Desert Flower's Recovery Journal

[Desert Flower]

A while ago, I wrote:

- trigger warning -

Some part of me wants to write here what the big stuff is, so I know I'm not crazy feeling the way I do. So I know it is a lot indeed. I need to validate my feelings:
- growing up with emotionally neglectful and invalidating, and dystymic and anxious m
- dad dying when I was eight years old and him never being spoken about ever again
- step dad beating me up, raping M, breaking into the house etc.
- SA for three-and-a-half years
- being stalked for six months by a former colleague (who heard voices), ending in a court case
- another toxic relationship with a classic narcissist just to be sure

And it's almost unbelievable: I forgot a major thing:
- being bullied for ten years by some kid who pretended to be my friend

And I also didn't include:
- the 'only one time' rapes by different guys

[Chart]

DF, I witness and validate your anger (and perhaps anguish) at having had to suffer all theses things. Your doubtless overwhelming memories have caused you to struggle, trying to live in the present moment yet with all these past events hanging on you. It is absolutely understandable that the memories should often get jumbled and lost in the tumult. That you have temporarily misplaced certain traumatic events and situations is absolutely par for the course. It is for you and you alone to decide and accept what remains to be remembered and when and how you choose to recall and deal with. Your anger is entirely valid and your own pace at recalling these things in no way diminishes their affect on you. Do what is best for you, recalling or letting go when you want and feel you are ready.

Sending love and support.
 

[Desert Flower]

I have been reading some posts but I've not been quite sure how to respond. But I just wanted to say I'm so glad you're here. It's just such a relief not having to explain how I feel here. 

And I've been away for a little bit again. I've been in survival mode mostly. But taking some steps too. Here's some updates.

Long post again, apologies.

------------ Possible trigger warning

There was a documentary that I felt I needed to watch. It was about a woman I wrote about before who had been in an internment camp (held captive by Japanese forces) during the second world war. I had formed this idea in my head about how she was 'really' traumatised (as opposed to me just being overly sensitive or something) and she was apparently coping very well. And I had been comparing traumas and hers seemed much worse than mine. But however severe it will have been for her, it's not helpful for me to compare. So stop that.
So now, I felt ready to watch it so I could learn how to cope better maybe. Only, in this respect, it didn't turn out so helpful because what she said was she just totally couldn't remember any of the bad stuff that had happened. We know this response. She also said her m (who was probably merely surviving herself) had not liked her much anymore ever since the time she had contracted polio and she wasn't perfect or whole anymore. And I felt really sad for her.

--------------------- Another possible trigger warning

Last weekend I spoke to an acquaintance whose m is similar to mine with respect to wanting to die, not wanting to live and not taking responsibility for her life. This was very helpful conversation, if only for being able to speak my mind freely and not be judged for it. This acquaintance had continued to take care of practical matters for her m until she died, but at some point she had 'cut the cord' emotionally. And that sounded sensible.

And I have also written here before about one of my friends who is also traumatised by her m and still she is lovingly taking care of her m in old age. And I had been feeling so bad about myself not being able to do so. Feeling I should be more compassionate with my m. I had really been struggling with this.

And what I got out of the aforementioned conversation is: it is not a crime not taking your m for holidays. This may sound really silly, but to me it was a realisation. I'm not taking her for any sleepovers anymore. The cost for myself is just too high. I'm doing what I can and that's just it. I just get triggered so immensely being around my m, I have to reduce time with her and take more time to recover. Take care of me. And I can be a volunteer who visits mrs. T once in a while, instead of a daughter visiting her m.

------------------------

I tried going back to work last week and I couldn't. I was too tense and crying at the office so I went home again and called in sick. It sucks.

-----------------------

And I talked to my Buddhist practice instructor too. The conversation was not so much about my (sadly decreasing) Buddhist practice but mostly about my m. And at some point, my PI said: so this is actually all a play you're performing? This referred to me being with my m and not telling her I'm actually not doing well at all. Just pretending everything's okay. Which is killing me and is not working at all. And I had to admit: yes, that's what I'm doing.

And some Buddhist quotes stuck with me, saying:
- don't act with a twist (and the explanation given by one of my teachers was: don't act like everything is okay when it is not)
- don't put an ox's load onto a cow (me being the cow here ;-))
- don't be so predictable (i.e. don't keep repeating the same patterns)

The problem with my m is: it has not been her intention to harm me. Only she did. And she doesn't know she did. And I don't have the heart to tell her now she's 82.

BUT

I want to LIVE, instead of survive. And some things will need to change in order for me to be able to. So. Finally.

