Reconnection Success

[nybell]

Since the death of my abusive mother (2021 - was NC since 2011) I tried reconnecting with family members who, thanks to mommy dearest's decades long smear/sabotage campaign, I either didn't know at all or hadn't heard from or seen in years. My brother still refuses, even though I have extended multiple olive branches - he swats them away very nastily. Our father died last year, and I tried again, he still passed a message through a half brother to basically tell me to go **** myself.

My parents were divorced and my father (who had a whole second family) was neither willing nor able to help me maintain family relationships beyond my grandmother (grandfather died when I was an infant). My mother was divisive with her whole family and isolated me, my brother, and herself from most of them (large extended family).  She also actively discouraged interaction with anyone on my father's side of the family, whether by disparaging them verbally or making sure we did not get to interact in person (e.g., not letting us know we were invited to things, scheduling other things at the same time, etc.).

I've been able to reconnect well with 3 second cousins on my father's side, one of whom was born on the same exact day as me. One lives an hour away, one 45 minutes away, and the third a state away, even so we are in contact via social media, email, phone. We get together as we can, including a recent "mini-reunion" with all 4 of us and our spouses.  They have been so welcoming to me, that I cry with happiness and gratitude whenever I hear from them.  These cousins really didn't know my mother - they are all older than me (I am at the youngest end of both sides of my family.) Even so, they have been receptive to me summarizing why I was not part of what clearly was a very close cousin group growing up (we all grew up in the same city).  So this is one success.

Another success - reconnecting with one of my 3 first cousins on my mother's side (these are the only cousins younger than me). I had cut these cousins out back in 2011 because after I went NC with NarcMom one of them kept relaying details of my life to her despite my pleas to not do so. I tried reconnecting with them, but no replies, so I've let it go.  The third cousin did reply, and it turns out lives a couple of states away in a place I visit occasionally. I'm older than him, he was born when I was in high school, so we're not close, but cordial, and on a recent visit to his city, got to have dinner with him, his partner, and my husband. We caught up and it was a nice visit. Due to the age difference, this cousin has zero awareness of the family dynamics or my mother's mental illness (for clarity - BPD/narcissism).

Best Success -- a second cousin on my mother's side. He's maybe 4 years older than me. We were relatively close in our youth because we shared common interests, the immediate families socialized a lot prior to the divorce, and as young people we socialized outside the family. He was also living in Italy at the same time I was (story for another time - 1st marriage to abusive sociopath green card scammer) when we were in our 20s, and we would socialize as couples (he married a lovely Italian lady) at that time.  I hadn't seen or heard from him in over 25 years. My mother actively discouraged contact after my own divorce for reasons that remain obscure but don't matter.

After my mother died I tracked him down (let's call him "J" for now) on FB. He's still married to the same lady ("A"), with 3 adult kids and is now a grandparent. They all live near where we all grew up. Over time he came to know that I was estranged from my mother, but we never really discussed it online.  One day a few months ago, I noticed he was posting pics on FB from a location 15 minutes from my house!

I reached out through FB - turns out he and his wife were visiting the area with their new baby grandkid and parents because one of his kids married someone from the area I now live in, they were introducing the baby to the other grandparents.  We arranged to meet for a family dinner at a local restaurant. I got to meet the kids/grandbaby and we caught up on lots of stuff.  That's not the best part though.

Best part:  At one point in the meal, we were reminiscing about pleasant childhood memories (bonus points to both J and A for not mentioning anything about my first marriage or that time at all in front of my husband), and A asked - "What happened with you mother? Were you not close?"  Without missing a beat J jumped in, "Her mother was extremely unstable, I remember her behavior as being erratic. Thinking back, nybell, I think she was Borderline -- am I right?"

WOW.

Mind you he hadn't seen my mother in person in 25+ years either, and only heard about her remotely through his own mother (who was not close to my mother, in fact my mother didn't like either of J's parents as I recall, in retrospect I think because they would call her out on her * in front of the whole family, bless them). A had only met my mother a few times (and my mother didn't like A either, though she did like J), so she had no idea.  The fact that he jumped right in with knowledge that most people in the family don't have, that he cut to the heart of the matter, I cannot tell you all how incredibly affirming this was. It was as if he exploded all of the gaslighting I had endured with one match. My husband, who understands but tends to downplay what I've been through, was gobsmacked.  To know that someone else SAW what was happening, even as a young person, and register it as disordered and dysfunctional, well that helps me tremendously.

I can only hope for all of you that you are able to reconnect with loved ones who your abusers stole from you, and that once you do you get the love none of us got as children.

[Papa Coco]

Nybell,

What a beautiful story. I am so pleased to read that you have these few cousins who love you for who you are, and not for who the family narcs tried to make it look like you were. For your cousin to jump in and save you like he did, which gobsmacked your husband, that's just...beautiful.

I sort of feel like being seen and being loved and connected to others is truly what we all want.

As for your last comment, I will never reconnect with my blood family but I'm okay with that. My wife's parents were amazing people who loved me more than my own parents did, so I got to enjoy being their loved one. The pain given to me by my own blood family will always be too great for me to find resolution with. I simply trust that those relatives will find love one day and will find peace, but I'm not required to help them find it. I don't hate them, I'm just afraid of them. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Nieces, Nephews...everyone fell for the lies that were told about me, and I can't bring myself to ever feel safe if any of them ever run into me in a grocery store. They ALL reported my life to my narcissistic evil sister, who used everything she could to smear-campaign me from my toddler days until I walked away at age 50. But I'm okay with that. I don't hate them, I'm just smart enough to know that I'm safe when they're out of my life. I have made new friends. I have a wife, a son, a daughter-in-law and two grandsons who fill all the needs I have for connection. In fact, my daughter-in-law's family treats me like I'm family too. Coco and I are invited to all their family functions, and we feel loved now. So, your kind hope that others of us find love and connection came true for me, just not with my own blood family.

You are a kind person. I'm so glad you have these cousins giving you the love you deserve.

Connection and being seen and loved for who we are...that's the golden ticket.

[dollyvee]

Hi nybell,

I just wanted to say that it's so great you were able to receive that validation from your cousin 

Sending you support,
dolly

[AphoticAtramentous]

Wow, that must have felt so relieving, comforting, reaffirming... I'm happy to hear that happened, and I commend J for being so honest and direct about it. It's really nice to hear of your reunions.
Thanks for sharing this. Your desire to reconnect is inspiring.

Regards,
Aphotic.