little deaf so she was speaking loudly and she was talking about her patients in the psychiatric hospital 
And on the other side was a bully/criminal with his family it seemed, of whom the mother/grandma had some body language that did not look good to me.

So the next day, I decided to come along to my nieces' birthday party, which turned out quite nice too. Although I had to withstand my sister-in-law again, as soon as I said something about how I felt, she started off on the menopause again and I had to tell her quite firmly (I did) that that really wasn't my biggest problem right now. And she backed off. And I went to sit down when I felt I needed to because my back was still acting up. And after that I did have some nice conversations with some people I had not met before and I was distracted from my troubles for a while.

And today I decided that we as a family are gonna go see some kids' movie and I'm looking forward to that.

In the mean time, like I said, my body is acting up like it hasn't in quite a while. I'm really not feeling so good.

I should have been taking it easy with all this processing, like I said a few days ago, but I haven't at all. So my brain is still scared I'll hurt myself and it is bringing in all the physical stuff.

Finding the file, wanting justice and reading 'Life, Reinvented' really has been a lot for me to process. Reading 'Life, Reinvented' was monumental for me, I should really say. I've not gotten close to the abuse like that in a very long time. I've really not gotten to terms with that at all, although I may act knowledgeable around this stuff here and tough, I'm not at all really.

And what you wrote Papa Coco about these EF's returning when they will, is very valuable. I think I had been trying to just work through all of it at once now, and be over with it once and for all. And that's not how this is gonna work. It's a Process and it will continue to be a Process and it will not ever be over probably. And I'm finding that really hard to accept actually. I would just like this to be over with so much.

There's three big parts to my Trauma: the Neglectful m, the Abuse and Losing my dad suddenly and without him ever being spoken about again. So I've got two really good books about the first two parts now, and I already ordered a book about the third part now. Reading books is also how I process things. But I really need to be taking it easier and just feel for a while even though I don't want to.

Gently, slowly, just sit with it. Just sit with what is and not try to run from it (like I used to) or push through it like I have been doing. Stay here with it for a while.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you feel able to do what you need to get through this current tough spot.