I told her I'm not well. I told her I've been having psychological problems. Told her I have CPTSD, that I've known this since June. Told her I'm in therapy. That I've probably been anxious all my life.

And after I really felt better, at least initially. I want to be congruent. I am the way I am. Good. So what if it worries her. She's worried all the time anyway.

The next day, I felt bad again for not being able to do 'everything everybody else can apparently'. I felt like a failure.

During the following day, I started feeling better. Maybe because the sun came out. And I've been noticing whenever I go down the rabbit hole again and stopping myself there. The two big rabbit holes these days are:

1. My m feels sad because she is alone and I'm responsible for making her feel better. NO I AM NOT.
2. I may not feel any negative feelings because it will make my m feel bad. YES I MAY REGARDLESS.

So here's my mantras to practice:

1. I'm okay, also/even when my m is not.
2. I may feel any feelings, whatever my m thinks or feels about them/me.

Overarching theme: Let her be miserable if she wants to. I am going to try to be HAPPY!

Forget about compassion with her. First, I have to get better myself.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you for the validation Chart, much needed. 

[Chart]

DF, it sounds to me like you are working very very hard, making difficult but conscious decisions, and moving a lot of paradigms into places where you see them much more clearly.

I heartily congratulate you. And thank you so much for sharing.
 

[Desert Flower]

Thank you for being here Chart. 
I hope you are well.
 

[Desert Flower]

And I ordered a necklace for myself that says: 'Desert Flower', to celebrate (all of) me. 

[Chart]

Thank you for being here Chart. 
I hope you are well.
 

DF, as a child I didn't make a difference... not to my mother or my father. Now if I can do any little thing that makes a difference for someone else (especially people struggling like me) the joy is truly euphoric. Sometimes this takes me too far, but I risk it anyway. I believe we have to take risks and be prepared for mistakes. No one knows what we are up against. Cptsd is truly horrible. Very few overall seem to understand this. We are on the front line struggling so much.
Thank you so much for hoping I'm well, but honestly I'm not. Like you and so many of us here I'm struggling terribly. I detest beyond description the cold. I'm insanely sensitive to cold and wear six layers when others put on three. But yesterday I took my first ice-cold shower out of pure desperation to get my sympathic  nervous system to ratchet down. It worked pretty darn well. I was actually able to get moving today and accomplish quite a few things. I took another cold shower tonight. It's horrible, but it's got me down maybe 60%. I've been at my extreme maximum right through the holidays. It's taken me two weeks now to just begin to feel like I can cope.

We absolutely have to look out for ourselves. And I'm so happy when I share and connect. Being understood is that lifeboat coming up when your strength is starting to go and you just can't tread water much longer.

So happy you treated yourself to a necklace! Me I recently treated myself to a new cordless drill! :-) How's that for gender stereotypes!!!

[Desert Flower]

Okay, here's another risk, this may be too much, if that's the case I do apologise, but you make a difference to me Chart. I've said this before: you are a big big support to me. And I'm sure you are for many of us here on the forum. I cannot fathom how your mother and father could not appreciate a person as good as you. I am sorry.

I'm sorry you're struggling so too Chart. Thank you for sharing.

I've been at my extreme maximum right through the holidays. It's taken me two weeks now to just begin to feel like I can cope.

Me too.

And you're an absolute hero for the shower challenge! I would definitely not dare. I'm glad that helped you a bit at least.

And I'm happy for your cordless drill too, ha ha! 

[sanmagic7]

DF, your realizations about you and your M are inspiring!  i especially love the last bit about having to get better yourself first.  we do need to take care of us first and foremost, and allow others to do the same.  it came as a big surprise to me when one day i realized and understood that others have had the same time as me to sort thru things, realize things about myself and others, and do something about it.  not everyone does that, tho, and i believe it's ok to allow them their reality concerning that.

keep going, DF.  i think you're doing great!  love and hugs

[Chart]

Thank you so much, DF. We're gonna make it. I have faith in the healing that we so hope for. The love and support I feel from others helps me continue moving forward.
 

[Desert Flower]

and i believe it's ok to allow them their reality concerning that

That's wise San, very helpful, thank you.

[Chart]

And you're an absolute hero for the shower challenge! I would definitely not dare. I'm glad that helped you a bit at least.

Hero, no. Desperate. I was so bad I was ready to try anything. I think we are capable of extreme actions if necessary. Like doing impossible things for our kids. For me it's reassuring to know that the cold shower really works. Emergency re-regulation. 30 seconds is all it takes and my system was easily 50% better.